Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How do you check about residency rules

36 replies

Unsure33 · 17/04/2021 08:40

Sorry don’t know where to post this . A relative of mine has two children . She nearly lost them at one stage through getting involved with an unsavoury character so the father got residency for a while . Now they do 50 /50 share . He won’t pay her maintenance as none due and the child benefit is being argued about . He has a job and house an is well paid . The mum lives with a relative .

So they are due to go to school . He now wants them all week and to go to a school near him and for the mum to have weekends and one day in the week .

But if it’s 50 50 and no residency should she ask for them to go to school near her ? She can not afford solicitor and it is like she is just giving up . Surely she has rights as well .

Personally I think it’s great he wants 50 50 but he is gradually getting more control and she does not know where to turn to .
Can she go back to mediation?

OP posts:
Creepygnochi · 17/04/2021 08:47

There are no parent rights. There are children's rights and parental responsibility. Of course she should have a relationship with her, a very strong and active relationship, but if she is unable to provide them consistency and routine that the father can they should legally reside with him. If she's living with a relative, she will probably have to move eventually. Therefore, it's better for the children to go to school near their fathers house where they're less likely to experience disruption by moving schooks. As is their right.

Original poster
Unsure33 · 17/04/2021 09:01

Yes I agree to some extent it is just one minute she says they are unhappy going there to the father then she says she has no choice. As to where is better for them to go to school she has an outstanding school near her and she does have family support. But she also has no way of getting out of her accommodation situation. It is complicated with accusations of control by the father . I know it’s usually the opposite complaint of fathers not being interested. But this one is gradually taking more control from her.

My wording was clumsy I know the children must come first but if the school by her is better and they have family support should she at least fight for them ?

OP posts:
Original poster
Unsure33 · 17/04/2021 09:05

@Creepygnochi

Deep down I know you are probably right , she got herself into a mess and nearly lost them so he has provided continuity. It’s just hard to see a mum losing control . Finding a solution t hat suits the children is hard . I suggested she has them every holiday . That would even things out a bit .

OP posts:
NailsNeedDoing · 17/04/2021 09:11

It sounds like the dc would be better off staying at their Dads and going to school near him where they can have a proper home and some stability.

Where do the children sleep and have their things at their Mums if the Mum is living with a relative?

It’s not about ‘evening things out’ or what rights she has, it’s all about what’s best for the children.

Original poster
Unsure33 · 17/04/2021 09:40

@NailsNeedDoing

They have their own bedroom . Large house . No risk of being made homeless or anything . So she won’t get social housing . I am not sure if she could manage with private rent and UC . The ideal solution is that she would move nearer the ex and make the 50 50 more settled . She does not work and really is being supported by her family . It’s just that she is accepting everything the ex is saying when she has a perfect good primary school within walking distance . Who actually judges what is the best for the children ? They are housed , clothed and loved at both houses . It’s a pivitol point in their lives and it’s important to get it right .

OP posts:
NailsNeedDoing · 17/04/2021 09:48

That’s good that the dc still get their own rooms when they’re with their Mum.

They aren’t automatically better off with their mum just because she’s the female parent, and tbh they are probably better off having most of their parenting done by the parent that is stable and able to provide for themselves and their children, rather than the parent who isn’t.

If they have 50/50 they shouldn’t need to argue about child benefit, they can claim for one child each. Although if the 50/50 arrangement changes, then obviously the parent that has the majority residency should receive all the CB, and maintenance from the other parent.

Original poster
Unsure33 · 17/04/2021 10:02

Yes I suggested they split the cB between them . It would seem sensible and also if he has them term time she has weekends and holidays it nearly works out evenly . I think she is lucky he is willing to do so much but she thinks he is being controlling . But he is a hard working dad and has paid for a lot of child care so it’s definitely not about the money . It’s just that she does seem to accept everything he says without question . And because she does not work financially he is much better off and is moving to a bigger house . Obviously they were not married when she got pregnant .

OP posts:
Thriwit · 17/04/2021 10:30

You say she nearly lost them once - so has this already been to court before? I.e. is there already a child arrangements order in place?

SatsumasOrClementines · 17/04/2021 10:31

I suggested she has them every holiday . That would even things out a bit .
Every holiday? Would that be fair on the children though? Also why should one parent do all the mundane parts of the week, all the responsibility, and then not even get the joy of celebrating a holiday like Christmas 50/50 with them?

As to where is better for them to go to school she has an outstanding school near her
You only need to look at the school places thread to see that it’s definitely not guaranteed that just because the school is nearby that’s the one they’ll be offered.

MrsFin · 17/04/2021 10:35

Why hasn't she got a job?

The fact that she has a "good" school near her has nothing to do with anything.

From the way you describe the mother's life, it sounds as if the children are better off with their dad.
I'm sure she loves them, but there doesn't seem to be any problem with her seeing her children. She needs to think of what's best for them, not what she wants for herself.

Original poster
Unsure33 · 17/04/2021 10:36

@SatsumasOrClementines

The fact is that she can’t really even afford to run her car backwards and forwards to have the girls in the week , so what will happen is he will end up having them all week while they are at school and she will have them weekends , so she is not getting 50 50 care over the year ? So what is the alternative ? Just give up and let him have them ?

If care is 50 50 than does someone always have the residency and right to chose school ?

OP posts:
Original poster
Unsure33 · 17/04/2021 10:37

@MrsFin

She had another baby with the unsavoury character who is off the scene through a court order so can’t afford to work at the moment . I tried to get her to look at benefits and childcare but she has not done that .

OP posts:
Original poster
Unsure33 · 17/04/2021 10:39

@MrsFin

Yes I said it can appear that the father is the correct person to take responsibility , but that is hard for her family to accept . They love and care for the children as well .

OP posts:
MrsFin · 17/04/2021 10:48

Residency with the father won't stop the maternal family loving and caring for the children too though.

Original poster
Unsure33 · 17/04/2021 10:57

@MrsFin

I think there are too many people fighting and interfering and personally I think the parents must be trusted to make the correct decisions, but also I think the mum needs to check she is not being walked over and accepting everything the father is saying without checking whether it is right for the children . But I guess that happens a lot where both parents want to look after the children in a way that is not disruptive. The fact is it’s a hard situation.

OP posts:
SatsumasOrClementines · 17/04/2021 10:58

The fact is that she can’t really even afford to run her car backwards and forwards to have the girls in the week , so what will happen is he will end up having them all week while they are at school and she will have them weekends , so she is not getting 50 50 care over the year ? So what is the alternative ? Just give up and let him have them ?

If she chooses to rely on family to support her and makes no effort towards finding work or sorting her benefits then that’s her choice. Why should he have to give up 50% of his holidays like Christmas when he’s the one being proactive about providing for the children and she’s the one who isn’t?

She needs to get her act together. You sounds like a great friend; you’re motivated and supportive, she’s lucky to have you. But at the end of the day she needs to be the one to step up, you can’t do it for her.

JustFrustrated · 17/04/2021 11:14

If she can't even be bothered to look at what benefits she would be entitled to, she isn't fit to have the residency of the children.

She's already proven she'd choose a man over them. So again, not really proving she's fit to parent full time.

I'm seeing nothing to indicate dad is being controlling.

Original poster
Unsure33 · 17/04/2021 11:16

@SatsumasOrClementines

Yes we have all tried . I don’t think she wants to work to be honest . She takes her housing situation for granted and I don’t think she could even budget . She has been spoilt and once when she was told to get out and stand on her own two feet she slept on someone’s sofa with the children on a mattress . You are right it’s good to look at it from the other side and if this was a reverse with the father being in her position it’s clearer what the answer would be . You just want a mum to fight for what is right don’t you .I have sent her links to various advice links , it’s up to her now . In my heart I think she will gradually let them go to him for probably 75/25 care .

OP posts:
Original poster
Unsure33 · 17/04/2021 11:18

@JustFrustrated

You are correct , I think he has been painted with that brush as it’s convenient . Personally I have not seen it but I only see one side of the story .

OP posts:
Original poster
Unsure33 · 17/04/2021 11:20

She has a family member paying for solicitors and then she goes against what has been asked for , I keep telling her to sort it out without solicitor if possible . That money could go into trust for the children .

OP posts:
titchy · 17/04/2021 11:27

The legal response to your question is that if they cannot agree a school then one of them needs to take it to court for a specific issue order. This is where a judge considers one specific question and makes the final decision based on what is in the best interests of the child.

That said, the mother doesn't sound particularly capable, is in unstable accommodation and there are question marks around her ability to parent without family support. It does I'm afraid sound like the father, in the absence of any other indicators (you're not about to do a big reveal that he's a drug dealer, or on the sex offenders register are you?), is a more stable parent.

Kids need stability and it seems he is better able to provide that.

NailsNeedDoing · 17/04/2021 11:44

If the woman’s family still love and care for the children then they should be trying to build bridges with the one parent that is prepared to put their children first in life and provide a stable home for them. Then they could provide support to that parent and the children, which would be exactly what is in the children’s best interests.

Original poster
Unsure33 · 17/04/2021 11:55

@NailsNeedDoing

Yes they all need to sit down together and sort this out . I totally agree. If it was my daughter she would 1 not have got herself into this situation 2 she would be working and sorting things out . I have no doubt about that .

It’s a mess and unfortunately this time it’s not just the mother who has to live with the consequences of decisions .

The mum is not even sure if he has residency or not apparently .

OP posts:
Original poster
Unsure33 · 17/04/2021 11:57

No back story to the father . He is controlling ( or sensible? ) with money . But is very hardworking . Has a new partner and another baby on the way .

OP posts:
Original poster
Unsure33 · 17/04/2021 12:06

@titchy

Thank you. I guessed this was beyond mediation remit .

OP posts: