How do you check about residency rules

[Unsure33]

Sorry don’t know where to post this . A relative of mine has two children . She nearly lost them at one stage through getting involved with an unsavoury character so the father got residency for a while . Now they do 50 /50 share . He won’t pay her maintenance as none due and the child benefit is being argued about . He has a job and house an is well paid . The mum lives with a relative .

So they are due to go to school . He now wants them all week and to go to a school near him and for the mum to have weekends and one day in the week .

But if it’s 50 50 and no residency should she ask for them to go to school near her ? She can not afford solicitor and it is like she is just giving up . Surely she has rights as well .

Personally I think it’s great he wants 50 50 but he is gradually getting more control and she does not know where to turn to .
Can she go back to mediation?

Honestly, she doesn't sound like the most responsible parent. It sounds to me as if this is one of the rare cases where the father is the more suitable home.

@Ellmau

She has definitely been very irresponsible but I think she is trying to change things , but still not standing on her own two feet and she is 27 .it’s hard but looking from the outside in I agree .

She needs to look at renting closer to the children and see if financially it’s feasible .She really needs to not sub off others .it’s not a healthy environment because those paying for her and helping with the children feel they should have a say in their future as well .That just causes more arguments.

I agree with most of the posters above.

He doesn’t sound in the least bit controlling to me. He sounds responsible. Basically he sounds like a responsible, loving father who has his shit together.

Co-parenting isn’t about ‘control’. It’s about working together to do what’s best for the children. It’s certainly not always in the children’s best interests to split their time 50/50 between their parents, or to live with one parent simply because they live closer to a good school when there are other issues at play.

Quite honestly she doesn’t sound fit to look after the children 50/50. It would be better for them to live with their responsible, consistent father and go to a school near him and visit their mother.

She can’t provide for them, and she isn’t making any steps to do so.

[quote Unsure33]@MrsFin

She had another baby with the unsavoury character who is off the scene through a court order so can’t afford to work at the moment . I tried to get her to look at benefits and childcare but she has not done that .[/quote]
If she can't even be bothered to enquire about benefits and childcare for the one dc she has with her full time, and is happy to settle for an uncertain housing situation, living off others and 'doesn't want to work', what on earth makes you think she has the other dc's best interests at HEART? She's already proven that she can't make the best decisions about people she invites into their lives by having a baby with an 'unsavory character' who is court-ordered out of her/their lives - this will not go in her favour if she challenges the dad over school places/changes to the residency.

Will she be bothered to get their uniforms ready for school every morning? Sort out a packed lunch or make sure their lunch account is topped up? Will she make sure they have PE kit ready on the right day, and £1 for the PTA event? Will she sit and read with them every night? Help them with homework, projects, and revise for tests?

That's before you even think about the domestic situation.

It's not fair to expect one parent to do all the drudge and the other get all weekends and holidays. From either perspective.

As pp have said, the children have rights, the parents have responsibilities.

From what you've posted, it doesn't sound like you're concerned her ex is 'throwing his weight around' and extending some sort of domestic control/abuse over her - whilst I know this happens, she sounds INCREDIBLY passive yet expects that just because she is the female parent, that the dc should reside with her. Sometimes, often, this just isn't the case, and she needs to do what is best for the dc. Her 'supportive family' need to give her a kick up the bum to get into a better position to provide for her kids.

I think this is one situation where the dc will be better off with their dad being RP.

Remember op you are only hearing her side of the story and it's not looking good. Imagine what the real truth is?

@JoysexrenovationFingerFumble

I have never had a problem with him to be honest but you never see the full story . I am wondering if I can help her looking into renting closer to where they live , getting rid of her car payments ( that she can not afford) teaching her to budget . And then trying to get a part time job . It’s a better area for jobs and she does need to build her self esteem up as well as I feel although she has made bad choices underneath she is not a bad person , but she needs to break the situation she is in now . She can’t carry on like this for ever .

@Couldhavebeenme2

Yes I agree . I did know him when they were living together and yes he has his moments but only when he is really pushed . When he had to take the children in full time for a while he did it without hesitation .

This thread has been useful . She is my niece and there are time in the past where I have nearly taken her in when things at home were bad . She has not had a totally easy life either ( emotionally not financially) so I don’t think she is all bad . But I agree if she does not stand on her own two feet the situation won’t change .

Letting the father take responsibility for the kids during the school week may well be a positive for her. She can focus on detaching herself from her support network, standing on her own feet, looking for a job and in time her own home to rent. She wouldn't be able to do any of that if she had to work around school runs or find a job that fitted around school or negotiate childcare.

Try and get her to think of this as an opportunity for her to sort herself out and become the parent her dcs deserve.

Thank you for all your comments .it is good to view things from a different angle

Unfortunately I think in my heart of hearts I know that while her relative continues to support her she is not going to step up to the Mark .

Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind . And that’s hard when children are involved .

I’m sorry OP but you are coming at it from the wrong angle, it should be about the children’s best interests. The sad truth is that even with the level of support your niece has, she isn’t motivated enough to prioritise their needs above her own. Her children have the right to be in the most stable environment.

It sounds like her family, yourself included, want her to have residency more than she does.

and in this instance that appears to be with their father.

If shes not even got a home of her own they would be better off with dad. YABU.