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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell ex to stop trying micromanaging me

58 replies

UseMyName · 12/04/2021 12:29

He text me this morning to ask if our son put eczema cream on (he told me to remember to do this at drop off less than 24 hours ago) and to make sure he eats healthy and exercise.

I told him I don’t need to be micromanaged or told how to look after him and he’s told me I’m out of order to say that to him (this was all by text).

OP posts:
EL8888 · 12/04/2021 13:42

Ignore ignore ignore. Yep l can see why he’s your ex

DrSbaitso · 12/04/2021 13:43

You need to get a friend who is a whiz with Photoshop to create some images of you dangling your child over a cliff, putting him in the washing machine and giving him a carving knife, shotgun and axe to play with.

lockdownalli · 12/04/2021 13:44

@Choice4567

‘If I ignored him then he would say I’m ignoring DS’s health - he has completely worn me down over the years.’

Well ignore that too. Just keep not engaging

This. OP you need to start anew. To be honest, unless DS is with him, you can ignore anything he has to say can't you?
MzHz · 12/04/2021 13:44

Use US here @UseMyName

Every time he messages you, tell us. Tell us what you want to reply to him, but don’t give him the oxygen

He will eventually get bored and go and bend someone else’s ear about something else.

hannayeah · 12/04/2021 13:50

Is he an anxious person or a big jerk?

ie; do you think he’s really worried or trying to upset you?

Confusedandshaken · 12/04/2021 13:52

You've told him you will not be micromanaged by him. Don't let him goad you into paying him attention. Read his texts and respond if it is important. Otherwise just ignore them.

MMMarmite · 12/04/2021 13:54

And if he said you're ignoring ds's health... so what? Could you just ignore that comment too?

Original poster
UseMyName · 12/04/2021 14:24

@DrSbaitso

You need to get a friend who is a whiz with Photoshop to create some images of you dangling your child over a cliff, putting him in the washing machine and giving him a carving knife, shotgun and axe to play with.
This made me laugh - thank you 😁

We split up many years ago because he cheated, we’ve never been to court or had anything official set out, but he has taken another to court over 10 times for access to that child and is about to go through the same thing for another child so I think he’s trying to be a ‘good father’ my obsessing about DS’s health.

At what age (of the child) can I expect this stuff to lessen, has anyone got any experience?

OP posts:
whatk8ydid · 12/04/2021 14:31

If you feel like you need to reply but don't want to get into an argument, I'd be SO tempted to go with "I'm sorry you're feeling anxious again today. Don't worry, I've got it covered.". Every single time he asks something dumb/patronising/controlling. Should backfire on him quite nicely if he is trying to use it as proof of being such a great dad Wink

Mmn654123 · 12/04/2021 14:44

@UseMyName

He text me this morning to ask if our son put eczema cream on (he told me to remember to do this at drop off less than 24 hours ago) and to make sure he eats healthy and exercise.

I told him I don’t need to be micromanaged or told how to look after him and he’s told me I’m out of order to say that to him (this was all by text).

Eczema is often managed badly by parents not using creams adequately. Do you have a history of not putting the creams on regularly? How long has the eczema been bad? Is it improving?

If it's specifically eczema treatment that is the concern then I would understand his concern and I would text and remind him every time it's due while the child is in his care. Belt and braces. I'm sure he won't find it any more annoying than you do and what matters is getting the eczema under control.

Maray1967 · 12/04/2021 14:45

Either try the bland responses or thumbs up emoji each time so it takes nothing to do or as PP suggested, bombard him with detailed comments on his meals, sleep, toilet habits repeatedly throughout the day. I’d do the latter and I’d be laughing my head off each time.
It sounds like he’ll not give up if you object to his requests so you either block him which might lead to more hassle when you drop DC off or you need to train him not to want these comments by bombarding him with them .

Devlesko · 12/04/2021 14:54

Dear God, how many kids has he got?
I'd be wary, keep everything he sends, but ignore him.

Ariela · 12/04/2021 14:54

At what age (of the child) can I expect this stuff to lessen, has anyone got any experience?

I would suggest by the age of 8-10 your child should be responsible for ensuring they've applied the cream themselves.

But I do like @whatk8ydid 's response

Original poster
UseMyName · 12/04/2021 15:15

@Mmn654123 it’s in his hands so it’s bad at the moment because of all the extra handwashing/gel use it’s actually cleared up on other problem areas of his body.

He’s 10.

I’m tempted to reply ‘unsubscribe’ 😂🙈

OP posts:
HollyBollyBooBoo · 12/04/2021 15:30

Definitely let him know you don't need this kind of treatment and you're perfectly competent then ignore.

Aprilshowersandhail · 12/04/2021 15:33

I would be meeting the other 2 dm's and forming a plan..

He sounds nuts.

MagnoliaBeige · 12/04/2021 15:37

If reply to every single one with either the thumbs up emoji or a simple “noted”.

Original poster
UseMyName · 12/04/2021 15:38

@Aprilshowersandhail

I would be meeting the other 2 dm's and forming a plan..

He sounds nuts.

Funnily enough both have them have tried to ‘befriend’ me after their splits but were abusive to me when they were with him so I have no interest in that at all.
OP posts:
MagnoliaBeige · 12/04/2021 15:38

I’d, not if!!

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/04/2021 15:43

@harknesswitch

If you can't ignore simply send him a 👍 for every single text he sends.

Have you put cream on
👍

Has he had enough water
👍

Has he eaten today
👍

Did he sleep ok
👍

What did he have for breakfast
👍

How was school
👍

I was coming on here to suggest this.

The PA thumbs up was MADE for this situation.

expectopelargonium · 12/04/2021 15:47

He wants some 'evidence' of what a good dad he is, to bolster the court case with the other one.

Just reply with the thumbs-up to every message like a pp suggested.

Nith · 12/04/2021 15:47

Reply that he is out of order by trying to tell you how to parent your child, and that you won't be responding to any similar texts or messages in future.

lottiegarbanzo · 12/04/2021 15:55

You've replied. Now ignore.

AintPageantMaterial · 12/04/2021 15:57

I really rate the ‘thumbs up’ idea but, if it would get him off your back more effectively, you could try being sickly sweet and patronising about it “Of course. You need to try not to worry so much”, “There’s really no need to fuss. He’s absolutely fine.” “Calm down. All well here” etc - so you never answer a direct question, you just imply he’s obsessing over nothing. Plenty of men do it.

queenatom · 12/04/2021 16:14

Thumbs up emoji was my first instinct, to be honest. Others have given some good advice too.

Solidarity on the eczema, my husband has had it since he was a kid and all the handwashing and gels have sent it haywire over the past year. He can't get his phone to unlock using his thumbprint any more because the skin on it is so mangled.