To feel sad my family don't care about academic acheivement

[hgbczd]

At work today we were discussing university and the topic of graduation came up. I have always felt quite sad when I look back on my graduations as I feel like they weren't what I expected. Obviously I've moved on but I don't know if IABU, spoilt and self-centred to feel like this.

I have a bachelor's degree and master's so had two graduation ceremonies within the space of a year or so. For both I didn't receive any kind of 'congratulations' card from any family members. It didn't really bother me but I did feel a little sad about it as I always felt like graduation is a big life milestone. None of my sisters or extended family wanted to go to my graduation ceremonies so just my parents went, which I thought was the norm until I saw university friends surrounded by lots of family members. My parents were reluctant to go and made a point to tell me how much they didn't want to go and how much of a hassle it was to miss work. Rather than book the day off of work my parents just booked a few hours off so after the ceremony I had half an hour to take photographs and quickly say good bye to everyone and then had to head home so my parents could go into work. My parents then said we would go for a meal that evening but nobody wanted to go. This happened with both graduations.

This was obviously all pre-COVID, now with COVID I'm grateful to have even been able to have an in-person ceremony. I have moved on and it's not something I mull over all the time, it's just when it came up in conversation it got me thinking.

Of course it is a big deal! My parents were so proud of me when i graduated and i definitely got cards and a fuss made of me. There was a champagne reception after the ceremony etc

When my children graduate, i will be delighted!

I'm so sorry you didn't get support from your family

Top of your year!
My goodness, very impressive.👏

@Angrypregnantlady if you think working towards something for three (maybe more m!) years and achieving that goal isn’t a big deal, what exactly do you class as ‘a big deal’ then?
Really curious to know.

It absolutely is a big deal and absolutely is incredibly dull - but is a rite of passage. We celebrate many thing in society that aren't really achievements, so it seems strange to me to ignore something that is a massive one.

They're just qualifications.

Did you actually go to university? It's not just qualifications it is the cumulative effort of many years and the start of a new phase of your life.
My first degree meant that I could finally live my dream of being a doctor.
My postgraduate qualifications meant that all the months and years of working hard and sacrificing a life were worth it.
My PhD meant that I was the one who made a discovery that has made a difference to peoples lives.

It is not just qualifications. People work hard for their degrees. They deserve to celebrate with friends and family.

Or maybe you would prefer a baby shower for having unprotected sex and getting knocked up?

I had the same problem @hgbczd. I got allotted 2 tickets for my Masters graduation, and my mother refused to attend as I gave one ticket to my husband, meaning that she couldn’t bring my brother, who I don’t really get on with, and hadn’t seen for several years.

@Shopliftersoftheworldunite
I dunno, it was just a normal thing I thought, thousands of others graduated the same day I did, I didn't feel special. It was kinda like passing a driving test.

I guess what matters is what's important to you, and those you love acknowledging that. Same with when people value celebrating their birthday. But it wouldn't occur to me to make a big deal of my sisters graduation so I'd need telling that it was important to them.

Back in the early 1960s when I wanted to attend full time college to qualify for a profession my parents attitude was that I was "faffing around being a student" and seemed unable to see the advantages of a professional qualification. As they saw it, only "posh" people went into the professions and had letters after their name. They were unwilling to do anything to help me. There were full time student grants back then. However my mother expected to me to give up the same money for my "board" as if I had been working, and that was not possible. I had to do it all myself part time, with alternating periods of work and study. As soon as I was able to afford it I left home,. then they had to find another money machine.

Later in life I returned to education and went to uni to improve my qualifications. It meant stepping off the career ladder, giving up a good salary and a nice flat to live on a rough council estate. I made many sacrifices and worked hard. I was the first member of my family ever to go to uni and I got a 1st. Again my parents placed no value on what I achieved. It was too much trouble to make the 50 mile journey from one city to another. There were parents who had come from India and beyond to see their children graduate. So you can imagine how that made me feel!

Later I went into academia, did a masters and a doctorate and became a lecturer. Again, my parents placed no value on what I achieved. One day they were visited by the representative of a charity who helped them. I think he was pretty shocked at their attitude. He offered to arrange a car and driver for the day to take them to my doctoral graduation. This time it was I who refused. When you graduate your first degree you have all your friends with you and its a great occasion. However its in the nature of a ph.d. that you work alone and dont know any of the other doctoral graduates. Too much water had gone under the bridge and it would not have been the same.

It’s nothing like sitting a driving test. Unless you’ve grafted full time for 3-5 years to do it then maybe...

@memberofthewedding some cultures value education as it is a way to a better life so families make sacrifices so their children can attend school let alone university.

Personally I only went to one of my 3 graduation ceremonies as apart from the last one I could only definitely get two tickets. My family started arguing about this before I even graduated so I thought sod it I'm not going. With the last one the two family members who accompanied me knew to keep their mouths shut until 2 weeks before.

My parents passed away when I was in my 20s but my mum would definitely have been there. So would my grandmother. My ex at the time refused to go because he preferred to stick to his daily routine of getting drunk. In the end I did not bother going. I felt rather sad about it although I pretended I wasn't bothered. My Fiance says if we had been together he would have made a lot of fuss about it! Op I really feel for you. It's not a good feeling.

I wasn’t bothered in the slightest about the ceremony. Just like I never had a baby shower, and I’d rather elope than have a big wedding; I just find situations like that completely pointless and absolutely excruciating. So I didn’t go for my BA or my MA.
BUT my parents were incredibly proud, and valued my achievements in words often. Told me they were so proud of me. We took me out for a day trip to the seaside when I found out I passed my MA. My sibling sent me flowers. So I think maybe it’s less about the actual ceremony and more that it’s really shit they didn’t recognise you. If I’d have been the kind of person to like the ceremony they would definitely have made the effort. It’s just what you do. I’m really sorry they were like that.

My parents came to my BA ceremony. I didn’t go to my MSc one myself. Excruciatingly dull affairs.

To be honest, graduation ceremonies are excruciatingly dull.

You aren't wrong. I couldn't wait for mine to be over, so I could take all that shit I was wearing off.

I didn't want to bother with mine, so I suffered it for my parents. Still, it gave them a photo to put on the wall.

Is it now the norm for extended families to come? It never was the case when I graduated donkeys years ago, just parents came, one boys sister did and we were all most impressed!

I got a Master degree 18 months ago, at the age of 41. My ex laughed at me when I wanted to put it up on the wall at home...that Masters degree meant I was able to be financially independent and leave the arsehole. That piece of paper means a massive amount to me.

You know your worth, but I understand it hurts when your family and those closest to you don't share your values and therefor are not interested in celebrating your big achievement with you.

Are you parents supportive and respectful normally? Or is this part of a pattern? Did your parents support through university at all?

Tbh I'd expect parents to attend, maybe grandparents at a push. Definitetly go for some sort of meal but no presents/ cards. But then that's my family and we don't make a big fuss over birthdays or anything which is fine by me.

It's not a big deal for some parents or even some students. My husband didn't go to his and couldn't have cared less. That's OK if they feel the same but a real shame if they don't; particularly if it's the student that misses out. My parents did come to my first graduation which was nice but they literally couldn't wait to get away as soon as they could. We had to move out of our student house the next day so all my housemates parents came back after the ceremony and started moving their stuff and then went off for celebratory meals etc. Mine just went home. A friend's mum kindly took my bigger stuff to my new accommodation and I transported the rest in a shopping trolley the next day! I didn't hear from my parents for several weeks, then my (golden child) sister told me they were annoyed with me for not writing to thank them for attending my graduation. WTF.

When my sister graduated 4 years later my parents arranged a week long holiday there (it was a nicer area for a holiday admittedly), took my grandparents too and insisted me and my husband came. It was nice but annoying that my mum kept comparing loudly about how "rubbish" my graduation had been in comparison.

A couple of years after that I attained my law diploma. This had been four years of bloody hard work, studying in the evenings while working full time. I sent them an invitation to my graduation. They didn't reply and I didn't go either.

A couple of years after that I completed my training and became a solicitor. There is an enrolment ceremony at the Law Society and I invited them. They made the right noises, said congratulations and that they'd be there. However when I contacted them a couple of days before to see if I should book a restaurant for afterwards they said they'd forgotten and were now doing something else. No apology. (Luckily my husband came though he went to the toilet part way through and got locked out of the hall and missed the rest of it, but that's another story 🤣.)

It really hurt because I wasn't very academic and struggled at school with concentration. My parents would agonise that I would never "make anything of myself". And there I was, having made something of myself and they couldn't be less interested!

"Just qualifications "

Do you not do cards and celebrations when your kids do well in their gcses and a levels?
I got cards when i passed my driving test!

A degree is a really big thing! I am so shocked and saddened by these stories.

I chose not to go to my graduation ceremony and my parents didn’t mind and seemed relieved as they wouldn’t have liked the travel.

They were pleased I had been to university but were not educated themselves and left school at 14. I would say they valued education but wanted my siblings and I to be ‘happy’ more than anything so never pushed us academically or really understood anything about education or qualifications.

I didn’t know families made a huge fuss and went all out at the ceremonies as you describe op tbh.

I think it's a poor show OP. I graduated aged 47, and my mum and husband came to the ceremony. Yes it was a tedious event, apart from the 20 seconds when I received my degree, but it's just normal to support loved ones at these events isn't it?

Not all graduation ceremonies are dull however. My DD graduated from the Royal Welsh College of Music and Drama, and it was like a Royal Variety Performance 😄

I didn’t know families made a huge fuss and went all out at the ceremonies as you describe op tbh.

Some do and some don't. Also it depends on the person graduating. When I did back in the early 90s, if I left it to my parents, there would have been a fuss. I arranged in the evening to go for a beer with my friends as normal, so it stopped any potential, in my mind, over the top stuff.

As far as I was concerned, university was done, that door closed and onwards to getting on with life.

While the ceremony may be dull, while it may be like passing a driving test to some or whatever, this is about a parent clicking that their child has done something that they are proud of.

Eg my child might be proud of something that’s no big deal to me, but I fucking hope I have the emotional intelligence to spot it and give them support and praise regardless of my view!

Sorry your parents were a bit shit on this OP.

@memberofthewedding

Back in the early 1960s when I wanted to attend full time college to qualify for a profession my parents attitude was that I was "faffing around being a student" and seemed unable to see the advantages of a professional qualification.

70"s graduate here but that sounds very familiar....might be a generational thing.

I started work three days after results came out and I didn't even get to attend my own graduation because my employer wouldn't give me time off.

Interestingly (?) just pre Covid the Uni I went to started allowing Graduates who didn't attended their own ceremony, maybe thirty of forty years back, to attend the current year's ceremony alongside the new graduates. There was a lot of demand so I'm guessing once upon a time many of us didn't get to wear a gown for the day.

Is there a pattern of your parents not encouraging, supporting or celebrating things that are important to you? If there is, then I can see why this would really sting - that isn't just about graduation, that's about failing to parent properly. If it's just about graduation, then I can also understand that it might hurt, but it's just them 'not getting it'. When permitted, how about you set up your own graduation party with friends?