How Unhappy is Normal

[ThePriceOfSugar]

In every life some rain falls. I certainly don't expect happiness and fulfilment all the time, but how much unhappiness is normal in everyday life?

My example: I'm 23. I have nice friends and a loving family whom I see regularly. But my boyfriend is 13,000km away and I haven't seen him in 7 months, and I have a corporate job I hate that makes me work most weekends and I cry in the bathroom most days. Last weekend I attended a mentoring event and got really upset that I have lost interest in my previous dreams and ambitions and feel like hope is too dangerous a feeling to have.
I rely heavily on alcohol and nicotine to get me through the week.

How were your 20s?

It’s not normal to have panic attacks from a job. That’s not sustainable. I understand it’s a difficult job market out there but there’s no harm in looking to see what else is available. What job would you want to do if you could?

What were your interests and passions that you feel you’ve lost?

You’re still really young so there’s loads of time to retrain, change jobs, take on new experiences.

My early 20s were awful, I was a young single mum, in a job that I hated, I also used to cry in the toilet most days and was also relying heavily on alcohol and nicotine. I was drinking about 2 bottles of wine every single night and going to work every morning where I was completely miserable, my mind was completely fucked up and I constantly walked about with this knot in my stomach with no idea how to solve it other than to drink myself into oblivion.

I'm only 29 now so still in my 20's...just. But I honestly think your brain changed between the ages of 25-27, those were my biggest growth years. I started to realise what was important, and a job that would replace me in a second certainly was not. My daughter is who is important and I knew I wasn't serving her drinking every night due to stress.

So I quit my job and re entered education. I'm in my 3rd year at uni now and planning to go on and do my masters in a completely different field. I am so happy and content now it is such a lovely feeling, I no longer have that knot in my stomach and my life is generally stress free. I will never let another job impact my mental health or well being. I would rather be on benefits struggling and happy than in a job that makes me ill. That's definitely the biggest thing I've learned since then is that my happiness is paramount and above everything else and that may sound selfish but I really don't care. I've been to the pits of despair and I couldn't survive it again.

I really really do think there is a physical shift in the brain in mid twenties. I look back and don't even think the same way now as I did in my early 20s and I definitely had existential crisis and lots of difficulties I had to work through mid twenties but I feel like I had to go through that in order to be as content as I am today. But to me it felt like my brain moving from a kind of childlike, naïveté thinking to adult thinking. Hard to explain and sure I sound like a loony.

You aren't giving us much info to work with - tell us a bit more about yourself, uni? what job do you do now? what are you qualified in? what do you want to be?

then some very knowledgeable MN'ers might be able to suggest maybe a sideways step, and then the two next jobs promotions, the next 2 jobs to aim for - maybe help you think about things you haven't thought about before professionally, and this will give you so much satisfaction, thus allowing the other areas of your life to blossom as well.

I was going to ask how old you are. I think teen and early twenties are really difficult.
For me, life got much better from around 25 so hold on a bit!

I'm early 40s now and wondering if peri or menopause is going to take me back to those earlier hormonal times.

At 23, working most weekends at a job you hate is "too unhappy". At any age, crying in the bathroom most days, feeling afraid to hope, having panic attacks, relying an alcohol and nicotine - each one of these by itself is "too unhappy" and taken all together you are very unhappy indeed. Not saying everything will sudeenly become perfect but step by step things can become a lot happier for you than they are!

Do you really want to join your boyfriend abroad? Would it help, or just create new problems? I can understand that you might not want to be dependent on him right now. Do either he, or your lovely family, have any idea just how badly you feel? Do they know about any of the things you have listed - the panic attacks, crying, alcohol etc? Or have you felt unable to puncture their illusions by telling them?

And you asked about my early 20s - first I was having fun at university, then enjoying my new job. Not corporate, technical. Corporate long hours and low wage sounds like the worst of all worlds to me!

My 20s were fab, year or two at work, thought ‘sod this’ and went to uni for 4 years, then couple more years work in London enjoying club land etc, then went abroad for a 12month contract and stayed 10 years. Absolutely wonderful.

If you’re miserable at a time in your life when you’re supposed to be having fun, and stressing in a way that’s more appropriate for someone in their 40s with kids etc, then make some changes.

You’ll never be this free again...

Thanks again for the advice and stories!

I wanted to be a diplomat and studied to MA level for it. Was rejected twice so took this job in tech consulting. I have built quite a good network of diplomatic contacts in the 18 months since I was last rejected.

I'm not sure if I still want this as my main desire is just not to do this job. I've been advised that the ministry likes candidates with overseas experience of all kinds, which is fuelling my desire to quit consulting, go see my boyfriend and "see what happens".

I went straight to uni from school at 17, then straight to postgrad and straight to work, so straying from the beaten path is new and scary to me.

It sounds like it's time for your 'gap year' then!

You need to leave OP. As a pp said it doesn’t matter what age you are crying every day over work is not normal.

I had a job I hated in my 20’s but at least it meant I could afford my own house, go out every weekend, have holidays abroad etc. What are the benefits of your current job?

I quit after 10 years as I hated it so much, went travelling then came back and got a job in a completely new line of work.

I am early 40’s now and would say now is the best time for you to change jobs in terms of no ties to anything/any area by the sound of it.

Make a plan, start saving for when you resign 👍