Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

I’m so claustrophobic re: husband at home Aaaaah

38 replies

OnTheBrink1 · 15/04/2021 21:12

Slight light hearted (I guess!) but is anyone else feeling so claustrophobic with their OH’s working from home all year?
I always thought how lovely it would be, having him around more to help with the kids (and he is usually really good around the house and splitting kids needs after his work) but after a year I am getting so sick of feeling micro managed in my own home!
If I sit down for a rest, and he pops out of the office I feel like a lay about. I even find myself listening out for the door opening and quickly jump into action sometimes before he comes in!
I can’t sit out in the garden during the week (I work part time during the school day and all child responsibility is up to me 8-6pm- kids all at primary school) because I feel like I’m laying around whilst he is working.
There are usually a few scarky comments in a jokey way like ‘oh, enjoying the sun there are you?’ Or ‘very nice too’
If he is doing a job, I feel like I need to be instantly busy and if I’m on my phone whilst he is seeing to the kids in the evening rather than tidying I get told I’m sitting about and I’ve been ‘caught’!
This is dispute being at home with 3 babies and then young children for 9 years before covid and managing perfectly well, kids always fed, dressed, to school on time, loads of clubs driven to weekly, homework done, music grades practiced and achieved, friendships maintained and play dates undertaken etc.
Yet now I seem to get critiqued on how I put the kids to bed (when it’s my turn) or how quickly I am tidying downstairs (when it’s my turn)
Ahhh just needed to rant really but I’m feeling so claustrophobic after so many years of him being out of the house 7-8, Monday to Friday! When can they back to the bloody office!?

OP posts:

StormcloakNord · 15/04/2021 21:20

You have a DH problem here.

He sounds like a huge twat. How on Earth is it any business of his if you're enjoying some peace or having a rest?

My DH would be getting lobbed out the house if he made me feel like I couldn't relax in my own home!

3catsandcounting · 15/04/2021 21:29

I understand what you’re saying OP.
I’m desperate to get the house back to myself (I work part-time) just for a little while. I too feel the need to busy myself whenever DH comes out of his study, but he would absolutely not agree with me.
He might joke about me drinking coffee and relaxing but that’s it, it’s a joke,
It’s more my perception of what I believe him to be thinking.

MumW · 15/04/2021 21:31

@OnTheBrink1, I thought it was just me that felt that way.

GhostCurry · 15/04/2021 21:33

@StormcloakNord

You have a DH problem here.

He sounds like a huge twat. How on Earth is it any business of his if you're enjoying some peace or having a rest?

My DH would be getting lobbed out the house if he made me feel like I couldn't relax in my own home!

This. I absolutely would not accept those shitty little comments. How pathetic. Not normal either.

Original poster

OnTheBrink1 · 15/04/2021 21:41

I am probably being unfair as in general he is a good guy and we have been together for 20 years quite happily. Just ahh spending so much time in the same house, getting under each other’s feet.
He works hard too I know, and he would never mean to be horrid and the sarky comments are meant to be a joke but after a year it’s getting annoying.
Just want the house back to myself with no one here! Got used to that over the years and now I don’t get a moment in the house alone!
He gets lots of time in the house alone because I am always the one to have the kids in the holidays and take them out pretty much every day!

OP posts:

trilbydoll · 15/04/2021 21:44

I said last night to DH I hate Fridays now. It's my day off and used to be full of errands. Now I don't seem to have any errands, I'm trying to be quiet because he's working, but I feel like I can't just watch tv, I have to justify my existence with something productive. It's all in my head, I don't think he'd even make a joke, but I'm so hyper-aware of him working and me not!

Original poster

OnTheBrink1 · 15/04/2021 21:45

Actually that should say, I have the kids all holidays and all lockdowns (and do my part time job in the later afternoons and evenings!) but would always take the kids out every afternoon during lockdowns / home schooling

OP posts:

Original poster

OnTheBrink1 · 15/04/2021 21:46

@trilbydoll

Yes this. Exactly this. I can’t relax if he’s working and I’m not. Just like to slob out with no one here!

OP posts:

Coachee · 15/04/2021 21:50

I have worked from home for years and I feel like my space has been massively invaded by DH, who is now also working from home. Oh, for some alone time! He has to have the radio on in any room he is in and I miss silence.

Delatron · 15/04/2021 21:50

I feel the same. I normally work a bit more but I can’t run my business due to COVID. I think I personally just feel a bit guilty that he is stuck upstairs working whilst I’m not doing much. I go for a run, take the dog out, tidy up. Kids are school age. I do spring in to action when I hear his footsteps so he doesn’t think I spend hours dossing on my phone. He doesn’t comment so it may be all in my head.

He’s a real ‘doer’ so the concept of a relaxing weekend is alien to him. We must always be doing something. Clearing out the garage, sorting stuff out. Sometimes I hide upstairs from him and pretend I’m tidying the bedroom. It’s exhausting!
I’m just a bit lazy though and he’s not...

MakingPlans21 · 15/04/2021 21:54

I couldn’t live with someone if I knew I had to pretend to be busy or had to listen to see when they were coming into the room so I could change my activity. OP, get some sun lotion, a book, and a glass of wine tomorrow and head into the garden. Women should NOT be living like this; it’s bordering on abusive.

Original poster

OnTheBrink1 · 15/04/2021 21:56

@MakingPlans21

It’s probably more that I know I’m being lazy and feel guilty when he’s working about him seeing I’m being lazy! Sometimes though I just like to be lazy, even when there are jobs to be done!

OP posts:

MayorGoodwaysChicken · 15/04/2021 21:59

@MakingPlans21

Please don’t belittle actual abuse by throwing the word around. The guy has made a few jokes, by the OP’s own admission it’s just her feeling like she should be busy while he’s working. There is literally nothing that indicates this man is abusive

rulesofthecar · 15/04/2021 22:01

You have put into words exactly how I feel OP. I like to go off into my own headspace during the day, and I hate being brought out of it a million times a day with him popping out of his office. I feel like I never truly get down time.

gamerchick · 15/04/2021 22:05

You have to have some down time OP. Tell him to piss off.

EggyBread4me · 15/04/2021 22:06

I feel this 100%

I used to love sitting watching trashy TV whilst I ate my lunch, now I feel too guilty. Nothing has been said, I just feel bad! Desperate for a day at home on my own!

christinarossetti19 · 15/04/2021 22:14

Totally get this. For years, I worked part at home and part out of home, and dh worked mainly out of the home, so could more or less guarantee a day when I was in the house by myself.

It's the feeling of never being able to relax into my thoughts that I find so wearing. Feel like I'm always waiting for the next interruption.

But OP, if you're working in the late afternoons and evenings, your only opportunity for down time is during the day. I don't understand why you feel guilty about taking that, or why you can't tell him that you find his 'caught you' remarks patronising and demeaning.

What does your dh do in the evening when you're working?

Blackhawkdown2020 · 15/04/2021 22:16

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

BruceAndNosh · 15/04/2021 22:18

Wedding vows say For Better, For Worse.
But not For Lunch

DemiBourbon · 15/04/2021 22:26

Today was the first day I’ve had at home alone for a year. Kids at school, DP had to go into work for the day for the first time.

After I’d done all my errands in record time I watched 5 episodes of Keeping Up with the Kardashians and had a chocolate croissant. I definitely would have felt a bit under scrutiny doing this if DP was at home.

Unfortunately it was a one off so had to make the most of it!

Jent13c · 15/04/2021 22:32

I'm with you. My DH is suddenly so interested in house stuff. I asked him to help me drill holes for a washing line which he did and then went back to office. An hour later when I go to put up the line and hang out washing he suddenly appears in the patio doors watching that I'm doing it right. Feel like he's been watching out the window the whole hour waiting for me to do it. I've started making a joke of it.

Weirdly I automatically put my phone down every time he comes in the room. Like i dont want him to judge my parenting. Even though he would never judge my parenting.

Magnificentmug12 · 15/04/2021 22:38

This isn’t a DH problem, this is a YOU problem.

Same thing here but roles reversed. His on furlough and here all the time and I work from home. He is constantly laying about (does all the childcare and housework) but when he sits down I feel like I’ve “caught him” do say things like, ain’t you going to start decorating the kids rooms, or “you could be fixing the sink instead of sitting down again”.....when in fact I have cooked five times in the last year and don’t even remember where the washing machine is!

He doesn’t care though, it absolutely does not bother him if his sitting down, laying down, watching tv, or napping whilst I’m working. He just says things like, I’m enjoying whilst I can, kids will be home soon, or damn right, gotta start dinner in a hour and I’m relaxing first. He totally owns it. I wish I was like him, that I could relax, but I’m not one to sit down. I actually find him amazing how he balances himself, nothing is ever not done but he also relaxes, I don’t know how he does it but I wish I was like that. I’ve come to the conclusion (wrongly) that it’s because his a man and they just don’t feel a need to constantly prove themselves or have a need to feel like they must be doing something all the time or their a crap parent. I would love to be more like him and I’m definitely going to work on it!

I also now he will get the kids rooms and the sink done before his called back to work because that’s just what he does, everything....but also has time to relax!!! It’s a complete mystery!!!!

hopingforabrighterfuture2021 · 15/04/2021 22:41

I could have written your post OP. I work 4 days a week, and my one day off is now the most unrelaxing day of the week. Plus, I get text messages saying: ‘cup of coffee.’ No.

Oneeyeopen · 15/04/2021 22:43

My dh and I retired 4 years ago.
I had more autonomy at work.
Dh micromanages everything!
I have some painting to do but I can’t face the 30 minute training session before I start, followed by the tutting if I don’t wash the brushes and roller for about an hour!

theuncles · 15/04/2021 22:50

I don't think you're alone - and how many of us are now dreading those 'retirement' dreams....??

DH was furloughed for a while but luckily back after a couple of months. But he's a nightmare at home - he wants to everyone to do what he wants, when he wants - so drop everything and e.g. help with cutting the hedge or whatever he has decided is urgent! Regardless of me trying to home school two kids, work part time from home and do all the housework and home stuff and admin!

But the worst thing was him not getting up at 6 like he normally does! I love that - he wakes me up briefly but then I can go back to sleep of another 1.5 hours - and have the whole bed to stretch across! But when he's home his body clock still wakes him early, then he goes to the loo, fidgets, sighs, looks at his alarm etc etc for literally hours if he doesn't have to get up! I'm not a morning person so have no wish to get up to get away from him, but it drives me round the bend! I have told him that when he retires we either need to take turns in the spare room or I'm moving out.......

Flip

1 2