How Unhappy is Normal

[ThePriceOfSugar]

In every life some rain falls. I certainly don't expect happiness and fulfilment all the time, but how much unhappiness is normal in everyday life?

My example: I'm 23. I have nice friends and a loving family whom I see regularly. But my boyfriend is 13,000km away and I haven't seen him in 7 months, and I have a corporate job I hate that makes me work most weekends and I cry in the bathroom most days. Last weekend I attended a mentoring event and got really upset that I have lost interest in my previous dreams and ambitions and feel like hope is too dangerous a feeling to have.
I rely heavily on alcohol and nicotine to get me through the week.

How were your 20s?

Hi OP. It sounds like your job is a serious problem and is making you Seriously unhappy. No job is worth that.

It's not about what's normal statistically. Everyone should be arriving to just be happy as much as possible.

My 20s were epic. I was happy throughout despite a bad relationship and horrible break up in the middle. I worked crazy hours but partied and traveled and had a fantastic time. I was genuinely happy.

Sort out your job situation and I suspect your life will improve massively.

I was married and bloody miserable in my 20s but more even now. I think have a blue spell a few times a week or month is normal. Crying everyday is not really okay.
What makes you happy? Seems silly but you need self care. It's taken me 15 years to figure that out embarrassingly. It's true that you can't pour from an empty cup.
When I go running or exercise and do studying or reading each day I am more stable and happier. This means random work crap or crap broken at home doesn't make me cry as I have more resilience.
If your concerned about depression or anxiety then maybe speak to someone, it's been a truly crapy year and a lot of people are struggling.

Thanks for your comments. You're right about the job being a major problem, but it's not a great time to be unemployed/job seeking.

I don't think I am clinically depressed but work has given me the first panic attacks of my life.

I like to hear about others' experiences of this time of life. I don't know how much I should put up with!

What were your dreams. Tell us and we'll try and be supportive of what you have to change to make them achieveable, step-by-step.
This job is clearly not ok. Addressing that first is pivotal.

Your level of unhappiness is not normal OP. There are jobs out there that won't make you feel like this.

Long distance relationships are tough - and that sounds particularly long distance with covid restrictions on top. I'm sorry.

You are SOOOOO young. You have all the time in the world. You must give notice on this horrible job. Around your age I gave notice on what should have been my dream job but was way too stressful. I had a couple of years of refinding my mojo, a mixture of volunteering, temping (to fund the rest) and travelling. The first of those years I regard as the best year of my life.

After that I got a 'proper' job again. I didn't retrain (though some of the volunteering gave me new skills and experience) but that's also an option for you.

Relationship wise... later in my 20s I had a long distance relationship - it's hard work. At the end of my twenties when I met someone who lived the other side of the country I refused to do the long distance thing.... he moved to my town. And is now DH. If (when) you give up your job one option is moving to where your partner is and finding opportunities there. It's just one option. You should do what's best for YOU.

I have a corporate job I hate that makes me work most weekends and I cry in the bathroom most days
feel like hope is too dangerous a feeling to have
I rely heavily on alcohol and nicotine to get me through the week

All of these say 'too' unhappy. I have felt similar about work - when I had a job that made me cry I took it as a sign I needed to leave.

I hope you can find a new path soon, you definitely don't have to continue with something that makes you cry regularly.

Awww. OP. As I’m 40-something now, I have it on good authority to give some unwanted advice.
I’ve been in horrible jobs where I was meant to be a corporate high flyer but I was miserable af. Honestly, it’s not worth it. No “career” is worth your mental health. It took me 2 years to recover and I aged a decade in that time. Move jobs. I know it’s easier said than done in the current climate but look for it. Are you bound to this country? Are you adventurous? Would you think finding a job overseas might give you a fresh perspective?
Is your relationship fulfilling? Can you manage with lack of love and support on daily basis? Some can, I don’t.
This past year has been hard on all of us so give yourself a break too.
I spend my 20’s living my best life. I was traveling with work, dated some very eligible bachelors, partied, worked hard and played even harder, etc.
You have another 30 years of working life, is that what you want?

Hi OP, I'm 26 and can relate to your post. My first job at 22 was horrible - crying in the bathrooms, dreading it everyday. Stuck it out for a year for the CV and moved to a different organisation. I reasoned with myself that I would see how that went and if I didn't like it I would leave London and go back to my parents or similar to re-evaluate. I thought maybe I just wasn't compatible with city and corporate life.

Luckily that second organisation was wonderful and made me realise it wasn't me in the first job, it was the working environment that was totally incompatible to me. Agree with PP, sounds like it's the job. Get that sorted and I think you'll feel much better.

Also remember that in their 20s most people are muddling along doing things they weren't planning to and then perhaps the 'dream' job comes along. Try not to worry too much about being on a right path, life is too short to sacrifice your everyday right now for some potential fantasy life in the future.

I hope that's helpful. Hang in there, it's such a tricky time!! X

Also just to say - I moved jobs in august, and have only ever WFH which has been totally fine. Plus I hear the job market it picking up now too. So I think take a look around and see what else is out there for you x

I'm mid-40s and my 20s were a really happy time. I did marry young and thankfully it worked out well. I was just getting to know my industry and career and it was all pretty good.

I think the way you're describing your job sounds like it's more than the usual level of stress and unhappiness. I would start the ball rolling on finding a new job. Even if the market isn't great, it doesn't hurt to start looking and get into the mindset that things could be better soon.

My 20s were great.
My job was like yours - at times too many hours. But there was only really one period of 2 years where the hours got really bad and it pushed me to move to a different job I loved.

Read Jordan B Peterson's 12 Rules book OP. That'll sort you out.

OP I don't think this has anything to do with your age.
Being this miserable at any stage of life in not acceptable.
Crying in the toilets ever day is not worth any job.
You can park your hopes and ambitions until you get yourself into a better state of mind.
With a steady optimistic emotional landscape anything is possible.
But trying to forge ahead with your goals while you are feeling this way will not be the best thing for you right now.
Your main priority is to tackle your mental health.
If your job is the main sticking point then could you take sick leave.
Take a few weeks or months to invest in some serious self care so you can feel emotionally strong again.
If that is not an issue then it is always an option to resign.
You are young, presumably no children, your CV can take a gap.
Maybe then think about whether this whole corporate environment is for you.
I worked in a high power job for several years, jessting off to San Francisco and Paris frequently for meetings, big expense account, huge salary, bonuses, brand new big cars, taking important people to lunch , corporate events, dinners etc.
Everyone around me thought I had an amazing lifestyle, a dazzling career.
Truth is I was a wreck. The pressure of the job was enormous, big targets, back biting, toxic company politics.
My anxiety was through the roof, I hated the travel, I disliked the job.
I was drinking too much, started smoking, taking sleeping tablets and anti depressants the whole time.
I stayed too long in the job because my friends and family thought I was living an amazing life, I didn't want to let them down, didn;t want to let myself down.
But ultimately I threw in the towel.
It was all too much.
The relief was amazing.
I have a brand new direction doing something I love. Work makes me happy and I wake in the morning with an enthusiastic and optimistic outlook towards my day.
My life is not perfect and it still rains, but overall good.
Don't settle for a miserable existance OP.

I have had one job like the one you are describing and got out as soon as I could (within 6 months). I wouldn’t have left without another job to go to but I put all my time and energy into finding something else outside work hours. Your whole life is dominated by work. It will make such a difference to be somewhere more fun and fulfilling. And the level of sadness you are describing is definitely not average or to be ignored.

Thank you everyone for your kindness and advice. It is helping me recalibrate.

This isn't my dream job and with the unpaid overtime I'm making under minimum wage, so the only thing holding me is fear of risk and the gap on my CV.

It's good to know that this is not what I should expect from a job.

I'm under some pressure from my long distance boyfriend to join him, and I want to, though it would mean no job and a visitor's visa.

Thank you again for the support and personal stories.

I found my early 20s when I first starting out in the world of work quite a a difficult time; I felt like I didn’t quite know how I was supposed to act as I wasn’t a young student any more but I think was still finding my way at work. I had a very stressful job but I did like it. What helped me was some CBT to develop better coping mechanisms with stress and learning how to look after myself while working a lot (eating well, exercise etc). It does sound a bit different to you though as you say you hate your job and I think that’s what you need to think about more

Op you need a new job! It is not okay for any job to be causing this level of stress and worry. You are young, and have many many options.

How serious are you with the boyfriend? I wouldn't be moving anywhere that didn't allow for me to be financially independent, you risk your career and finances if you are giving up everything to be with him. Suggest he comes here instead, or maybe start looking for someone new? This is a decision for you, but I would not be sacrificing my life and career for anyone, particularly without the security of marriage and finances.

You have the most important things in life, good health, a loving family and friends. Just a few tweaks and you could be much happier.

You definitely need a new job, and I would suggest you focus on that. Also the big thing is I strongly recommend you don’t make any decisions to move to live with your boyfriend until you are in a happier place. If you get a new job you love and you STILL feel that on balance you want to move, fine. But don’t move now - it won’t fix things and you will be taking yourself away from your support network. It is a recipe for disaster.

I cannot stress enough. Get a new job. I have learnt the hard way that a job is only good if it’s serving you. So at times, I’ve put up with jobs I disliked for a whole because they served me. Making you that unhappy is no serving you.

Can you afford to hand in your notice and reevaluate? Good luck op. Life is too short to struggle so much.

Not normal.

I was you in my twenties. Very unhappy deep down although life on the surface seemed brilliant I hated my job. I self medicated with alcohol, food and fags.

I made big changes in my 30's and am now pretty happy in my 40's.

Looking back I think I should have got off the treadmill a lot earlier. In your twenties you can do mad things like go and live in other countries. Go for new jobs.

Go for it.

I left home at 18 for uni, quite a fun and independent person with a sensible boyfriend (1 hr flight away).
I was doing a fairly pressured course but found it hard to apply myself. In the 3rd year I went through what can only be described as a 4 month break up and cried every day for about 6 months, I wasn’t sad all the time and finished my studies and did an internship in the summer. At the end of this I stopped crying. I had a few 3-4 month relationships in the next 4 years.
At the end of my course I went into a job where you could do 50 - 90 hour weeks, days/ nights / weekends and quite stressful nature of work and expected to be studying somewhat also. The main feature of my life 23 - 29 was changing workplaces/ moving house to pursue work. It was always clear from everyone around me that at this stage I should be prioritising work and I did (although did make use holidays etc) work made it hard to go to regular clubs and keep in good contact with people. I was lucky to meet DH at 25 as he is a calm person and has been great support. Work also increased in responsibility and exams in this time.

Now 40 work is important (don’t regret my job) but have 4 DC, never do a 90+ hour week! Wonder what I did with my time then. However I think I missed some life experiences and am now trying to connect to a place (after so many years moving house).

I feel sad a few days a month, I cry about once a month. Overall I enjoy somethings about every day, somethings are stressful or sad but I can rationalise them. I laugh every day.

You have to focus on the positive things in life
You have a boyfriend (whom you love presumably) and you'll see him within the next year.
You have a job - lots of people work hideous hours in their first roles so that they can climb the ladder. Is there an end in sight? If not, there are plenty of jobs out there, look for wosmethung else.

I hope you can find your spirit to leave this job OP.

Why not go and VISIT your boyfriend? I do wonder about this 'some pressure' though. Is this a good sign? Anyway - arrange a visit. But don't arrange a long-term move yet. Keep your options open and make choices that really work for YOU.