Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to cut all contact with a ‘friend’?

28 replies

Manchestermum1983 · 12/04/2021 20:57

This is a LONG story but...AIBU?

Last year my best friend (since we were in baby group together) - let’s call her Nancy! asked another friend in our friendship group to be godparent to her daughter. I heard about this through my Auntie who is best friends with Nancy’s mum. She didn’t tell me or text me and I was shocked that she didn’t ask me. We have been the best of friends and could rely on each other for anything. I had a child and I widened my friendship circle and since then Nancy became friends with someone else in our friendship group. Nancy didn’t tell me that she was pregnant, and didn’t tell me she was in hospital giving birth but I still considered her my best friend. When baby was born I tried to see her but she kept saying she was busy so probably didn’t meet the baby for two months.
Since my auntie told me that our other friend has been asked to be godparent instead of me I can’t bear to even hear her name. I get so upset by it and it has made me massively depressed. I did bring it up with Nancy through a letter! and she didn’t really understand why I was so upset.
AIBU to cut all contact?

OP posts:
Boom45 · 12/04/2021 21:00

Do you want to see her again? Cutting all contact with a friend of so long because the nature of your friendship has changed seems very drastic to me, but if you don't want to see her again then thats your choice. Friends don't need to last for ever.

Cocomarine · 12/04/2021 21:02

Why were you shocked that someone who didn’t tell you she pregnant or in labour, who put you off visiting for 2 months, didn’t then ask you to be a godmother?

I’d have been more shocked if she did!

Are you a Christian?

Clearly Nancy has decided to withdraw from the friendship, and that’s sad - and hurtful and frustrating when you don’t know why. But I’m surprised the godmother thing shocked you.

What did she say, after your letter? Does she just think you’ve grown apart, so letters about it are a bit claustrophobic?

VegCheeseandCrackers · 12/04/2021 21:07

It sounds like Nancy has cut you out, OP and I'm sorry. Or maybe she's just genuinely found someone else-are you both from the same religion?

Cocomarine · 12/04/2021 21:09

Friendships do change a lot I think, often, when you have a child and other friends don’t. Your new friends were sharing your experience. It’s natural. From that part, it just sounds like you both grew apart.

SilentPanic · 12/04/2021 21:09

Is this a reverse?
Nancy doesn't want to be your friend. Cut your losses and find someone who appreciates you.

MiddleClassProblem · 12/04/2021 21:10

I think Nancy means much more to you than you do to her. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t value your friendship but you’re not best friends. Close friends, possibly.

LawnFever · 12/04/2021 21:11

If she didn’t tell you she was pregnant when was the last time you spoke or were in general contact?

It’s hard when friends move on but it doesn’t sound like you’ve been close for quite some time

Cocomarine · 12/04/2021 21:13

It all sounds a bit intense, too. You haven’t been “best friends” since you were in baby group together. Babies dong have best friends.

With your aunt being best friends with Nancy’s mum, it sounds like none have you have actually moved away at all? So maybe a loosening of the friendship was just part of growing up and meeting new people. Of course you don’t have to stay friends with Nancy - but you expanded your friendship group too, and first.

Original poster
Manchestermum1983 · 12/04/2021 21:14

I was shocked just because if I were to christen my children I would have definitely chosen her to be godparent as she was my best friend. A lot of other friends have also said to me that they were shocked that I wasn’t asked. She has spoken to other friends in our group and doesn’t understand why I’m so upset...and has not tried to speak to me about it at all. She just wants to carry on as normal, but I feel so betrayed I can’t move on and literally feel sick when I think about it.

No I’m not Christian, so yes that could be a reason, but I would have at least expected a conversation explaining why I wasn’t asked!

OP posts:
Zarinea · 12/04/2021 21:18

I really wouldn't expect a conversation in these circumstances. As PP's have said, it sounds like your friendship has been one sided for a while.

I'm sorry, it sucks. But she's not betrayed you - no one is owed being a godparent.

If you like her and still want to spend time with her, suck it up with dignity.

Butchyrestingface · 12/04/2021 21:19

Nancy didn’t tell me that she was pregnant, and didn’t tell me she was in hospital giving birth but I still considered her my best friend

Really? Her behaviour here have strongly signaled to me the wheel was turning but the hamster's dead.

Time to let this one go, I think. Although I understand it's upsetting when an old friend starts to drift away, your reaction seems quite extreme and would be stifling to some many people if they sensed how you feel, which I gather Nancy IS aware of.

Original poster
Manchestermum1983 · 12/04/2021 21:22

Yes I suppose so. I’m just going to have to get over it and move on. Thanks all :)

OP posts:
KitKatBunny · 12/04/2021 21:27

I mean, you have to have been christened yourself to be a godparent (though some churches are more strict about this than others). Have you been christened? At the end of the day it's her choice...cutting her off seems a bit extreme.

normalsaline · 12/04/2021 21:32

you sound very intense and quite childish. Nancy is allowed to be friends with who she wants and make her own choices. You might have smothered her so much she’s trying to cut YOU out

OolieMacdoolie · 12/04/2021 21:46

It sounds like the friendship may have meant more to you than to her. It’s always hard when a friendship is one sided - one party always ends up feeling resentful. I think it would be fine for you to let this one go and save your friendship for someone who feels the same for you as you do for them.

FluffMagnet · 12/04/2021 21:53

Yeah as a non-Christian you're not going to be a godparent. If she knows you're not religious, I can understand why she didn't think you'd be surprised or upset not to be asked. Equally I keep my pregnancies quiet as long as I can, and I'm sure friends and family have been upset by this in the past. But frankly fuck it, it is my news and to me I'm not comfortable with the intrusive questions that seems to come with the territory. Likewise keeping hospital admission quiet until I knew all was well post-birth. People get excited but it can be a very worrying and stressful time for the parents and often their feelings are discounted. So maybe your expectations have made your friend uncomfortable and she is pulling away to protect her own boundaries?

Cocomarine · 12/04/2021 21:59

What’s to explain though?

“Hey, I’m not asking you to take on the role where you literally promise before a Christian god, in front of Christian witnesses, to guide a child in the Christian faith... because you’re not a Christian.” 🤦‍♀️

Dipi79 · 12/04/2021 21:59

Bloody hell, you sound super intense.
Nancy has made it very clear by her communication, or lack thereof, that you're not important to her in the way you perceived.
You're not owed an explanation around her godparent choices.
If I were Nancy, I'd be the one to cut with you, as you sound a tad obsessive/unhinged.

Cocomarine · 12/04/2021 22:03

If I were Nancy, I’d keep my distance from someone who went straight off to moan about me to other friends. Why on Earth were you discussing her godparent choice with “a lot of other friends”?!!!

How many is that? A lot has to be at least 5.

EmeraldShamrock · 12/04/2021 22:06

The friendship has already drifted. Did she meet her other friend in the same group.

EmeraldShamrock · 12/04/2021 22:07

Forgot to add yabu and extreme.

Alternista · 12/04/2021 22:13

What’s at the root of your extreme reaction, OP?

Is it that you feel rejected by her?
Jealous of the attention?
Foolish because you now feel like the friendship wasn’t equal?

Nanny0gg · 12/04/2021 22:18

@Manchestermum1983

I was shocked just because if I were to christen my children I would have definitely chosen her to be godparent as she was my best friend. A lot of other friends have also said to me that they were shocked that I wasn’t asked. She has spoken to other friends in our group and doesn’t understand why I’m so upset...and has not tried to speak to me about it at all. She just wants to carry on as normal, but I feel so betrayed I can’t move on and literally feel sick when I think about it.

No I’m not Christian, so yes that could be a reason, but I would have at least expected a conversation explaining why I wasn’t asked!

But she didn't even tell you she was pregnant!

Surely that told you that the friendship wasn't what you thought it was?

bloodyhell19 · 12/04/2021 22:21

Probably should have led with the fact that you are not actually Christian and therefore that would rule you out as a godparent...

But also sounds like Nancy has already distanced from you & you're late to that party. She didn't tell you she was pregnant or in labour and put off seeing you for a few months. I'd move on.

RonSwansonsChair · 12/04/2021 22:30

Sorry OP but it sounds like she's your oldest friend not your best friend.

Swipe left for the next trending thread