AIBU/help - so close to snapping at FIL during call

[BadHairFatFeet]

Common sense tells me that I should probably just bite my tongue and accept that this is just one of those things that parents should shrug off.

However, I am a bit concerned that for the past few months, my FIL's comments during FaceTime with DH, DS, and myself are starting to really wind me up.

We live about 4 hours away from both my DPs and my ILs. DS (2.5 yrs old) is first PFBGC on both sides, and i completely appreciate it's been really hard for our respective families to miss out on so much of his growing over the last year. This means that weekly FaceTimes probably do come with a bit more pressure than usual but over the last 3/4 months, FIL has been commenting nearly every week on some aspect of our parenting.

Eg, DS can be such a fussy eater, to the point where he often refuses to eat lunch/dinner and we end up with a stand-off then trantrum situation and he gets a time out and no treats. When we told ILs this, FIL says "he looks fine to me, don't be so hard on him, he's not even 3"

Eg if we FaceTime just before bed and DS is having a mad five minutes and FIL is encouraging him, as we ask DS to calm down - we get "leave him alone, he's having fun" (nb we try to not FaceTime too close to bed for this reason but it's sometimes unavoidable).

Eg when i say "DS it's time for your bath, say goodnight to GM and GD" FIL will say "don't upset him" - what?!

He's also lectured us at times on all the staff we need to with DS when things re-open, like swimming ("you make sure you take that boy swimming), as if we're not planning on doing anything?

Basically, whenever my DH confides in his parents that we;ve had a less than perfect time and have tried something like a time out, or no treats, or we ask him to calm down, they never say stuff along the lines of "yeah that sounds tough, it will pass" it's always us being hard on him.

I'm also PG with DD1 and FIL keeps making comments about us recycling some of DS' clothes for her (because he's a boy) and tells DS that there's going to be loads of dolls on the house getting in the way of his dinosaurs.

I know these aren't big things, and no doubt the distance is making ILs miss DS even more - so hopefully with restrictions easing, we can see more of them and the FaceTime calls won't be so stressful. I think this is FIL/IL's way of trying to bond with DS and be 'cool'. But this undermining us openly is getting annoying and i worry that it will continue in person. DS is sharp and will pick up on it, and that makes mine and DH's life harder.

DH agrees with me on the above, in fact, i think it gets under his skin more because they're his parents and he needs support and reassurance from them more than i do.

What would you all do?

I know you say it’s unavoidable but surely you just FaceTime when it’s not close to his bedtime/Bath time and stop confiding in them in any issues? It sounds like much ado about nothing!

I would smile and wave.

He is just a bored, older person who probably feels crappy about not having seen the kids and is channelling that by saying these things - which by the way don't seem so bad? They come from a place of love? I mean, obviously you are in the moment but my Nan used to say this stuff all the time and yes, my Mum got sniffy about it. Would be lovely to be able to hear my Nan say stuff again.

I wouldn't tell them anything that they could turn around and upset you with. Keep the calls to a minimum and try and let it wash over you. Dont let it get to you, it has no effect on your life except to be irritating so remove the irritation as much as possible. It would different if he lived next door and was in your face every day but he's 4 hours away.

Have a quiet word, or get your DH to. FIL probably doesn't know he's like this.

YANBU though, I'd be fuming

I agree with PP - doesn't sound bad to me. Is there something of a personality clash between you and your FIL?

Stop telling them things, stop facetiming before bed, you don't have to. It's quite easy to say "we can't facetime tonight it's too near bed time and you hype him up so he doesn't sleep well, see you next weekend."
The sexism is just something I'd keep saying we don't follow "we don't do the whole girls toys and boys toys, they can both play with dolls and dinosaurs." "Children don't have gendered clothing, she can wear any of his clothes."

Ps it's more than just irritating: if your ILs get into the habit of undermining and questioning all your parenting decisions, it'll be he'll when your DS goes to them for visits. Nip it in the bud now with a calm conversation

Op definitely try and tell your fil to butt his nose out but.. And I'm sure people will come up with good links, stop the time out over food now...this really isn't good at all.
I've got a fussy eater and know how soul destroying it can be but food is so personal and you could trigger deep emotional stuff doing this over food.

Don't make a big thing out of meal times.. Don't force to sit altogether and focus on his food.. You need to get creative and be flexible..

Usually it's suggested to present lots of little things for them to pick at.. Let him touch his food.. Smoosch it.. Whatever.. Help him reconnect with it..

Break the pattern and cycle you have.
Maybe he's getting too much else here?
Whatever you do please do not punish him.. You need to take the onus here and get creative..

Try lots of different things including letting him watch TV! But you must break this pattern and never punish him over food.

You need to learn to shrug this stuff off! I have 3 kids of various ages and my MIL is always saying annoying things which are judgy, I just move on! I.e. "you'll be off to the park tomorrow, it's going to be sunny" (me thinking - no, we are planning to eat Easter eggs and watch movies) etc.

And stop telling them things! They can only have an opinion on what they see/you tell them, if they are annoying you, limit the chat!

I’m with your FIL though. I appreciate it’s difficult to hear it, especially when you’re do emotionally invested, but criticism that makes you feel cross is usually because you’re defensive and you suspect some truth in it. From what you’ve written, time outs and withholding treats from a 2.5 year old sounds mad. They tantrum. It’s barely ‘behaviour’ at that age - more instinct! Anyway, I’m sure this post will irritate the fuck out of you, I felt the same when I was criticised about my maniac expectations on my pfb. You only get to realise what a controlling nutter you are from a distance. FIL has that distance.

@Yokey no in fact FIL and I get along really well - we normally always have a laugh together and I actually think he's the unsung hero of the family in many ways.

@Springisspringing2 I know I need to reassess how we cope with mealtimes. I think part of it is DS has a few food allergies, so i'm probably more fixated on him getting a proper meal than I would be otherwise.

Also - the sexist stuff would drive me mad too so I see why that irritates you.

The bottom line is getting him fed and to eat.
There was poster who had these issues and got lots of helpful links and advice which I also deployed.. As a mother it's heart breaking when you want your dc to eat, mine always looked thin too (long lean dad)..

Lots of tips.. Different foods on offer, presented coulor full, distractions! Colouring.. Tv.. Whatever.. To get them to try that food.
Often the absolute worse thing you can do with a child who really focuses on food is put all the focus on food by everyone sitting "quietly" together!!

I'd often have to get dd memorised by something to feed her. With nothing else to do expect look at food she wouldn't eat!

I'd just snap at him, OP. My ILs (of whom I am very fond, FIL in particular) have completely different ideas about parenting, gender, manners, behaviour to mine and DH's, but we both just say so when it comes up. I save my tongue-biting for situations where something utterly catastrophic would happen if I were to speak.

The diet of less information.. Let ds chat to fil. If he doesn't /won't then cut the call short.. Fil isn't going it be mad as ds is he??

OP I think your FIL sounds painful. Nobody likes to be lectured on their parenting. However it is not your job to censor what comes out of your FIL’s mouth unless it is deliberately harmful to you or your child. The only relationships where we support the growth of the other person into (hopefully) a better person is our children and sometimes our spouses.

It is your job though to set limits to the time you spend listening to him (his shite) and it is your job to remove yourself when he gets too irritating for you to be bothered listening any longer. I’m sure you are doing your absolute best as a parent and you don’t need to be patronised by someone who I’m sure has good intentions but feck all self awareness.

I read the first part and wondered if there was some sexism at play, then read the comments about dolls. Ugh.

Being pragmatic - avoid tricky times for facetiming. It sounds as if youre already figuring out the food issue.

Why would you snap at him? To me it sounds like he can tell you're both a bit stressed sometimes and most of his comments just sound like he's trying to defuse the situation and basically telling you in the nicest possible way to chill a bit. No biggie.

[quote BadHairFatFeet]@Yokey no in fact FIL and I get along really well - we normally always have a laugh together and I actually think he's the unsung hero of the family in many ways.

@Springisspringing2 I know I need to reassess how we cope with mealtimes. I think part of it is DS has a few food allergies, so i'm probably more fixated on him getting a proper meal than I would be otherwise.[/quote]
In that case, I'd say continue to be patient. With things like the (probaby unintentional sexism) just respond casually to correct him e.g. "yes, there'll be even more toys to play with". When he says "don't upset him", respond happily to your DS "Our [ds' name] wouldn't get upset by bathtime, would you!"

I think if you like him and want happy relations, don't make him feel he's on eggshells. He's trying to be nice to DS rather than undermine you. I can see how it would grate if you felt you couldn't respond at all. Subtle and polite corrections is what I'd try.

I think he isn't saying anything awful, Yabu and over sensitive.

I’m kind of with your fil. The mealtime stand offs is a sure fire way to encourage his pickiness and give him anxiety. Why would you give him time outs for not eating?
He’s bound to get excited on FaceTime with GP’s, you should pick your time better.
The comments about swimming whilst might be annoying come from a place of love. Swimming is a life skill that my parents and grandparents were all adamant we needed to start, turns out they’d all known children who’d drowned due to the different parenting back then and 6 year olds basics being allowed out all day with friends. In all likelihood if GP’s weren’t so far away they’d probably want to take your son swimming themselves.

He's literally just being a grandparent...you need to get over yourself and stop being so oversensitive.

'The food our children eat ' by Joanna Blythman is a great book for strategies around food. Tantrums, time out and treats are not recommended

This one is tricky. It IS annoying having people butt in all the time, but you DO sound a bit uptight and unrealistic. At 2.5, he's not going to calm down when there's af FaceTime and chat and all the attention. It just isn't going to happen. So either accept it or simply don't do FaceTime at that time. It's annoying when FIL tells you to chill but I can't help agreeing with him. Ditto, as other posters have said, you are putting too much pressure on him re food. A reminder that it takes a child something like 69 days to starve to death. If he's drinking and eating at least something, that's the important thing. Of course treats shouldn't replace "proper" food but there's a huge difference between not giving treats all the time and doing time out for not eating.

I know this is probably annoying to hear because in effect I'ma agreeing with your FIL but you do sound a lot like SIL who is always banging on about "boundaries" with her DC and couldn't understand why getting down to talk seriously to a 2 year old had zero effect.

We’ve all been there to some degree or other. Re the girls / boys clothes and toys just ignore it as you will be the bigger influence and do want you want to do. (I purposely avoided pink for my daughter until she was old enough to express a preference.).

FaceTiming is really difficult with young children - there have been other threads with ideas on how to manage it. Try have a look - the expectations on everyone is so high as this is the only way to interact at the moment.

I agree with Spring about food. I did the same thing with DS1 about food and had lots of tearful mealtimes where he refused to eat what I had lovingly prepared. I resorted to bribing him with cake. It was only went I went to a friends house and they just gave the children whatever they were having that I realised how I had gone wrong. Take the pressure off yourself, feed him what you have it but adapt it as required and try to eat as a family and make it a fun time. If you can involve him in preparing it - even peeling things, mashing them together. My DS is 14 now and eats a wide range of food, is keen to experiment, can make meals for the whole family and wolfs food down.