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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DC and grandparents WWYD?

75 replies

4081q081812 · 12/04/2021 13:06

In brief, I have always had a difficult relationship with my mother and not sure how best to handle the dynamic between DG, ourselves and our daughter.

I find my mother toxic etc and ideally would go NC with her but DD loves going over to her grandparents and my dad is amazing with her. I've had periods of going NC with them in the past but since my daughter was born have tried to ensure they have a relationship and we currently live really close to them. In the past, I used to take her over a couple of times a week but my mother would basically grill/criticise me the whole time and now DH takes DD and stays there while my dad plays with DD and my mother grills/criticises him. After a couple of months of doing this - DH is fed up. And am trying to find a way of my daughter still have a relationship with her grandparents but without too much involvement from ourselves. DD is only 2.5 so we do need to take her there etc.

I know it's a weird one, and i dont want to deprive my kid but at the same time - I cant handle her just being nasty to us the whole time we're at theirs while my father plays with DD.

Any tips on how best to maintain relations between grandkids/grandparents while the parents cant stand the gradnparents.

OP posts:

Rumplestrumpet · 12/04/2021 13:39

It's not clear exactly what your mum does that is so awful, or what form the criticism/grilling takes. But taking your word for it that she is in fact toxic, there is absolutely no reason for you to facilitate a relationship between her and your child. Indeed it seems utterly mad that you and your husband have both gone to such lengths to ensure they spend time together.

If your mother is unreasonable and toxic with you she will be exactly the same with your daughter in time. Better to get her out of it now.

You offer a safe space for your father to spend time with his granddaughter - the park, your house, etc. He then deals with any problems that come up with his wife - their relationship is not your responsibility. If he can't come then so be it, but you're not responsible for that.

Please protect your daughter. This is your opportunity to show her (and your mum!!) that you will put her needs first and keep her away from nasty toxic people.

paisleydot · 12/04/2021 13:39

Your dad is a grown man - if he wants to have a relationship with his granddaughter then he will do what he can to continue it. I don't understand how your dad would be ok with you sitting there, twice a week being criticised over and over again. Why do you want your daughter to have a relationship with your mum? If you and your DH aren't there, then she might start indirectly criticising you to her, or worse actually criticise her.

Disfordarkchocolate · 12/04/2021 13:39

It is not a bad thing to deprive children of the contact with toxic people.

If your Dad wants to he can meet you or your husband with your daughter on his own.

Notaroadrunner · 12/04/2021 13:42

@4081q081812

And to answer the question as to why I would do that.

I guess because after years of her criticisms and putting me down and making me feel like it's all my fault - i just dont know whats up/whats down. I dont want to deprive DD of a relationship with her grandparents in case I am the evil one I guess.

You know you are not the evil one. You know your mother is a toxic cow. Please don't have your dd end up like you in years to come at the hands of this woman - belittled and bullied and second guessing herself. Encourage relationships with people who love you and your Dh, who appreciate you both and who won't ever criticise you or have a bad influence on your child. She doesn't need a bully grandmother or a grandfather who allows the bully to continuously upset you and your Dh.

diddl · 12/04/2021 13:44

"but since my daughter was born have tried to ensure they have a relationship"

Why?

Someone that you as an adult struggle with so much that you have at times been NC, that your husband struggles with yet you want to inflict them on your child?

It beggars belief to me that shit parents are given the honour of a relationship with their GC.

Protect your child from them-don't offer her up in the hope that your relationship with your parents will improve!

Aprilshowersandhail · 12/04/2021 13:44

Sorry op I stopped reading a few lines in.

I add my two pennies..
Stop sacrificing your dc to appease a woman who you know to be toxic... As a dm it is YOUR duty to protect your dc.. What aren't you? You won't gain her approval via your dc..
Your dc loves the dgm idea. They don't really know her do they?
You do and yet you want them in her company!! Seek therapy to seek answers to why you know she isn't a good dm but you think being a dgm will put her right...
Ime it bloody won't.

Rumplestrumpet · 12/04/2021 13:45

Just seem your update. Clearly you've been through a lot trying to salvage a relationship with your father and it must be painful to have to walk away. But you have your own family now. Focus on them.

As lockdown eases and the weather improves, get out and have some fun with your husband and daughter. She's at a great age for discovering new places and activities. Enjoy your spare time as a family and away from your mother's influence.

I'd also consider some therapy for yourself to rebuild your confidence.

Good luck

Springisspringing2 · 12/04/2021 13:55

Op.. I've had a similar one situation and your mother's action's are leaving you no choice.

You can't sacrifice everything to put a vulnerable child in the company of your your dm.. It's absolutely not going to benefit her.

As for your df... Then it's down to him to finally deal with her.

Op I understand the guilt that comes with this.. I've been through it and in my situation it was so hard because they are the only gp.

But neither myself nor my dh can stand to be around in laws and dc started to act up going there and didn't want to go anywhere near them either.

I've posted loads about them on here in different ways.. And a poster said we can't handle them, however the hell is a small child supposed too.

You've tried your best, your dh has.. You can do know more and it's down to them now.
Gradually withdraw.. Dd doesn't feel well can't come this week.. Next week meet up with friends.. Gradually withdraw.. As sad as it is its not down to to a toddler to provide your dad with something to do and allow her to enter this Web..

BlackMarauder · 12/04/2021 13:58

@4081q081812

And to answer the question as to why I would do that.

You're repeating the cycle of abuse by exposing your daughter to this woman. Your mum will eventually turn her criticisms on your DC. I can assure you, your DD will not thank you for not doing your part to protect her self worth.

Boringnamechanging · 12/04/2021 14:00

Don't allow contact. It won't be long before she is slagging you off to your daughter.

Leave an open invite to your father to meet at the park etc and make him grow a backbone or invent a reason to leave his house to meet you.

Original poster

4081q081812 · 12/04/2021 14:00

To those who ask if what way is she toxic - the hardest thing for me is that she grills you about your life and in my case every thought and decision seems to be wrong and not how she thinks things need to be from my attitude to my job, what I eat, Dc eats, where I live, what I wear....basically everything. She has completely black and white thinking and needs me living out her principles/ideas to validate her. i.e. she needs me to implement all her advice etc about everything and she doesnt stop until i do. Nothing I say is ever right or correct.

By now we come from different cultures and generations- in her culture at the time everything was black and white and the mentaility of you are with us or against us was cultivated by the regime from birth. So I get where she comes from but cant live it and before I have DC just stopped seeing her. As an immigrant she is also lonely and I do see ways in which she needs me to validate her choices bit the problem is that we are too different and I struggle having to constantly predict what is the right thing to say.

She actually doesnt spend mucb time with DD....she's not that into kids. She just expects us to sit eieth her and have dissect us as my dad plays

OP posts:

Springisspringing2 · 12/04/2021 14:01

Op your not evil.. You have done what you can.. You need to withdraw and with head held high and a clean conscious.

After a few cancellations to break this pattern you have allowed maybe say with lovely fresh weather not fair to dd to meet in house, meet in Park.
Then leave it then say.. Dh doesn't feel comfortable bringing dd and neither do you because of dm behavior.. So it's park or nothing.

Flapjak · 12/04/2021 14:03

Well the thing here is that your dad will choose your mother over you and his granddaughter. So what is the point in fostering a relationship because at some point if your mum is that toxic then this will effect your daughter directly or indirectly so you will need to stop the relationship . Are you able to elaborate on what she is criticizing you both on?

FedUpAtHomeTroels · 12/04/2021 14:03

Your Dd needs two happy parents who are together, more than she needs a relationship with an abusive grandmother.
Stop going over there she's 2.5 she isn't going to miss them.
You father will then have the oppotunity to either visit you on his own if he wants to see Dd, or tell his wife to STFU and let him have a relationship with your Dd.

Branleuse · 12/04/2021 14:08

I dont see the point in building up a massive bond with them if the chances are it will have to stop in the future anyway. Surely better to keep things distant and low key from the start.

Flapjak · 12/04/2021 14:08

Sorry cross posted..so you have a difficult personality, a cultural divide, and someone who may be deep down jealous of your freedoms and opportunities that she didnt have? Would it help to write both your parents a letter telling them exacy how you feel and that whilst your mum may not agree with your choices can she stop giving a voice to them as it damaging to their future relationship with their grandchild?

MargosKaftan · 12/04/2021 14:13

OP - you need to accept that if your father put up with your mum treating you badly, he either agreed with her or put his need for an easy life above what was best for his child. He's not a good person to be round your dd either.

Id invite him to the park /make it clear he's welcome to pop over to yours. But then leave that to him.

Your dd is young enough not to remember them. Your dad does need to realise you will put your child first even if he didn't.

Your mum will turn on your child eventually.

Bibidy · 12/04/2021 14:15

@4081q081812

Thanks for everyone's replies. I guess I just feel sad for my kid and my dad. He has totally become complicit in this and in the past when it was just me - he basically stopped seeing me outside the house because she couldnt handle it. As a result I didnt see him for years.

Since he's retired - he really doesnt have anything to do and just loves having DD around and is so good with her. So it's great for both of them but I dont know if the price of that is too high for DH and I. Effectively, all our free time is currently spent sitting in my parents house being grilled and taken apart by my mother while my dad plays with DD in the other room. And they both think thats totally cool

If you really want to continue taking her, can whoever takes her round there not just not sit with your mum? Go to wherever your DF and DD are and sit with them.

Or invite them to you to see DD instead and then just get on with whatever you like while they are there.

Tal45 · 12/04/2021 14:15

Why don't you cut the visits down to once a week and take turns with your DH to go so you are both only there every other week. Then when you are there instead of sitting in a different room why don't you go with your dad and daughter and actively join in the play.

Your mum sounds extremely controlling which is really horrible but at the heart of it will likely be anxiety and very low self esteem. You're very unlikely to be able to change her so if she makes things impossible no matter what you try then you have to step away, the sooner you do that the better as it will only get harder as your dd gets older. You can give your dad the option to stay in contact but it sounds like he is a weak man so I'm sure you won't be surprised if he doesn't.

blackcat86 · 12/04/2021 14:17

Twice a week is an extremely high level of contact for GPs who aren't helping with childcare. Cut it down to once every few weeks, preferably out somewhere as things open. You also need to work on your boundaries to and decide with your DH what you will or will not accept. Forcing him to sit in their house twice a week isn't a good solution

VettiyaIruken · 12/04/2021 14:20

Don't let your child down by waiting until she fucks her up by starting on her.

Your dad's made his choice. A consequence of his choice may just have to be he doesn't get to see his grandchild. You can't really offer up your kid to your mother's constant criticisms because you want to spare the feelings of a man who didn't protect you from it and in all probability won't step in for his grandchild either.

Hoppinggreen · 12/04/2021 14:20

@4081q081812

unfortunately, if I suggested that my dad meets DD in the park more than once my mother sees that as something against her and bans him from coming out. She's that nuts. She somehow sees it as her being left out and cant handle it. If she cant do it her way - no one can

Well that’s his choice. Sounds like he has enabled her nasty behaviour for years and is part of the problem. Don’t inflict the cow on the rest of your family

Hoppinggreen · 12/04/2021 14:21

@4081q081812

And to answer the question as to why I would do that.

You aren’t.

Tinydinosaur · 12/04/2021 14:23

Why don't you both go and meet them somewhere that isn't their home, like the park. Then anytime she asks you something just talk to your husband instead, or walk off and sit somewhere else.
Going to their house is trapping you and giving her all the power and by going alone you're making yourselves easy targets.

Stompythedinosaur · 12/04/2021 14:24

You can't stop your mother from acting in the way she chooses to, but you can choose not to expose yourself or your family to it.

You would not really be depriving your dc, the way they treat you is how they will treat her in the future.

Your df may be great, but he isn't protecting you or your dc, and if he isn't willing to meet outside the house that says something about him.

I think you've been worn down to a point where their behaviour seems more normal than it is.

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