To ask whether you think this is a fair division of household chores / labour?

[Blinketyblink]

Have name changed for this one as expecting at least a low level of flaming.

Trying to divvy up the household chores and tasks between DH and I in a way that is fair. We are seeking an equal as possible split of household chores and tasks.

DH and I both work very long hours and have decided to get someone in to do the cleaning, rather than spend on other luxuries (aside from one weekly takeaway which is discounted through work). I realise that we are fortunate to be able to do this.

So what I'd like to ask you all is whether 1) you think this is a fair way to split things? and 2) what household chores / tasks might I have missed off the list?

Also no kids yet which is why childcare etc doesn't appear!

Thanks :)

• Laundry and changing beds - cleaner
• Cleaning - cleaner
• Ironing - cleaner
• Window cleaning - professional window cleaner - outside. Cleaner does inside.
• Food shopping - organised via shared iPhone note. Shop done online with task below.
• Admin and bill paying - DH and I will do admin and food shop together at the same time. But try to have admin streamlined as much as possible. One hour per week. Incl financial planning, buying presents for people etc. Calendar organising.
• Cooking

Breakfast: Me during week. DH at weekends, then rotate the next week to DH during week and me at weekends. Lunch: Person cooking dinner batch cooks 3 days of lunches. Dinner: 3 days per week - me, 3 days per week - DH, 7th day - takeaway.

• Dishwasher loading and emptying - breakfast maker empties dishwasher. Person not cooking dinner loads dishwasher.
• Putting bins out - DH
• Gardening - do together
• Make bed - last person out
• General tidying - done for half an hour each evening by the person not cooking dinner, whilst they cook.
• Plants - Me
• DIY - do together

I realise that it might seem a tad neurotic to want to split things so precisely - no judgement please! :)

@Foxglovesandlilacs

It is rigid but if you stick to it it will become second nature and there will be no need to argue over who does what and no resentment. I think it sounds fair too.

Thanks @Foxglovesandlilacs - that is exactly what we are hoping - that it becomes second nature if we stick to it. We just want it to be fair, and although others have said its too rigid and lacks any spontaneity, the point is actually that it frees us up to do other things and have fun! But also because we both fairly hefty hours at the moment

@fallfallfall

Batch cooking fail, you’ll be sick to death of whatever that is (one supper plus 3 identical lunches) and it may only cover 2 vs 4 meals based on portion size. Who’s doing the heavier semi annual stuff, light fixtures and baseboards or even fridge clean out. What about car maintenance (tire change, oil change, or bike brake pad check). Are you outsourceing gutter cleaning and dishwasher malfunctions? Banking easy to automate and simply discuss weekly. Will any of this task list come from the heart? Sounds like a sure way to kill a relationship.

Hadn't thought of gutter cleaning, so will add that to the list, thanks.

Neither of us drive we use the tube, so no car-related tasks!

And yes, the idea is that the cleaner will do the heavier semi annual stuff you've mentioned - e.g clean fridge and baseboards. Will get him in for a few extra hours every few months.

We have an equal split of chores however no schedule as to when they get done - it’s up to the person whose responsibility it is.

My chores -
Picking up dog poop from back yard
Walking dog
Cleaning house
Cleaning car
Putting laundry on and switching into dryer
Cooking

DH chores -
Cat litter
Feed animals
Dishes and dishwasher
Bins
Lawn mowing
Snow removal
Folding laundry and putting away

All bills are automated, sorting presents etc he does his family/friends and I do mine. Childcare mostly falls to me as I’m on mat leave and DD is EBF. I am responsible for her during the night and during the day until he gets home at about 345pm. He spends some time with her in the evening and does bath time before I take her for the night. I express milk for her on the weekends and he has her both weekend day afternoons while I go out.

It works for us. I literally never think about the chores that aren’t mine and he never thinks about mine. They get done when they get done. That being said, we have no ironing and never clean the Windows, I have never cleaned the baseboards unless I spilled something on them.

It seems a fair division but way too much to keep track of imo, and very complicated

Blinketyblink

What chores have I missed please?

Life !!!

@eachtigertires

We have an equal split of chores however no schedule as to when they get done - it’s up to the person whose responsibility it is.

My chores -
Picking up dog poop from back yard
Walking dog
Cleaning house
Cleaning car
Putting laundry on and switching into dryer
Cooking

DH chores -
Cat litter
Feed animals
Dishes and dishwasher
Bins
Lawn mowing
Snow removal
Folding laundry and putting away

All bills are automated, sorting presents etc he does his family/friends and I do mine. Childcare mostly falls to me as I’m on mat leave and DD is EBF. I am responsible for her during the night and during the day until he gets home at about 345pm. He spends some time with her in the evening and does bath time before I take her for the night. I express milk for her on the weekends and he has her both weekend day afternoons while I go out.

It works for us. I literally never think about the chores that aren’t mine and he never thinks about mine. They get done when they get done. That being said, we have no ironing and never clean the Windows, I have never cleaned the baseboards unless I spilled something on them.

This doesn't seem all that equal to me @eachtigertires - mostly because there are a couple of jobs on your DH's list that I assume only happen rarely (depending on where you live and the weather (snow shovelling). Also lawn mowing.

I think that responsibility for cleaning the entire house / flat AND doing the cooking plus the lion's share of the childcare seems rather a lot.

Also the other jobs on your DH's list seem like quite quick tasks - cat litter changing for example.

Just my opinion!

It seems a relatively fair distribution of jobs. But would you be happy with the switching about with breakfast & dinner?

You're expecting the cleaner to do several loads of washing/drying plus ironing, on top of changing the bed and all of the cleaning in 4 hours?? I think that's a LOT & not very practical.

That's a lot for cleaner to do in 4 hours! Especially the laundry part.

What happens with the weekly shop if either of you have a full on week and don't have the time to do it together

@eachtigertires

We have an equal split of chores however no schedule as to when they get done - it’s up to the person whose responsibility it is.

My chores -
Picking up dog poop from back yard
Walking dog
Cleaning house
Cleaning car
Putting laundry on and switching into dryer
Cooking

DH chores -
Cat litter
Feed animals
Dishes and dishwasher
Bins
Lawn mowing
Snow removal
Folding laundry and putting away

All bills are automated, sorting presents etc he does his family/friends and I do mine. Childcare mostly falls to me as I’m on mat leave and DD is EBF. I am responsible for her during the night and during the day until he gets home at about 345pm. He spends some time with her in the evening and does bath time before I take her for the night. I express milk for her on the weekends and he has her both weekend day afternoons while I go out.

It works for us. I literally never think about the chores that aren’t mine and he never thinks about mine. They get done when they get done. That being said, we have no ironing and never clean the Windows, I have never cleaned the baseboards unless I spilled something on them.

What??!! You think this is an equal split of chores when you are doing all the house cleaning?

its

Yeah but I think my standards may be lower as I said. Each room in my house gets cleaned probably every 2 weeks ish. DH has to do chores every day, I don’t. We live in Canada so for example, snow shovelling has to be be done most days throughout the winter whereas picking up the dog poop isn’t done at all for 5 ish months of the year (because it’s buried under a foot or more of snow). For example, today, I have cleaned the kitchen and living room (wiped surfaces, brushed floor and mopped), done one load of laundry (not folded or put away) and spent the day basically playing with the baby, reading out loud/talking to myself and I’ll make dinner (breakfast for dinner - fruit and pancakes). DH has been at work 6am-345pm, done dishes (took about 30 mins), folded and put away laundry, done the cat litter, he’ll take the baby for a bit while I cook and give her a bath. Considering I’m home all day, I don’t see how it’s not pretty equal tbh. He will be going on pat leave for 9 months later in the year and then we will switch. Also by cooking I only mean the evening meal - we each sort our own breakfast and lunch.

Sad you need to do such a list but seems reasonable to me.

I really couldn't live like that.

Try the team tomm app, I've got it, and I'm sure you can download it on other members of the household's phones and log in so you can all use the checklist.

Then who ever sees what task needs doing, just does it.

You can edit the check lists and swap days around too.

I made friday bed change day, instead of tuesday, because I like a fresh bed for the weekend.

@eachtigertires

Yeah but I think my standards may be lower as I said. Each room in my house gets cleaned probably every 2 weeks ish. DH has to do chores every day, I don’t. We live in Canada so for example, snow shovelling has to be be done most days throughout the winter whereas picking up the dog poop isn’t done at all for 5 ish months of the year (because it’s buried under a foot or more of snow). For example, today, I have cleaned the kitchen and living room (wiped surfaces, brushed floor and mopped), done one load of laundry (not folded or put away) and spent the day basically playing with the baby, reading out loud/talking to myself and I’ll make dinner (breakfast for dinner - fruit and pancakes). DH has been at work 6am-345pm, done dishes (took about 30 mins), folded and put away laundry, done the cat litter, he’ll take the baby for a bit while I cook and give her a bath. Considering I’m home all day, I don’t see how it’s not pretty equal tbh. He will be going on pat leave for 9 months later in the year and then we will switch. Also by cooking I only mean the evening meal - we each sort our own breakfast and lunch.

Okay that does now make much more sense, and yes, seems pretty equal! Maybe even seems that DH has slightly more of the burden!

But either way your system seems like its works for the both of you, and that's what is important :)

Love a breakfast for dinner situation over at our house too!

@3Britnee

You can edit the check lists and swap days around too.

I made friday bed change day, instead of tuesday, because I like a fresh bed for the weekend.

Thanks for the app recommendation!

Do you feel that your split of the household chores is equal though? I know you said you couldn't live like that so I am wondering what the split is like.

You guys are terribly bored. It’s OK, things are opening up again now and soon you will be out and about living your lovely solvent child free lives and not worrying about who is cooking breakfast a week Wednesday. Just let the cleaner do most of it, take turns to meal plan and cook and then other wipe the kitchen down and muddle along with the rest of it.

@TheAuthorityofJackieWeaver

You guys are terribly bored. It’s OK, things are opening up again now and soon you will be out and about living your lovely solvent child free lives and not worrying about who is cooking breakfast a week Wednesday. Just let the cleaner do most of it, take turns to meal plan and cook and then other wipe the kitchen down and muddle along with the rest of it.

there may be an element of that involved I won't disagree!

But... I don't think 'muddling along' suits. I really think that this is how too many women end up doing a colossal amount of the housework and childcare. And to their detriment.

It has also been shown that men tend to overestimate the amount of household chores that they do, and that in heterosexual relationships women also tend to overestimate how much housework their male partner does. No thanks!

OP, good on you for taking an organized approach to this. Half the people criticizing you turn up on threads moaning they do too much.

If that level of organised is what works works you then go for it.
The only thing that really stuck out to me is the admin bit. As long as you've got dds set up, you update your outgoing spreadsheet monthly (I love ours it's a quick glance type thing) that task in itself shouldn't take more than 20 minutes a week, especially if you're doing online food shops and keeping the list in real time.

I think everyone's got their own way of running a household and some need this level of structure.

That's right, don't give him an inch or he'll take a yard! I'd hate to make a sandwich that wasn't reciprocated!
Good to hear you get a discount on that takeaway! You wouldn't want to go wild!

@katy1213

That's right, don't give him an inch or he'll take a yard! I'd hate to make a sandwich that wasn't reciprocated! Good to hear you get a discount on that takeaway! You wouldn't want to go wild!

Yawn!

This doesn't seem a very natural flow of give and take - some weeks my work is busier so my boyfriend cooks more, other times it goes the other way. He always notices when I'm busy and just takes over meal times and I love that we don't have to agree that in advance.

Is fairness generally a big issue in your relationship? Because life can rarely be this regimented; as others have said, what if one of you feels unwell or tired? How much is there to fall out over when you have a cleaner?

Rather than worrying about the rules of who does what, I think far better to trust each other to want to make each others' lives easier.

And it's not always quid pro quo: I tend to make Boyf packed lunches with little notes as I know otherwise he wouldn't bother eating. He always gets my bike out for me ready before I use it. We have never asked each other to do this!

Do you have such a tight schedule in the bedroom too OP

@araiwa

I really couldn't be arsed with any of that shit

Exactly what I thought 🤣 also.... You have 3 cooked meals a day????