Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Should I apologize again? Is it me?

65 replies

babayjane67 · 16/04/2021 09:37

Hi
I have/had? a friend,not a close one,that lives about an HR&a half away.She always used to msg me first,at least once a day,if not 3 or 4 sometimes!
We both have a daughter,hers is 11,mine is 12,that were home schooled in first lockdown.We both work in a school(not teachers or ta).
We had a disagreement about the home schooling.Her school were very strict on them doing set work,ringing them if it wasn't done to find out why.Our school was not.There was set work,of a kind,but it didn't matter if any of it was done or not.They were very supportive &took a hands off approach but always kept in touch via a Class Dojo system.So we could share things like any work,stories,recipes,photos of them baking,gardening etc.Theyd get points for whatever they did.
They're both primary schools.
My daughter found it very hard in the first lockdown,to do the work,we were both getting stressed about it&arguing.It got very stressful&also at the same time,was dealing with the loss of a close family member.She wasn't dealing with it very well&we ended up having to get help for her.I never told this friend that.
Anyway,she got on her high horse about my daughter not doing the work&that her daughter had to whether she wanted to or not! She told her there wasn't an option! She said&that I could have googled&downloaded resources of work for my daughter to do,even if school hadn't sent any.
I just said well I didn't know the particular sites she mentioned even existed&that we didn't have a printer at the time anyway&that school was more than happy for her to not be doing the work.We baked,etc instead.She wrote the recipe &method out,so was spelling& punctuating..She was weighing things out&changing grams to ounces so that's maths.So school was happy with that.
This disagreement happened exactly 10 weeks ago today&I haven't heard a word from her since!
I just assumed she'd msg me the next morning,as usual,but she didn't&hasn't at all since.
This has happened once before,few months ago,where we disagreed on something else.I expected her to msg,as usual,the next day but nothing.That lasted for 6 weeks til I thought this is ridiculous &msgd her asking why she wasn't speaking to me&saying look we're both adults,this is silly.She said well I could say the same about u! I said sorry,she didn't,but just carried on messaging me again like nothing happened!
Until 10 weeks ago.
Is it me? Should I bite the bullet&msg her apologising again or should I just leave it?
I have thought about doing it a couple of times but then I think no sod it why should it always be me!?
She is also friends with a close friend of mine,who we haven't seen for a long time,even before Covid &also hardly ever messages,but she comes down to stay with her or family that live here&so have days out with her&so is still in my circle of friends so will be difficult as time goes on&we are allowed to go bk to normal life again.
Sorry for the long post!

OP posts:

Isaidnope · 16/04/2021 10:44

She’s upset because your daughter didn’t do as much school work as her daughter a year ago? She sounds so petty and ridiculous, I wouldn’t give her a second thought.

Brindisi32 · 16/04/2021 10:44

Homeschooling is between the parent, child and school, your friend shouldn't have interfered. Maybe things were getting on top of her or perhaps there have been other irritations that you're not aware of which have played into her not contacting you. If you want to see how the land lies with her, try a neutral, 'how are you and family?' type message and see if she responds. If she doesn't answer then it's probably best to leave it.

lemonsyellow · 16/04/2021 10:46

The basic question is, do you want to be friends or not? If so, I’d reach out. If not, leave it. It sometimes doesn’t matter who is actually right or wrong.

1WayOrAnother2 · 16/04/2021 10:49

Why did anyone need to apologise?

If you weren't terribly offended by the difference of opinion, why didn't you just text her about something normal the next morning? (Does it matter that she is usually first to text? Are there rules about this?)

MiddleClassProblem · 16/04/2021 10:52

I didn’t say anything went wrong but maybe something irked her or maybe she felt it was a one of and reciprocated. It doesn’t have to be a falling out for someone to not want to repeat the situation.

Original poster

babayjane67 · 16/04/2021 10:55

To give some context,she fell out with her brother over something once&didn't speak to him for 3 years! She wouldn't go to parties etc if he was there.Their mum eventually got them speaking again.

OP posts:

MiddleClassProblem · 16/04/2021 11:00

@babayjane67

To give some context,she fell out with her brother over something once&didn't speak to him for 3 years! She wouldn't go to parties etc if he was there.Their mum eventually got them speaking again.

Over something petty? I’m not sure how this is relevant as sibling issues are normally a lot deeper than just one instance.

ddl1 · 16/04/2021 11:02

If you really want to continue this friendship, then you need to make the first move in contacting her. That doesn't mean apologizing. At present, each of you may be embarrassed to get in touch/ thinking that the other is sulking/ sulking yourselves BECAUSE you each think that the other is sulking/ etc. And eventually the friendship may just lapse.

You do have to ask yourself whether it would be such a disaster if the friendship did lapse. Getting all self-righteous about your child's schooling is not an attractive characteristic. Does she contribute to your life in other ways that may make up for it?

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 16/04/2021 11:05

Why is it that you've been sulking for 10 weeks and not contacted her? I really don't understand why this difference of opinion about homeschooling has made you ignore her for 10 bloody weeks.

Does your DD has SEN? Or was she held back a year? In all honesty I think letting a child play instead of learn is pretty lazy parenting, but hey, she's your DD.

Maggiesfarm · 16/04/2021 11:09

You have nothing to apologise for. Schools did things differently. Had mine been that young during lockdown I would have preferred your school's approach & no doubt my kids would have done the minimum, making the most of the lockdown to do their own thing!

No point in stressing about it, it will soon be history.

MrsMaizel · 16/04/2021 11:09

It sounds like you have different values and expectations so I would just move on from this .

SionnachGlic · 16/04/2021 11:11

'Why are you waiting for her to message you? Why does she always have to be the one to message? Maybe she’s waiting to see if you’ll message her for a change. confused'

This.

You haven't messaged her in 10 weeks..is that correct? You knew she was upset but assumed she would just text you as usual. Why are you waiting for her? Jusy because that's the usual way. Maybe she realises it is mostly her initiating contact all the time & she is tired of it. There is no reason to apologise but also there is nothing stopping you texting her either...except yourself & your belief she is ignoring you. But you are each ignoring the other...you haven't reached out to her either....so there are two of you in it. If you want to stay friends, contact her & work it out. Friends can have disagreements.

As for the holiday thing.... maybe she was booked up...when I had small kids & worked FT I needed to be super organised about school holiday times. Or maybe ye get on very well as friends but have different parenting styles which can be highlighted when at close quarters for a few days. Who knows....you could ask if you wanted to as it sounds like it is still an issue for you.

DishingOutDone · 16/04/2021 11:11

How is this a friendship? You say at the get go you’re not close why are you chasing it? Let it go.

LittleTiger007 · 16/04/2021 11:26

It sounds like this friendship has run its course. Sometimes people just come into our lives for a season. Don’t harbour resentment or give it too much thought. If she gets back in touch then she does but I wouldn’t dwell on it OP it’s not worth it if she falls out over such trivialities.

DaphneHastings · 16/04/2021 11:29

To give some context,she fell out with her brother over something once&didn't speak to him for 3 years! She wouldn't go to parties etc if he was there.Their mum eventually got them speaking again.

I havnt spoken to my brother in almost 10 years because he didnt come to my 3 year olds birthday party. Ive never met his children and avoid him at events.

...obviously that is not the entire reason why I dont speak to him and was the final straw after years of issues but will be the "official line" he gives on what happened as that was the final nail. So I dont feel you can trivialise her and her brothers disagreement down to one petty thing.

StrawberrySquash · 16/04/2021 11:42

Don't get stuck in a stand off. Recognise that you both acted differently in different circumstances and get on with the friendship.

DeclineandFall · 16/04/2021 11:46

Change the narrative in your head. You are amazing and your friend is an interfering loudmouth. You might choose to reply if she gets back in touch or you might not. Never say sorry to her. TBF I think you'd be better off without her, this shit will go on for years. Stop people pleasing, they don't thank you for it . (I used to be one).

Branleuse · 16/04/2021 11:51

I wouldnt bother. She sounds annoying

Coyoacan · 16/04/2021 12:17

It depends how much you want this friendship. You've enjoyed it so far from what I can see but now you are putting the importance of being in the right above your feelings for your friend.

You will not find anyone who is perfect anywhere, so you really have to think what imperfections you can live with and which ones you cannot and go from there.

Member984815 · 16/04/2021 12:25

You have nothing to apologize for , I wouldn't reach out again let the kids carry on communicating and move on . If she wants to contact you let her but keep it light

Shergill15 · 16/04/2021 12:59

I agree with pp's - it seems a little unfair to accuse her of ignoring you if you also have made no effort to establish any contact in 10 weeks (apologies if I've misunderstood but that's how I read it from your op). That length of time would suggest to me that neither of you are especially interested in keeping the friendship going. However if you are, why not just drop her a general message along the lines suggested - how are you and the kids? sort of thing. I don't see any need to apologise from what you've said. If she responds, great and you can take it from there. If not, then that's an answer in itself isnt it?

FlyNow · 16/04/2021 13:02

I don't quite see why you think she is the one sulking because she didn't contact you, you didn't contact her either. She's the one that has messaged first it sounds like hundreds (if not thousands!) of times. This one time she didn't so she's a bitch?

No need to apologise, just text saying "how's x going/how about x that's in the news at moment/etc".

Original poster

babayjane67 · 16/04/2021 13:04

ddl1 No she didn't contribute in any other way to my life.She rarely makes any effort to get together when she does come down,unless it's something/somewhere a big group of us had arranged to do.Even then,she&my closer friend,don't always invite myself&DD to go with them or even tell me she's coming down sometimes! Which is fine,I get they might not always want to do things with us but it does irk me sometimes.Ive never really said anything but if I arrange things,I try to include all parties.
Obviously nothing like that us happened for a long time,even before Covid,as I said before.
Think I will just give the friendship up as a bad loss.

OP posts:

MiddleClassProblem · 16/04/2021 13:09

It sounds like you’re a bit on the periphery of the group or at least the part that she is more close to even though you might be close to some people there.

She probably feels like it’s a bit one sided and this disagreement is just an excuse for her to not have to be the one contacting you all the time. You haven’t bothered so why should she. Especially if you’re not that close.

flyingant · 16/04/2021 13:12

So, have you not messaged her in all this time? Why don't you try messaging her? Why leave it to her?

Flip

1 2 3