To think this is not fair?

[bobbinsbay]

So as everyone is aware, the beer gardens are open today. When the date was announced I said to DP that it would be lovely to take the children out for tea. He could have a couple of drink and it could be a bit of normality for us. He said no, it'd be too busy etc which I did agree with as yes, it probably would be and I left it.

Well today has come, he has a couple of days off work and has dropped hints all morning about him going to a beer garden, I haven't reacted and just brushed it off. Now he has said a friend has messaged asking him to go for pints with him and he wants to go.

I've explained that it isn't very fair, he didn't want us to go with the kids as it'll be too busy but it isn't too busy for him to sit there for a couple of hours with a friend.

He's not in a mood with me, claiming I'm stopping him from going out. I'm absolutely not, I've told him I wouldn't stop him but I want him to know that if he does go it would be incredibly unfair after previously saying no to plans I suggested.

AIBU to this this is a bit shit of him? I'm happy to accept it if I am being unreasonable it's not even that much of a big deal. Thanks

Did he explain how he thought it was different for him to go with a friend rather than your idea of taking the children? If my DH did something as blatantly hypocritical as this I would make him unpack it for me, so he would either have to produce a decent explanation or admit he's just being a selfish cunt and didn't want to bother taking his children out.

But then, I'm a cow.

YANBU. He'd clearly rather go to the pub with his mate than take his children out. I don't really blame him though, but he could at least be honest about it.

YANBU.

And yes, make him unpack his logic for you!

Yes he's being a selfish shit. Now he's moody and sulky. He really needs to grow up. A lot.

Tell him great, of course he can take the kids with him to the pub.

I wouldn’t be impressed.

YANBU! He is being a tit.

The explanation I got was that it's just different with a mate than it is with children. Which yes of course it is, and if it had been planned prior to go with a mate I would have absolutely no issue. It's the fact I mentioned it first and he was so against the idea.
Definitely in a selfish mood today, glad I'm not the only one who thinks so!

How old are the children?

I can't blame a parent to prefer meeting a friend in the garden than going with young kids after months of lockdown.

I would be pissed off with the inability to just explain it from the start. How hard is it to say "no thank you I prefer meeting xyz instead".

I think it’s possible that a meal out with kids in the (possible) crazy first day is a very different proposition than a drink with an adult friend.

Could be a really busy day, you’ve got the kids all excited and dragged out and it turns out cold, then you’re waiting ages for service and then food. If it feels too crowded, it’ll be a big disappointment to up and leave. (service could be fine - but lots of places were recruiting near me, so I wouldn’t be surprised to find inexperienced teams).

Whereas a drink with a mate... none of those issues, and easy to just walk away if it’s too cold or busy, no disappoint.

Plus... people can change their minds.

So I wouldn’t actually think my husband hypocritical for this. But I know he’d start the request with, “I know I said no to the dinner out idea, but...” and I also know he wouldn’t get into a mood with me for a no. So - both things would mean it’d be a yes.

He’s being a dick.

I can see both sides because it won’t be as relaxed with kids but overall I think he’s a bit selfish. You’ve all had to suffer lockdown but he’s the only one getting to enjoy a bit of normality with his mates.

He’s out of order
Does he usually like doing stuff with you all as a family?

Her suggestion was that they both go out, with the children, and get as much of a relaxing, enjoyable social experience as you can get with children in tow.

His answer amounts to "no, I want it to be more relaxing, enjoyable and social for ME than it will be if the children are there - so I will go and have that experience with a mate, and you can stay at home with the children and have none of it."

He's a cock.

He only had to be honest about it for the first moment he mentioned it

"bobbins, I know I said I didn't want to go with the kids but with mates is different"

And if he had then said "Arrange an afternoon with your mates, I'll keep the kids amused for the day"

If he had finished with "When the weather is better and the novelty has worn off we could go to..."

He could have redeemed his selfish self entirely!

Bet the last 2 didn't even occur to him!

I’d prefer to go to a pub garden with my friend rather than my kids but then again mine are young.
I can see why you are annoyed but I can also see why the pub with his friend rather than children is more appealing. Right now I wouldn’t bring my children to the pub, it would be too busy with adults drinking. I’d probably let it go and then plan an evening out myself.

I can understand that it’s going to be more fun with him to go with his friend than with his children, but if he can’t see how hypocritical he’s being then he’s a twat. I’d be feeling very hurt that he’d want to go with a friend but not his family. It’s not like your children would be allowed to do anything other than sit at the table with you, nicely spaced from others, so he is blatantly just saying your company isn’t worth it but his friends is.

I don’t think I’d care about this. easy to think ahead on how busy it would be / logistically more challenging but then now that the day is here and he has a few days off and it’s nice weather, i can see how nice and easy he’d think it would be to meet a friend

But then I have a generally easy going and respectful relationship with my husband so to me it wouldn’t seem a big deal. But I see how it could be if your partner had form for putting friends ahead of family etc

YANBU. If he has a couple of days he can go with his friend one day and you can take the kids for lunch or dinner on the other day. I'm not sure I'd take kids this week given how busy it will be and the weather. Or he could meet his friend one day and on his other days off you could meet a friend for drinks.

Poor communication and second-guessing strikes again...

He should have said, when you first talked about pubs reopening, that he'd rather go with mates. Pretty reasonable to want to get away from the household you've been stuck with for a year, and see different people you've been missing. Obviously OP should also have been able to see her mates as well this week.

But he second-guessed OP, thought she would have been offended, and lied about being busy. (OP was he reasonable to think this? Only you know.)

So we end up in a situation where he's trying to wriggle out of a stupid excuse and OP is more annoyed than she would have been in the first place.

OP this is a bit shit of him and you're not unreasonable to be annoyed but I'd tell him the annoyance is because he wasn't honest in the first place. Then I'd send him to the pub unless there's a practical objection. Then I'd organise your own drinks with your own friends this week. Then I'd probably forget about it because it's not such a huge deal, unless it's symptomatic of something bigger.

Tell him to take the kids with him when he meets his mates - job done 😇

YANBU.

He should have just owned it and said that he didn’t want to take the children to a beer garden in the first place. That would be the last place I would want to take our own children but they’re 6 and 3 and it wouldn’t be relaxing to me. Tbh, I wouldn’t meet up with anyone at one either knowing it would likely be crowded and service will likely be struggling (understandably though).

Dropping hints.. how old is he again?

My husband and I would just say it not drop hints as if we’re children asking our parents.
He’s asked me if I’ve wanted to take the boys to a beer garden in the past and I point out the reality of such a feat, tell him to go on his own and that I will let him know what day I will have my day.

It's my understanding that you have to stay at your table for service, no bumbling about.

Apart from the fact it's bloody freezing, I think kids would be bored stupid.

However, he could just be honest instead of sulking.

Natural not to want to take kids to a pub the first day they open after lockdown, it will be busy and hectic and kids in pubs are annoying at the best of times. It’s cold, there will be queues and probably whines of ‘when can we go home?’ after 30 minutes.

Normal that he’d prefer to go with a friend than take the kids there.

He didn’t communicate it very well though. And if he’s going for an afternoon with his friend I hope he looks after the kids next weekend so you can have an afternoon of child-free time too.

I would be annoyed if DH did this. I get that it is completely different and much easier to meet a mate for a drink then deal with kids in a busy beer garden, but, as others have said, he should just own it and admit it's a bit of a shitty thing to have done. I could then forgive and forget. The sulking is the worst part.