How often do you see your mum?

[chocolatesaltyballs22]

My mum has been on her own for a good few years. Has a reasonable social life during the week, COVID permitting. But she NEVER arranges anything on a weekend and leaves her weekends free for myself and my sister to either visit her or have her over for lunch/dinner. It's expected. So every weekend I drive over to see her. She lives about half an hour away. Around once a month I'll have her over for dinner.

My AIBU is whether it's too much to expect to have a 'weekend off' once in a while? I don't want to come across as uncaring, as I'm not. I know how lonely it can be living on your own. But I have a busy life - work FT, ferrying teenagers to their social lives, etc etc. I get two days off a week. I'd just like the odd weekend to myself sometimes. If I skip a visit it's met with huffiness.

[TabbyStar]

That's great advice therocinante (I'm in a similar position to the OP). It's so easy to feel obligated and guilty when we're doing our best. I see my DM every weekend normally, though this weekend I'm too overwhelmed with other stuff, but my DB hasn't visited since August and he doesn't appear to feel bad!

[BalladOfBarryAndFreda]

Maybe twice a year. We’re not that close

[therocinante]

I'd add, OP, that although it feels VERY alien and weird to just allow the huffiness to happen and not engage with it, practicing that will give you so much freedom. You don't have to never see her again, but get comfortable with setting your own gentle boundaries around when you do - the huffiness is on her, not you, and you aren't obliged to feel bad for wanting a weekend to yourself, that's a completely normal thing to want in a busy life with work and children. Remind yourself you are not doing something shocking or cruel, just creating some space for yourself in your life that isn't about anyone else around you, and if she huffs about it that's up to her.

[therocinante]

Every 2-3 weeks. We live an hour or so apart, but I work near her house.

Thankfully she is as protective as me over her free time and doesn't love to socialise too much so it works for us - we speak on the phone one, maaaaybe 2 times a week too.

I find it very odd when parents are so demanding on their adult children's lives - a close friend (who lives 400 miles from her parents) 'has' to come home once a month, for all manner of minor celebrations (the dog's birthday, anyone) or her parents start a whole campaign of complaining and wailing. And they call her for upwards of an hour each day. It's not even that they don't have friends or a social life, but they seem to expect her not to. If she misses their calls in the evening because she's busy, more guilt trips and complaining. Batshit.

[Mary46]

Op just do what you can. My mother has no concept of time traffic etc. I never got any help with our kids so I dont pander to it now. I got the moods and tones too. Find it tough her expectations

[chocolatesaltyballs22]

went round yesterday

[chocolatesaltyballs22]

@ladybee28 no I haven't spoken to her as I know that she will just guilt me. I went thing yesterday and it was clear I'd been running around all day as I stayed less than an hour. It's just expected. And my sister panders to her expectations as well so I feel like I'll be seen as the bad guy if I say anything.

[ladybee28]

Maternal relationships aren't as comparable as people seem to assume.

I haven't seen my mother in person since 2015. Last time we spoke was via e-mail in January of this year –prior to that we hadn't been in touch for months.

You know you're entitled to as much time 'off' from your mother as you want and need –the question is how to communicate it with her in a way that is manageable.

Have you spoken directly to your mum about not feeling comfortable spending every weekend with her? It wasn't quite clear from your earlier posts (unless I missed something obvious - in which case my apologies!)

[notagainmummy]

DM provides childcare so 4 days a week. Could your DM come to you instead? My DH saw his mum once a week when I was working on the Sunday pre covid. Maybe FaceTime her Saturday and a weekday and see her face to face once a fortnight?

[Cottagepieandpeas]

Hardly ever, once or twice a year.
We live over 150 miles apart and don’t have a great relationship. I find it difficult to spend longer than a day with her.
Since Covid I’ve spoken to her every week, sometimes on Skype, which is much more than pre-Covid.
She never rings me.

Those people who have good relationships with their Mums are lucky. Please don’t judge those of us who struggle and try to preserve our own (& possibly our family’s) mental health by limiting visits. Sometimes it’s necessary. I don’t think giving birth to someone gives you unfettered rights to their time.

[Aebj]

When we lived in the uk we saw my parents once a week and my MIL about 6-8 weeks . My parents lived about 45 minutes from us , where my MIL was a 5 hour drive.
We have lived abroad for nearly 12 years and my parents come over for about 3 weeks every year, apart from the one year we went back for a few weeks to visit . This is enough for us!!! We last saw them in October 2019, but we Skype once a week.
My MIL has never been to visit , so only seen her once in this time. We Skype once a week.

[Mypathtriedtokillme]

Easter 2019.
We live in different countries and Covid got in the way of any other plans.

[Lifeaintalwaysempty]

2/3 times a week. I really enjoy seeing her and also hate the thought of her being lonely.

[Ingridla]

Once every 3 years

[Siddalee]

After my dad died and PreCovid I spent most of Sunday with my mum. She’d go to church then I’d pick her up about 1pm, We’d go to a garden centre or to some nice shops. Then I’d take her back to our house and we’d have a ro ast dinner. I’d take her home about 7pm
I work full time with a demanding job. Yes, it’s hard work sometimes but I owe my mum so much. I’d not have the job/life I have today without her support when my children were young.
Her and my dad looked after our children after school every day, they were there if our children were ill. They’re in their 20s now!
Plus, when my dad was alive he worried that the financial advice he’d been given as a younger man would leave mum in difficulties after his death and I promised him I’d look after her. My dad was the most amazing man. I’d never let him down.
So whilst TBH I have enjoyed having Sundays to myself these past months, I’ll return to our preCovid arrangements as soon as I can.
I’m just so thankful that during the past months my sister in law hasn’t been working and she’s been able to pop round most days and Mum goes to hers and my brothers most Saturdays.

[Icequeen01]

Every day! But she lives next door so no travelling involved. It was an absolute god send during lockdown as she was shielding due to her age (81) so I used to do her shopping and could just pop it straight next door.

I have her over for lunch most Sundays but as I work full time I only see her for about half an hour each week day when I pop over for a quick cup of tea and a chat when I finish work.

[IncorrigibleTitmouse]

The variety here is so interesting. I’d probably like to see my Mum more, but she would definitely tell me to eff off if I phoned her every day! 😂

[CoveredInSnow]

@Panpastels I can’t tell you how much I agree with that sentiment.

[whyiseveryonemovinghouse]

YANBU - my mum is on her own and because there is never any of the clubs/social groups for her age group at weekends for a long time my sister would see her one of the weekend days and I would 'do the other. We both live an hours drive away. It meant neither me or her had a weekend just with our spouses and, after a few years of doing this I was desperate to take a break sometimes. When my mum was my age she went on holiday about six times a year, had retired very early (not for health reasons) and she was free to do what she liked and I was in a very different routine! In the end I decided to say sometimes that I was having a restful weekend or that I would see her in a week or two etc rather than tell a white lie and it has been much less stressful and visits are more enjoyable. I still see plenty of her and ring her often but it is important to look after yourself and we are not responsible for our parents, if your mum does sulk a bit when you take a break then I think it is ok to say to her that she is being unfair and why and be clear on this. She can always make arrangements to see one of her friends from her social activities at weekends if she wants to, I would imagine they are not all with their families then. Take time for yourself- it can be a very long road

[kittycorner]

About 2-3x a week most weeks. I would say most weeks that includes a weekend. Maybe once a month it doesn't, probably less than that, maybe once every 2 months.

Maybe do individual visit 2/4 weekends and the family meal she comes to yours 1/4 weekends and take a weekend/month off?

[Bbq1]

I call my mum daily, sometimes more than once. She lives 5 mins walk away and although I work ft I see her most days. It's not a chore though. We love each other, she is a wonderful mum, a very kind, caring person and we have been best friends all my life. Dh and I often invite mum here for lunch and ds is 15 but has a lovely close relationship with mum. We cherish her. We only lost my lovely dad last year and my mil in 2019 and fil in law a few years ago. Time spent with family, especially parents is precious.

[Tigger85]

I see my mum once a week in non covid lockdown times. She isnt seeing me though its to see my son. Before he was born it was only 2-3 times per year with me having to do the travelling, I used to live 3 hours away but even when I moved to within 30 mins it was still only 2-3 times per year and only if I went to hers before my son was around. I'm not keen on the weekly obligation because I know she doesn't really care about me but my ds loves her so I continue to make the effort for his sake.

[TheCanyon]

Before I had my youngest two I'd phone mum or her phone me every night for a good blether, her mum did the same. We phone rarely nowadays but dh speaks to get daily on fb/messenger.

In terms of seeing them, before I had my dc I'd maybe see them if they were in Glasgow for a gig or if it was a home friends bday so maybe 2/3 times a year. Now we've moved more rural so it's quite a long two hour drive for them, we typically see them every 6/8 weeks. Not seen them since August, I quite like the peace Thought they'd be at my door yesterday as now allowed to travel outwith local authority

[Chunkymenrock]

3 or 4 times a year I see them.

[tootiredtospeak]

Just speak to your sister and do a full weekend each so go see her Saturday invite her to you Sunday then the next weekend off.