DC and grandparents WWYD?

[4081q081812]

In brief, I have always had a difficult relationship with my mother and not sure how best to handle the dynamic between DG, ourselves and our daughter.

I find my mother toxic etc and ideally would go NC with her but DD loves going over to her grandparents and my dad is amazing with her. I've had periods of going NC with them in the past but since my daughter was born have tried to ensure they have a relationship and we currently live really close to them. In the past, I used to take her over a couple of times a week but my mother would basically grill/criticise me the whole time and now DH takes DD and stays there while my dad plays with DD and my mother grills/criticises him. After a couple of months of doing this - DH is fed up. And am trying to find a way of my daughter still have a relationship with her grandparents but without too much involvement from ourselves. DD is only 2.5 so we do need to take her there etc.

I know it's a weird one, and i dont want to deprive my kid but at the same time - I cant handle her just being nasty to us the whole time we're at theirs while my father plays with DD.

Any tips on how best to maintain relations between grandkids/grandparents while the parents cant stand the gradnparents.

Tell her to stop or she won’t see her granddaughter. Stand by that.

So your going to let a small child soon bear the brunt of her critism and grilling?
...

She'll eventually turn that toxicity onto your DD. And whilst your DF is perhaps nicer, he's just enabling her behaviour by not calling her out on it. If you don't think she'll change I wouldn't let my DD continue to have a relationship with her, as harsh as that sounds.

Your daughter won't be deprived - she'll soon forget.

You need to tell her. Or at least talk to your Dad so he can tell her. Or arrange something so that you’re spending time with your dad and not your mum.

Hasn’t your mum wondered why you have stopped going and are sending your DH all the time?

You can't just send your child into that because you can't handle it. Can you arrange to meet just your dad somewhere?

I don't understand the absolute need to go their house with DD? If your M is that horrendous then distance from her and meet your DDad in a park or out somewhere. No one needs to be subjected to that criticism and it's not conducive to a positive relationship.

I'd go for meeting your dad somewhere. You really don't need to inflict your mother on your DH or your daughter.

Why does your father just sit by and listen to your mother being so horrible? His behaviour has consequences, too. Your mother is a lost cause, so I would tell your father he visits alone at your home because you will not longer tolerate your mother's abuse.

It won't be long until your mother tuens her bile onto your child. You can't let that happen.

Your father can come to yours or meet you outside somewhere.

Why do you want your dd to spend time with such a toxic person.
Meet your dad in the park or somewhere else. If you feel your dd needs to have interaction with a grandparent but don’t go near your mother

It's not depriving her to keep her away from toxic people, it is protecting her. It will be harmful to her to hear all the grilling and criticism of her parents.

And yes, chances are your mother will eventually do the same to dd.

I tried telling her that she should stop with all the criticisms - but she just says it's my fault and she's doing nothing wrong. But now even DH has got fed up so it's really not just me.

DF is definitely great with DD - hence am reluctant to cut ties like i did last time (before she was born). I also dont want to say hey we'll drop her around and pick her up later as they will see this as us using them. The problem is that neither DH/I want to sit around their house for two/three hours twice a week having our life criticised and dissected by my mother

unfortunately, if I suggested that my dad meets DD in the park more than once my mother sees that as something against her and bans him from coming out. She's that nuts. She somehow sees it as her being left out and cant handle it. If she cant do it her way - no one can

Your Dad has enabled your mothers behaviour your entire lifetime, he is not some lovely innocent bystander in this dynamic.

Tell him he is welcome to come to yours anytime on his own. Let him choose whether a relationship with DD means enough to him to go against your mother.

I don’t understand why you’re bending over backwards to facilitate a relationship with your child.

Why is it important for them to be close when she can’t offer you the smallest amount of respect?

And I agree with @RandomMess

Your dad is complicit in her behaviour.

I would not put up with my husband behaving like that. He’s chosen her over you.

Sorry OP, then I'd cut ties. You might want to check out the Stately Homes thread too - your DF is just as responsible as your DM. He's her flying monkey. I bet he tells you to ignore her, or acknowledges she's toxic but doesn't do anything about it. How old is DD?

What RandomMess said. It's then up to your dad to stand up to your mum and come and see you both

She somehow sees that as her being left out

Well there is no “somehow” about it is there, if you, your daughter and father meet up without her she is being left out. For that reason, I am not sure how you can practically have a relationship with one parent not the other. I don’t know why you are so determined to pursue it at all, if it is a toxic environment you don’t need to force your daughter into it.

I can never understand why people want to encourage relationships between their kids and people who they themselves don't have a good relationship with. Why on earth would you want your mother to have any influence over your child? She's toxic. She's not going to change. I'd arrange to meet your dad outside of their house but I wouldn't make any efforts to meet your mum. Do you really want your child to grow up hearing her grandmother criticise you?

I feel your dad is unwilling to stand up to her then that's his problem. If he won't meet you without her then that's his problem. Whatever happens, do not inflict your mothers toxic behaviour on your child.

Let the/any relationship develop naturally - put in less work and let the gps make some effort. The relationship will be whatever they make it.

Thanks for everyone's replies. I guess I just feel sad for my kid and my dad. He has totally become complicit in this and in the past when it was just me - he basically stopped seeing me outside the house because she couldnt handle it. As a result I didnt see him for years.

Since he's retired - he really doesnt have anything to do and just loves having DD around and is so good with her. So it's great for both of them but I dont know if the price of that is too high for DH and I. Effectively, all our free time is currently spent sitting in my parents house being grilled and taken apart by my mother while my dad plays with DD in the other room. And they both think thats totally cool

And to answer the question as to why I would do that.

I guess because after years of her criticisms and putting me down and making me feel like it's all my fault - i just dont know whats up/whats down. I dont want to deprive DD of a relationship with her grandparents in case I am the evil one I guess.

Why do you want your DC to have a relationship with such a toxic woman and her enabler? As a parent do you not consider it your responsibility to shield DC from people like that?

You appear to be in the FOG (Fear Obligation Guilt) and cannot see what you are doing is all kinds of wrong.