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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To worry I'll never be a mother

42 replies

pearlsandpetals · 15/04/2021 15:14

Hi everyone,
So me and my partner have been trying to conceive our first child together for 15 months now but have had no luck so far. My partner has a child from a previous relationship and we know from fertility tests that the issue isn't with him. We found out I have pcos and so getting pregnant will be more tricky for us. I frequently get upset about this and worry excessively that I will never be a parent. I feel like it is even harder because my partner already has a child and so he doesn't have to worry in the same way as me that he won't be a dad so in some ways I feel totally alone. It is affecting me so much, I have become quite depressed and feel like my partner doesn't understand and he often makes out like I am overreacting and that I should just be getting on with things. I worry so much that I will never get to be a mother, which is all I've ever wanted in life. Due to my partner already having a child we would not be eligible for IVF on the NHS and private treatment is too expensive for us. I just feel so helpless and sad right now. AMBI for feeling this way?

OP posts:
Creepygnochi · 15/04/2021 15:19

It doesn't feel like it at the moment, but 15 months ttc is nothing. Especially when you cnsider that the average woman only ovulates 8-10 times a year.

HermioneWeasley · 15/04/2021 15:22

You say you have PCOS, how regular is your cycle and how many periods do you have a year

Original poster
pearlsandpetals · 15/04/2021 15:24

Thanks both. My cycles are very irregular, but on average about 55 days in length. I am just at the stage now where I am losing hope.

OP posts:
1940s · 15/04/2021 15:27

The dr can do other things it's not just ivf or nothing. Perhaps Clomid would help you regularly ovulate. Don't worry you'll get there

IVFdreams2021 · 15/04/2021 15:27

I could have written this myself! It's so so heartbreaking. We have gone private in the end. I tried to argue with the CCG for funding as it's so unfair!

Have you read it starts with an egg?

VestaTilley · 15/04/2021 15:30

Have you asked the GP for Clomid? One of my friends got pregnant that way.

I know of three women who have conceived successfully with PCOS.

I hope it works out for you OP- don’t despair. Post on the fertility boards here and you’ll get a lot more experienced answers.

sqirrelfriends · 15/04/2021 15:31

Hi OP, like you I had really irregular periods, sometimes with a a 60 day cycle. I also discovered that I wasn't actually ovulating (at least according to OPK's)

As the Gp wouldn't help me, I tried Angus Castus which normalised my period, I was only on it for a couple on months before I got my BFP. It's not great to take while pregnant so I stopped taking it at ovulation.

Creepygnochi · 15/04/2021 15:33

On a 55 day cycle you are still ovulating 7 months of the year. That's certainly not hopeless. If you are ovulating that is. Grab an ovulation kit and start testing. If after 3 months, no dice, that's when you start worrying. But if it's just a case of nothing sticking, you probably just need to be patient. We wish we could snap our fingers and fall pregnant like that, but even for super fertile people that's not always the reality.

HavelockVetinari · 15/04/2021 15:33

Definitely go to the GP - whilst you might not be eligible for IVF you should be for clomid unless you're very overweight.

HavelockVetinari · 15/04/2021 15:34

The other thing is that with PCOS your chances of conception are greatly increased if you keep your weight in the healthy weight range on the BMI scale.

Ro198 · 15/04/2021 15:36

I recently did a cycle of ivf for £2500 through abc ivf. Have you looked into private options to see if you could afford it? It seems like a lot of money initially but many places offer finance options

Yokey · 15/04/2021 15:41

I sympathise, OP. I tried for many years before IVF gave me my son. Infertility is very difficult and lonely. But you have reasons to be hopeful. 15 months really isn't long enough to assume it will never happen especially with long irregular cycles (though it will feel like a very long time and I know that's worrying and painful!). As PPs have said, Clomid might help you so it's not IVF or nothing Flowers

Umbivalent · 15/04/2021 15:43

Have you been to your doctor about this? As a PP said, it's not IVF or nothing.

Incywincyspinsters · 15/04/2021 16:00

Do women really get refused for IVF because their male partner already has a child?

I know the NHS is strapped so I understand not finding ivf in some cases but because the partner already had a child seems a particularly cruel reason to deny otherwise funded treatment.

Allwokedup · 15/04/2021 16:02

I have PCOS and have 40 day cycles, I tracked my periods and got to know my body really well. I know when I’m ovulating as I get cervical mucus. I’ve got pregnant first month of trying each time I’ve been pregnant. Op don’t give up, stay positive and get to know your body, track ovulation and I’m sure you’ll be ok. Pcos doesn’t mean infertility it means you don’t ovulate as regularly but if you find out when your ovulating then you have just as much chance as anyone to get pregnant (25% per cycle I think). Good luck.

Allwokedup · 15/04/2021 16:04

Also you would be eligible for IVF on NHS as you arent the mother of his other child, NHS don’t give you ivf for your second child with the same partner but with a new partner they do.

LavendersBlueLavendersGreen · 15/04/2021 16:07

OP I know this feeling so well. My problem was recurrent miscarriages but my husband also had children from previous relationship.

The feeling that he doesn't understand or can't possibly care as much because he was already a Dad, even the thought that he might care more about his ex because we didn't share as much as they did, I used to cry myself to sleep thinking I'd never hear someone call me Mummy. God there was so much that went through my head. I really do get it. I had counselling to help me through those thoughts.

On the other hand 15 months is not that long in the scheme of things although I know it must feel a lifetime to you.

I hope it works out for you and soon. Just wanted to say I know exactly how you feel.

(And just so you also know, it did work out for us and we do now have a little boy so there is always hope even when you don't feel it yourself)

LavendersBlueLavendersGreen · 15/04/2021 16:09

@Allwokedup

Also you would be eligible for IVF on NHS as you arent the mother of his other child, NHS don’t give you ivf for your second child with the same partner but with a new partner they do.
Not always. It depends.

I had a genetic condition which was eligible under NHS England rather than going through my local trust. NHS England criteria meant it didn't matter that DH had children already, just that I didn't.

However, not all conditions fall under the same criteria and there are occasions where IVF wouldn't be approved if your partner has children already. OP would need to discuss it with her doctor at the hospital.

LavendersBlueLavendersGreen · 15/04/2021 16:12

@Incywincyspinsters

Do women really get refused for IVF because their male partner already has a child?

I know the NHS is strapped so I understand not finding ivf in some cases but because the partner already had a child seems a particularly cruel reason to deny otherwise funded treatment.

Yes they do unfortunately. It's very much a luck of the draw situation when it comes to NHS funded IVF. It's shit. It's a postcode lottery too sometimes depending on your local trust as to how many cycles you can have etc...

It should be the same criteria for everyone imo.

Hohofortherobbers · 15/04/2021 16:14

A friend had pcis and was put on metformin to increase her chances of conceiving, she also used black cohosh, it is meant to stimulate ovulation, but she could only take it for the first part of her cycle for some reason, so read up on that first, I don't recall all the info. She has 2 children having been told she has pcos

buzzandwoodyallday · 15/04/2021 16:18

Don't lose hope op. I have PCOS and got pregnant at age 36 but then had a miscarriage. It was another 18 months before I got pregnant again, and I had my first DS at 38, then my second DS just 12 months later. I didn't track anything or do anything differently, just had a reasonable amount of sex. Good luck op!

user159 · 15/04/2021 16:22

PCOS here, cycles 60days plus. When I was diagnosed I saw a private specialist (the appt was £250) who prescribed metformin and I was pregnant within a few months. The side effects were hideous so I appreciate it isn't for everyone but I was willing to try anything. For many reasons IVF would have been difficult and expensive as our area doesn't offer any free cycles to anyone!

gwenneh · 15/04/2021 16:23

Don't lose hope but definitely DO take the advice here and advocate for yourself with your GP, with any specialists, and this is one place I felt going private made a big difference. Other posters are correct it is NOT IVF or nothing.

I have PCOS and endometriosis, and I have 3 DC. I did need assistance beyond the metformin/clomid route but did not need IVF. It took about two years from the start of medical intervention to get pregnant for the first time and the more proactive you are the better off you'll be.

Racoonworld · 15/04/2021 16:29

I agree with pp definitely try private. We TTC for over a year with no luck so I had a consultation which was around £100 and got prescribed metformin. After three months my cycle had regulated and was 32 days (was anywhere between 30 and 50 days before) and we conceived that month.

justanotherneighinparadise · 15/04/2021 16:36

The first thing I would do is go very low carb. If you research PCOS and low carb/Keto you’ll find lots of info.

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