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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should I apologize again? Is it me?

65 replies

babayjane67 · 16/04/2021 09:37

Hi
I have/had? a friend,not a close one,that lives about an HR&a half away.She always used to msg me first,at least once a day,if not 3 or 4 sometimes!
We both have a daughter,hers is 11,mine is 12,that were home schooled in first lockdown.We both work in a school(not teachers or ta).
We had a disagreement about the home schooling.Her school were very strict on them doing set work,ringing them if it wasn't done to find out why.Our school was not.There was set work,of a kind,but it didn't matter if any of it was done or not.They were very supportive &took a hands off approach but always kept in touch via a Class Dojo system.So we could share things like any work,stories,recipes,photos of them baking,gardening etc.Theyd get points for whatever they did.
They're both primary schools.
My daughter found it very hard in the first lockdown,to do the work,we were both getting stressed about it&arguing.It got very stressful&also at the same time,was dealing with the loss of a close family member.She wasn't dealing with it very well&we ended up having to get help for her.I never told this friend that.
Anyway,she got on her high horse about my daughter not doing the work&that her daughter had to whether she wanted to or not! She told her there wasn't an option! She said&that I could have googled&downloaded resources of work for my daughter to do,even if school hadn't sent any.
I just said well I didn't know the particular sites she mentioned even existed&that we didn't have a printer at the time anyway&that school was more than happy for her to not be doing the work.We baked,etc instead.She wrote the recipe &method out,so was spelling& punctuating..She was weighing things out&changing grams to ounces so that's maths.So school was happy with that.
This disagreement happened exactly 10 weeks ago today&I haven't heard a word from her since!
I just assumed she'd msg me the next morning,as usual,but she didn't&hasn't at all since.
This has happened once before,few months ago,where we disagreed on something else.I expected her to msg,as usual,the next day but nothing.That lasted for 6 weeks til I thought this is ridiculous &msgd her asking why she wasn't speaking to me&saying look we're both adults,this is silly.She said well I could say the same about u! I said sorry,she didn't,but just carried on messaging me again like nothing happened!
Until 10 weeks ago.
Is it me? Should I bite the bullet&msg her apologising again or should I just leave it?
I have thought about doing it a couple of times but then I think no sod it why should it always be me!?
She is also friends with a close friend of mine,who we haven't seen for a long time,even before Covid &also hardly ever messages,but she comes down to stay with her or family that live here&so have days out with her&so is still in my circle of friends so will be difficult as time goes on&we are allowed to go bk to normal life again.
Sorry for the long post!

OP posts:

Original poster

babayjane67 · 16/04/2021 13:12

Flynow we don't talk about what's on the telly,papers or whatever.She usually asks the same things more than once.Like in the morning she will ask what are u doing today then later in the day,she will ask the same&mundane stuff like that really.

OP posts:

Tooshytoshine · 16/04/2021 13:18

I would do a "just thinking about you so thought I'd text...". A bit about great to be out of lockdown and wouldn't it be nice to catch up as it has been a while. The rest is over thinking and if she wants to be friends then she will respond in a similar tone.

Leave it too long and it will just be set clay with no give left...

MiddleClassProblem · 16/04/2021 13:41

@babayjane67

Is that not a way to open a conversation via text to someone who never contacts you first?

You seem like you are picking holes in quite a few things and not owning up to your faults. Like making her do most of the leg work.

Original poster

babayjane67 · 16/04/2021 13:51

No as she will repeat herself several times about the same things&I'm not the only one who says that.
She will ask u about something,u will give her advice etc then the next day or even later in the day sometimes,she will ask u the exact same thing! It can be really frustrating sometimes!

OP posts:

ShurImGrand123 · 16/04/2021 13:53

Do you want to stay friends?

Your friend appears to have strong opinions about some things and expects you to agree with her. When you don’t agree, it seems you’d rather either apologise to close the argument or ignore her until she’s forgotten about it.

Why can’t you both grow up and actually talk to each other? (I really don’t understand this pointless messaging back and forth without actually saying anything of value.)

Ring her and explain that whilst you don’t always share her opinion on some matters, you still respect her holding a different point of view and can she accept that?

Tooshytoshine · 16/04/2021 13:58

@babayjane67

No as she will repeat herself several times about the same things&I'm not the only one who says that. She will ask u about something,u will give her advice etc then the next day or even later in the day sometimes,she will ask u the exact same thing! It can be really frustrating sometimes!

She sounds like she messages quite a few people. I HAD a friend like this. It's a carousel of acquaintances that she speaks about a few pet project topics to and if they disagree with her she punishes her by blanking them.

I'm pretty confident this ex friend has a personality disorder.

Original poster

babayjane67 · 16/04/2021 14:11

Shurlm I don't have her phone number so couldn't ring her if I wanted to.We only ever msg on messenger.
Tooshy I'm not sure about the personality disorder with her but she can be very frustrating at times.
When she blanked me before for the 6 weeks,it was because we had gone to visit my adult daughter&my grandkids when we were allowed to sit in the garden with up to 6 people the last time.I needed to use the loo before we left,so my DD let me.I held my breath all the way through the house,cleaned the seat&flush with anti bac wipes.as well as washing my hands obviously then held my breath all the way through the house again to go out.made sure I didn't touch anything other than in the bathroom.
She got on her high horse saying she wouldn't have done that.I said well what if her dad wanted to go&she said I'd take her in the bushes or make her wait til we got home! She swore at me& everything! My daughter was fine with it so why did she have to get so upset??

OP posts:

Original poster

babayjane67 · 16/04/2021 14:14

Sorry that should say DD not dad!

OP posts:

Northofsomewhere · 16/04/2021 14:24

It does just sound like you're trying to justify not getting in contact. If you don't want to get in contact and therefore rebuild the friendship then don't. It's that easy, you don't have to be friends with her and with her living some distance away you're unlikely to meet again without some input. It's fine to not want to be friends with her.

Tooshytoshine · 16/04/2021 14:27

Well, you should have just wet yourself... (Obviously not).

Yeah, it's a very rigid way of thinking and not having her number makes her seem quite compartmentalised. Her contacting you, the banality of her messages and it all being on her terms seems that it needs to be quite rigid for her.

Honestly, I would take a step back from this one. It's not you, it's her. No matter what you invest in this relationship, there will always be a nagging doubt that if you displease her she will drop you. It's why she has so many acquaintances on the hook and doesn't invest in them emotionally enough to remember their responses.

MiddleClassProblem · 16/04/2021 14:59

So you’ve fallen out twice and both relating to the Covid situation. It sounds like she is highly anxious about it all.

But either way you seem determined to pick at her on here and not acknowledge any faults of your own, such as not contacting her first.

Just let the friendship go. If you really liked her you’d make the effort.

KarmaStar · 16/04/2021 15:05

You are both being unreasonable,her for interfering with your home schooling,you for always expecting her to contact you.
It's a bit immature and time to both reflect on if you actually like each other and want to remain friends.

katy1213 · 16/04/2021 15:27

You sound a bit lackadaisical about schoolwork for a 12-year-old - but why should your friend care! Do you even like this woman? Do you really want three or four messages a day from her? I couldn't be bothered with silly bickering and who's apologised and who messages first - you sound as bad as each other.

SionnachGlic · 16/04/2021 22:34

From your posts it sounds like you don't like her at all & find her irritating & an annoyance in your life. So let it go. You'll be doing her a favour, I'm sure she'd rather spend her time messaging people that actually like her & are her friends. As would you.

LouKelly · 16/04/2021 22:42

It doesnt sound to me as if you two are actually compatable ,apart from your children did you actually have much in common with each other ? Sense of humour ? Hobbies ?

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