How often do you see your mum?

[chocolatesaltyballs22]

My mum has been on her own for a good few years. Has a reasonable social life during the week, COVID permitting. But she NEVER arranges anything on a weekend and leaves her weekends free for myself and my sister to either visit her or have her over for lunch/dinner. It's expected. So every weekend I drive over to see her. She lives about half an hour away. Around once a month I'll have her over for dinner.

My AIBU is whether it's too much to expect to have a 'weekend off' once in a while? I don't want to come across as uncaring, as I'm not. I know how lonely it can be living on your own. But I have a busy life - work FT, ferrying teenagers to their social lives, etc etc. I get two days off a week. I'd just like the odd weekend to myself sometimes. If I skip a visit it's met with huffiness.

[gamerchick]

Not for months. I'd be happy with another few months.

I find it strange that some parents live in their kids pockets tbh. Too needy for me.

However this is about you OP, whats normal for everyone replying doesn't apply to you. Tell your mother you'll see her every other weekend and let her moan about it. Take it in turns with your sister if it comes to it.

[LemonRoses]

My mother twice a week pre-Covid. She doesn’t know I’m there, so not much point creating work for nursing staff during Covid.

My children vary enormously. I often see one or other during the week, if they are off. They’re about forty minutes away. Weekends we often see one or other either at home or at social event outside of lockdown.

[Whanganui]

@chocolatesaltyballs22

Oh and how often would I like to see her? I think once every 2 weeks is plenty. I find the visits wearing. I feel like she saves everything up that she wants to say and does a verbal download. It's not a two way conversation.

Your mom sounds lonely. We're all busy, but I was never too busy for my mom. She drove me mad, but I actually felt pain if I didn't see her. You have to do what you have to do, but you'll miss her when she's gone.

[Kitkat151]

@UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme

Kitkat151 when my children were babies I felt that fierce protective possessive love - I couldn't understand how anyone could stand to be away from their own newborn, I viscerally loathed handing them to anyone except DH, I felt wrong, uncomfortable, miserable if they were in someone else's arms and the rare (because I held them all the time) sound of them crying was physically painful. I couldn't comprehend people who'd choose to leave a baby under six months overnight for a non emergency reason or why anyone would want a"break" from their own newborn (despite one with reflux who couldn't be put down within an hour of a feed until she learnt to roll and another one who simply didn't sleep for more than a rare two hour stretch until he was nearly 3 years old).

However as they got bigger and older and able to move away from me the nature of the live changed.

They each went to preschool from 3 and like everyone I had to deal with separation by celebrating it and being unrelentingly positive about it. Before that they each started spending time with my DH's mum without me from about 18 months and in the same way I learnt to celebrate the widening of their world as well as the rest. They each went away on a school (Kindergarten) residential at 6 years old (same Kindergarten, same trip, trips a few years apart each time) and I adjusted and celebrated.

Now they're teens, they've been away lots of times without me - DC1 has been abroad without me twice.

Its right that they become ever more independent. Its right that I never, ever hold them back or get all self indulgent and sentimental about wanting them with me. In truth its not what I want - I want them to reach their potential and explore the world and be fantastic human beings and never ever once worry that I miss them. Its my job to launch them, not to cling.

They are not part of me. They were, but now they're something better. I'm immediately proud of them - they're incredible human beings - and as long as I know theyre happy and healthy I will never want them to limit themselves or restrict their lives on my account.

Ahh I misunderstood....thought you only saw your kids once a year.....of course you don’t want to limit them.....but you are extremely naive or hard hearted if you think you won’t miss them....and they ARE part of you....of course they are....you gave birth to them....whether they will be something better...that remains to be seen....they are still only children and you have never experienced the loss of not seeing them for prolonged periods of time....so you can say how you think it might be....but you don’t really know....how can you....then again maybe you won’t miss them at all ..... and be quite happy to see your grandchildren once a year.....horses for courses

[Tittybittybangbang]

As little as possible. I don’t enjoy her company.

It’s ok to want time to yourself

[Pinkyavocado]

I see my mum (in normal times) usually once a week. It’s usually a Thursday after school until about 5pm. Weekends are for us to do stuff in the house and with the kids.

[Rillington]

I see her and my Dad every day.

[Notthisnotthat]

Weekly or Fortnightly, depending on the time of year. My children's dance class is run in a hall near her house so we will meet for a walk around the shops or have a drink in a cafe. We tend to have a roast dinner once a month. My parents are still active and meet up with friends or have weekends away regularly. My DH needs reminding sometimes to contact his folks, i leave it up to him to take the kids over as his mum doesn't like me.

[UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme]

Kitkat151 who says they'll even have children? They're certainly not expected to provide grandchildren, and if they have children I won't have any rights to see them according to a schedule.

I have colleagues and acquaintances who tey to enmesh their lives with those of their adult children and try to create a codependent relationship, and claim their adult children couldn't manage without them, and my own mother has tried this in the past with my siblings and I, and succeeded with one sibling, and it makes me feel very uncomfortable. Its always a relationship of strings attached to everything and endless low level emotional blackmail and using the next generation to fulfill emotional needs or simply prevent boredom. It's really unhealthy and inappropriate imo and shitty parenting.

[Stellaris22]

If actually be a bit sad if my children got to their 30's and still felt the need to see me every day. I'd hope that they'd be able to have happy, independent lives with their own circle of friends.

[mummypie17]

I usually see my own mum at least once a week and talk on the phone 4 times a week. I see my in- laws more because they are much more needy and get upset if we don't see them several times a week (although they have improved a lot in recent years). Strangely my in-laws are more bothered about regularly seeing me and their grandson than my husband (their son). My DH has a more formal relationship with them. I'm often mistaken to be the daughter and my DH as the son-in-law. That does annoy me.

[NeverForgetYourDreams]

2-3 times a week and we talk every day, sometimes more than once

[LemonRoses]

@Stellaris22

If actually be a bit sad if my children got to their 30's and still felt the need to see me every day. I'd hope that they'd be able to have happy, independent lives with their own circle of friends.

Is there a difference between ‘need’ and ‘want’, do you think? You can be nearly thirty and see parents regularly for a dog walk, childcare, or go shopping and have your own friends, own house, busy job and be independent.

[Chasingsquirrels]

Pre-covid
We go over most Sundays for a roast (mum and dad). Sometimes they come to us. They live about 15 mins drive away.
They want us to come, we want to go - but if we had something else on we/they would say and no one would be upset or offended.

Also occasionally in the week - mum might come over for lunch on my day off, or we meet at the garden centre, or go into town. But that would be more like monthly.
When my kids were younger mum did childcare so I saw her more then, but for a shorter period - 10/15 min chat when I got home from work.

When my ex left I and the kids used to go over for an evening meal once a week as well.

When my 2nd dh was dying my mum couldn't have been there for us more than she was, and again I spent more time with them afterwards.

I message with my mum most days, sometimes a quick hello, sometimes 2 or 3 chats. I almost never message my dad cos he doesn't use his phone much.

She is an integral part of my life, and if I think about it I dread her dying.

[yeOldeTrout]

I imagine if I lived just half hour drive away I'd try to see her weekly. In reality my mother is long deceased & my dad lives countries away.

2x/month also sounds reasonable. It is a voluntary relationship.

Maybe OP you could vary the routine, try to see her midweek for lunch now that's allowed, or a picnic+walk together, or a browse at garden centre, etc. Quality not quantity. Try to get something from the visit that isn't just her big release, moment but a way to make the experience wider & more shared & more rewarding for both (like nice walk in woods, etc)

[ElsasFrozenVerucca]

EOW sounds perfectly reasonable, can you alternate with sister? If she is feeling lonely maybe suggest a WhatsApp group? Then she can download herself onto there and you can read it when you have time and hopefully time together will be spent more equally? It sounds like she is lonely and could do with some more social life, is there something she could do at weekends? They are the loneliest time as a single adult and covid has made that worse.

[Eyevorbig0ne]

About 4 times a year.

[chipsndippy]

Mine lives locally so about 3-4 times a week at the moment (she's in poor health) when she was healthier and it was pre covid, it was more like 1-2 times a week, as she was always busy seeing her friends.

[UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme]

chocolatesaltyballs22 it sounds as though you have a one way relationship based on a sense of duty and her emotional blackmail (that's what huffyness is).

Is there a reason she's not capable of fending for herself socially and emotionally? If so then yes, talk to your sister and arrange an alternating weekly care visit (it makes no difference which day of the week if she has no care or practical support needs, you don't have to meet a weekend filling obligation).

If not though - if she's physically, cognitively, and emotionally competent and simply choosing to leave her social and emotional needs to her children to fulfill then stop limiting your life to oblige her - visit when you actually want to and put the onus on her to be active and work around you. Live your life and let her fit herself around you and do the leg and brain work!

[TidyDancer]

Every day. We live very close to each other.

[gavisconismyfriend]

OP if I was you, I would gradually increase the space between visits. I too am familiar with the huffiness, practice ignoring it. Pre-empt - I won’t be coming over next weekend, I’ve got X on, so why don’t you plan to see (name of friend). That way if she is on her own it is by choice. There’s lots of people here saying they see their mum multiple times a week, but everyone’s normal is different and so are their relationships. Don’t feel pressured just because others are doing something. If you space the visits out more you might find them less demanding and then you and your mum will both benefit from having a better time together when you do see each other

[TabbyStar]

I'm in a similar position to you OP, my DM is also alone, and although she has some friends her health limits what she can do. I seem to have set up an expectation that I'll visit every weekend. Sometimes it's nice but we have very different world views, and on top of that she gets very anxious and so I have to be relentlessly positive otherwise she picks up on any issues and then constantly worries about them. I guess some of the differences in frequency are about whether it's an enjoyable experience for people or a bit of a chore (which then adds an additional level of guilt that you don't feel better about it!) YANBU but I know I feel bad if I don't visit my DM and that generally feels worse than just going. Maybe it's just getting over that hump of breaking the expectation though.

[LimpyLarry]

At least two or three times a week, I work with her and I spend time at the weekends there. Same for my Dad. I do most things (appointments, shopping, errands) with my Dad. They live a few minutes walk around the corner.

[amusedbush]

About twice a year. I saw her very, very briefly just before Christmas to do a socially distanced gift swap in a car park and she's frothing at the mouth to set a date to go out for lunch, but I'd happily wait another few months...

[Mary46]

I find once week plenty. Hard when mood turns or doesnt get her own way in things .... she 70s