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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to tell my grandma she’s being irresponsible with lockdown rules?

55 replies

nina3638 · 13/04/2021 19:39

sorry if this is the wrong topic

my grandma is 80 - she stuck to lockdown religiously the first couple of times but this time has not at all. she lives on her own and says anyone she likes can come over as if they get caught she’ll just say they’re her support bubble. i’ve kind of ignored the whole thing as i was under the impression everyone going to visit her (inside her house) knew the others were doing it. i haven’t visited her as have been pregnant/just had a baby.

a few days ago i was on the phone to her and she had some family friends over. one is terminally ill with prostate cancer and is going through treatment so pretty vulnerable. when i called back i said i was surprised he wanted to risk being at her house when she’s been having multiple visitors over all the time and has been taking risks. she said she lied to them and said they were the only people she’d seen in months.

i haven’t talked to her much since (this was last week) as i feel really uncomfortable knowing she’s risking someone who is very vulnerable by lying to them. it’s one thing if she was honest and he still chose to visit but he was under the impression that she hadn’t left the house or seen anyone in months and is therefore safe.

aibu to feel like i should say something to her?

OP posts:
user143677433 · 13/04/2021 20:14

Totally not fair on the poor sod with cancer who should be able to make up his own mind and not be lied to to satisfy your grandmothers desire for visitors. What a vile thing for her to do.

Siepie · 13/04/2021 20:20

YANBU. She needs to be honest with anyone she's inviting round.

If you have the man's contact details, let him know too.

My grandparents are still only seeing their support bubble (single next door neighbour, also elderly). They'd be devastated if they found out she'd been lying about being a bubble.

Stripyhoglets1 · 13/04/2021 20:36

YANBU she should be honest with other people at least. Ask her how she'd feel if he caught covid and died?!

TheMatryoshka · 13/04/2021 20:48

I came on all ready to say YABU from the title but the lying to a terminally ill man is outrageous! YANBU at all, I would have to warn him I think but it would be a bloody tough call

Holly60 · 13/04/2021 21:14

@Writerandreader

Wow you are being very judgemental and harsh on someone elderly who has lived through a year of lockdown. Are you in the UK? Presumably all these vulnerable and elderly people you refer to have been vaccinated?

Do you know the country is now coming out of lockdown and its been incredibly difficult for people.

I just cannot understand people who judge others for minor breaches of incredibly harsh rules we have all followed for a year.

Yoh aren't speaking to your own grandparent over a minor lockdown rule breach????

Oh the irony.... I believe if you read the OP carefully, you will note that she is upset with her DGM for lying to vulnerable people about how carefully she has been following the rules. It may have been very hard, her GM may be elderly, but I’d say that doesn’t give her a free pass for deception. I love your username by the way ...Wink
chocolateorangeinhaler · 13/04/2021 21:25

Well unless he's licking the chairs they have sat he will be in no more danger than visiting a supermarket.
You have your whole life ahead of you, your gran and her friend don't. They are probably well aware yeah they may have 10 good years left if lucky. Stop being so controlling. What do you want them to do ? Be locked away in solitary confinement for the rest of their natural lives utterly miserable and depressed.

Inextremis · 13/04/2021 21:36

@chocolateorangeinhaler I would imagine the OP would like the man with prostate cancer to be able to make an informed decision regarding risk. He cannot do that if the grandmother is lying to him about who she's been in contact with. If you read the OP's posts, you'll see that the man is only in his 50s or 60s and is therefore not on his last legs - a terminal diagnosis of PC doesn't mean that a person will die soon - my own father lived for more than 20 years after such a diagnosis!

Peachesarepeach · 13/04/2021 21:38

@chocolateorangeinhaler

Well unless he's licking the chairs they have sat he will be in no more danger than visiting a supermarket. You have your whole life ahead of you, your gran and her friend don't. They are probably well aware yeah they may have 10 good years left if lucky. Stop being so controlling. What do you want them to do ? Be locked away in solitary confinement for the rest of their natural lives utterly miserable and depressed.
No she wants her grandmother to tell him the truth so he can make an educated assessment of risk.

If he's on chemo he will be immunocompromised and the vaccine will not be as effective. He can make the decision to go round but it'd be nice if she was honest about the other people she had seen in the house.

KoalaOok · 13/04/2021 21:46

@DonGray

YABU her terminally ill friend is going to die anyway
Yes but he might not want to die horrifically of covid.
KoalaOok · 13/04/2021 21:48

I think you should tell your grandma how you feel, you can do it kindly but the vulnerable man needs to be given full facts so he can decide if he wants to take the risk.

IHateWinter88 · 13/04/2021 21:52

Your grandma is a bitch. The worst kind of bitch. I'm sorry. What she did was unacceptable. Endangering herself is one thing. To lie to a cancer patient is so selfish I can't even believe anyone would do it.

Unsure33 · 13/04/2021 22:01

Of course the person with cancer should have a choice , but they didn’t did they because she lied . And perhaps because of their treatment the vaccine may not be so effective , and she could still catch and pass on covid .

There is one thing taking your own risks , yes fine jog on , but to lie to someone with cancer . That’s way out of line . And very selfish .

Unsure33 · 13/04/2021 22:04

@chocolateorangeinhaler

For all you know he does not go to supermarkets. He may have taken his own informed risk assesment on that .

No one is saying someone can’t take their own informed choices . The hint is in the word “ informed “

AliceMcK · 13/04/2021 22:09

@Writerandreader

She is 80 she doesn't have long left let her live her life!
I was all set to agree with you until I saw she lied to someone undergoing cancer treatment. She should not have lied to him and taken that choice away from him. If he knew then fine, but grandma is being selfish and out of order here.
Moonstone1234 · 13/04/2021 22:11

What a terribly selfish thing to do for her own ends. Her age doesn’t make a bit of difference but I have found some old people are so self absorbed they don’t see anything bar what they want to do.

I would tell the chap with cancer. She probably put the sad face on to ensure he came round. Shame on her.

time4anothername · 13/04/2021 22:11

I'd talk to her about letting the visitor know, does she really want to put them at risk?. There's evidence that people on chemo are not making a strong antibody response after the first jab compared to average and yet the UK has not made a general policy of bringing forward the second jab for this group. Even with a second jab he's more at risk than average.
If she shows no worry or empathy for her friend and this is a change for her, sadly that is a typical first sign of dementia so keep an eye out for her.

Toddlerteaplease · 13/04/2021 22:24

If I was terminally ill. The last thing I'd be doing was staying at home and avoiding people. If want to make the most of the time left.

likeafishneedsabike · 13/04/2021 22:25

I assume a massive drip feed is on its way? Like the grandma has been toxic or cruel to you for all of your life? Because any granddaughter with a loving relationship with her grandma would not adopt this horribly judgemental attitude. Have a stern word with yourself, give your head a wobble and pop over to see her. She’s a lonely 80 year old who needs you.

likeafishneedsabike · 13/04/2021 22:25

@Toddlerteaplease

If I was terminally ill. The last thing I'd be doing was staying at home and avoiding people. If want to make the most of the time left.
A thousand times this.
AliceMcK · 13/04/2021 22:33

@Toddlerteaplease

If I was terminally ill. The last thing I'd be doing was staying at home and avoiding people. If want to make the most of the time left.
But you would want the choice?
Sugarplumfairy65 · 13/04/2021 22:50

@DonGray

YABU her terminally ill friend is going to die anyway

You nasty fecker. Perhaps this younger, terminally ill friend isn't quite ready to him just yet, especially from covid caught from someone who lied to them.
To those of you saying that they will have had the vaccine, depending on which cancer they have or chemo they're having, the vaccine may not have given them much protection.

saraclara · 13/04/2021 23:02

@likeafishneedsabike

I assume a massive drip feed is on its way? Like the grandma has been toxic or cruel to you for all of your life? Because any granddaughter with a loving relationship with her grandma would not adopt this horribly judgemental attitude. Have a stern word with yourself, give your head a wobble and pop over to see her. She’s a lonely 80 year old who needs you.
No drip feed. You simply haven't read what the OP has said.

It's not about her GM needing her. It's about her GM lying to a terminally ill friend.

saraclara · 13/04/2021 23:03

OP, I really think that you should contact this family friend. It's an awful thing to have to snitch on your GM, but he really does need to know that he's at risk visiting her.

PatrickBatemann · 13/04/2021 23:14

*Well aren't you a ray of sunshine hmm

Perhaps terminally ill friend would like the choice of whether he exposes himself to Covid?!*

He's risking himself anyway by choosing to go round.

chocolateorangeinhaler · 14/04/2021 06:43

So it seems that granny needs to be hung out to dry. What a nasty old murdering bitch.
So why is nobody having a pop at the man? He will be the one with reams of relevant information on how to be safe during covid, yet still chooses to see friends. For all you lot know granny is one of many he pops round to see. Maybe he isn't being truthful with her too. Do people have a problem with the word terminal ? Whatever he does he is going to die from his cancer. If I were him I'd be doing and going where I wanted when I wanted, covid or no covid, before the cancer incapacitated me.