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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To worry I'll never be a mother

42 replies

pearlsandpetals · 15/04/2021 15:14

Hi everyone,
So me and my partner have been trying to conceive our first child together for 15 months now but have had no luck so far. My partner has a child from a previous relationship and we know from fertility tests that the issue isn't with him. We found out I have pcos and so getting pregnant will be more tricky for us. I frequently get upset about this and worry excessively that I will never be a parent. I feel like it is even harder because my partner already has a child and so he doesn't have to worry in the same way as me that he won't be a dad so in some ways I feel totally alone. It is affecting me so much, I have become quite depressed and feel like my partner doesn't understand and he often makes out like I am overreacting and that I should just be getting on with things. I worry so much that I will never get to be a mother, which is all I've ever wanted in life. Due to my partner already having a child we would not be eligible for IVF on the NHS and private treatment is too expensive for us. I just feel so helpless and sad right now. AMBI for feeling this way?

OP posts:
ivfbeenbusy · 15/04/2021 16:47

I paid privately for 5 rounds of IVF.....it is a bit 🙄 when people say "they can't afford it"

Presumably you (or partner) works full time at the moment? So if you were to have a child then if you decided to be a STAHP then you'd lose a wage - even a minimum wage job is circa £1k a month.

The cost of full time childcare even just a Childminder starts at £1k a month

We lived like we had a child for a year.....so put the £1k aside in an account.....by the end of the year we had enough for the first round of IVF

We also took a 5 year loan out....repayments of £275 per month.....a lot less than childcare/losing a wage.....

obviously if you can neither afford to be a STAHP or the cost of childcare then appreciate that affording IVF is not practical

PinkCookie11 · 15/04/2021 16:55

Deffo go private, IVF is the only thing for you.
I know people with it and got preg on comid.
I also know people who have fell preg with pcos.
Honestly your options aren’t over.

PinkCookie11 · 15/04/2021 16:56

@PinkCookie11

Deffo go private, IVF is the only thing for you. I know people with it and got preg on comid. I also know people who have fell preg with pcos. Honestly your options aren’t over.
Should have said ivf isnt the only option
RandomlySelectedUsername · 15/04/2021 17:40

I’ve got PCOS too and had really irregular cycles when I came off the pill. I started on metformin and started taking a myo-inositol supplement and my cycles regulated to 29/30 days. I was able to pinpoint ovulation from the month after I started the metformin and we conceived the second month. I’m now 9 weeks pregnant. It’s definitely worth looking into.

Suzi888 · 15/04/2021 18:09

@VestaTilley

Have you asked the GP for Clomid? One of my friends got pregnant that way.

I know of three women who have conceived successfully with PCOS.

I hope it works out for you OP- don’t despair. Post on the fertility boards here and you’ll get a lot more experienced answers.

Two of my friends did too. Good luck OP and try not to stress, it can take a few years even if everything is absolutely fine.
StudentProblems · 15/04/2021 18:17

I don’t have any advice op other than what has already been mentioned. But solidarity, I’m in a similar boat, except we’ve been trying 3 years with 3 miscarriages. It sucks. Best of luck to you.

Bluntness100 · 15/04/2021 18:19

Hi op, can I ask how old you are please?

Ohdoleavemealone · 15/04/2021 18:22

@Incywincyspinsters

Do women really get refused for IVF because their male partner already has a child?

I know the NHS is strapped so I understand not finding ivf in some cases but because the partner already had a child seems a particularly cruel reason to deny otherwise funded treatment.

It works the other way too. If a woman had a child from a previous partner, a male would be denied the opportunity.
ivfbeenbusy · 15/04/2021 18:56

@Incywincyspinsters

Yes this is the case for most NHS trusts. Their argument being that even if it's the man who has the child and you are the stepmother than you are still experiencing motherhood.

For some NHS trusts if it's the woman who doesn't have the child they may still get IVF but there aren't many.

But there are increasingly some NHS trusts which don't fund IVF at all - Peterborough being one of them

SoozC · 15/04/2021 19:08

I can't say it'll be fine and I can't say don't worry or be upset. But I can say, try to keep some hope.

It took us 22 cycles to conceive. I miscarried really and it took us another 5 cycles. I was on my knees with depression, too old for NHS IVF, it was an awful time.

One thing I believe really helped (albeit perhaps just as a placebo) was having acupuncture. I found a registered practitioner who had treated women with fertility issues before. I started a few months after the miscarriage and six weeks later I was pregnant. She was qualified to treat pregnant women too, so I saw her for the duration of my pregnancy.

Some people are dismissive, but I genuinely believed it helped.

I wish you all the best and hope you get good news soon x

sundowners · 15/04/2021 19:10

Agnus Cactus + Soy Isoflavones to both regulate cycle as well as acupuncture. Get your cycle more regular and baby may well follow...its actually a good thing that you almost have a reason- which can often be fixed.

ivfbeenbusy · 15/04/2021 19:38

I have to say the only Ivf cycle out of 4 transfers that I didn't do fertility acupuncture was the one that gave me my twins.....

LavendersBlueLavendersGreen · 15/04/2021 20:12

Their argument being that even if it's the man who has the child and you are the stepmother than you are still experiencing motherhood

Which is a load of bollocks.

BrilliantBetty · 15/04/2021 20:19

How old are you OP?
It is relevant for how long you can 'wait and see'. If you're in your mid 30s for example, don't delay getting fertility treatment.

It took over a year to conceive age 28, naturally, (no medical conditions) it was very stressful and upsetting at times- you have my sympathy.

Sleepisoverrated150 · 15/04/2021 20:25

Another vote for metformin! Definitely get to your doctors and see what they can prescribe to help regulate your ovulating.

15 months is a long time and it’s feels like forever. I know some people who take years and years but that doesn’t mean you can’t be annoyed and frustrated. Please allow yourself to feel your emotions it’s not a race to who has it worse.

I completely get what your saying about DP and them not fully understanding. Maybe have a conversation and say I need you to support me in this way / say things like this / when you say xyz it makes me feel xxx.

Sending baby dust and good luck vibes

ivfbeenbusy · 15/04/2021 20:41

@LavendersBlueLavendersGreen

Yes I agree the NHS (as wonderful as it is!) Has some crazy ideas

Dothepropeller21 · 15/04/2021 20:52

I don't have PCOS but my periods went AWOL. Dr agreed to try me on Metformin as it can help regulate cycles. Less than two weeks later I had a normal period and four weeks later, a positive pregnancy test. It's amazing stuff! I'm now nearly 19 weeks pregnant after trying for over a year.
I have a child already but he was still happy to prescribe them.

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