Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

I’m not sure if my partner is the ‘one’.

46 replies

ImJustNotSure · 11/04/2021 19:52

What is the one? What is love?

I don’t know why I’m feeling this way, it may be lockdown but I’m just feeling a bit ‘meh’ about him.

He’s talking a lot about marriage and our future. But I don’t feel particularly excited. I do want kids, that’s for certain, but the whole ‘finding the one for ever’ just seems a bit scary.

OP posts:

OrangeRug · 11/04/2021 19:55

As cheesy as it sounds...I think it's true that when you meet the one "you just know". That was the case for me anyway. We've had our ups and downs but he's the only one ever never had any doubts about.

Danidandan · 11/04/2021 20:04

Relationships go through 'lull' periods. As the old saying goes 'you just know,' and it's so true. I've been with my husband 8 years, married for 18 months. There's less exciting phases at times, and then months of 'I can't keep my hands off you' and everything in between. I used to think love was all exciting, cloud 9 'honeymoon' period type thing. I've quickly learnt it's that, at times, and also hard and something you have to work at. But I wouldn't change him for the world.

In short, you just 'know' even if it may not seem it at the time. That's my view anyway :)

katy1213 · 11/04/2021 20:09

If you feel 'meh' about him now, do the man a favour and walk away. Before you have a child with him.

EmeraldShamrock · 11/04/2021 20:12

If you're feeling like this he probably isn't the one.
Listen to your instinct your gut feeling.

DenisetheMenace · 11/04/2021 20:13

He isn’t the one, you’ll know.

mumsiedarlingrevolta · 11/04/2021 20:14

how old are you OP?

how long have you been together?

It sounds like you know you need to cut your losses here and move on but are hesitating.

You know it's not right-trust your gut

Shoxfordian · 11/04/2021 20:15

If you don’t feel excited about marrying him then don’t do it

Allwokedup · 11/04/2021 20:15

If you don’t have kids and you’re already feeling Meh from lockdown then no he’s not the one. We have kids, lockdown has been very testing and I think I’m closer to him than I was before. Lockdown pulled us together.

hellcatspangle · 11/04/2021 20:18

How long have you been together? If you're feeling like this at quite an early stage, it's probably time to move on.

WeekendCEO · 11/04/2021 20:20

I don’t think he’s the one from what you’ve said. Don’t settle is my advice.

HeddaGarbled · 11/04/2021 20:20

Think about this logically. How many million people are there in the world? If there was only ‘one’ for you, the chances of you meeting them are so small, the population would die out.

There are lots of possible satisfactory mates for you. Your current partner may not be one of them, but don’t get hooked on the unrealistic idea that there is only one possibility.

One of the best descriptions of a romantic partner I’ve heard was ‘a friend you’re sexually attracted to’.

FireflyRainbow · 11/04/2021 20:20

When you meet the one there is no doubt.

Garlia · 11/04/2021 20:32

I don't agree with 'the one' - I adore my DH and we are such a great team, together 15 years now. I definitely had doubts at times that I wanted to be with him forever but that's normal in long term relationships.

Good years, hard years; the fact you make it through is testament to a relationship - not unfailing 'knowing' they're the one.

ghostyslovesheets · 11/04/2021 20:35

I am not sure there is a 'one' but I know when I met my (now ex) DH it just felt different - I did just know - I was relaxed, happy, liked how I was with him and how we were together and I looked forward to our future - no doubts

CurlyhairedAssassin · 11/04/2021 20:43

Ok, easy one to answer, OP. How old are you, how long have you been together?

I started seeing DH when I was 23, he was a year older. At that age, it was full on butterflies when I was catching the bus to meet up for a date, goosebumps when he touched me on the leg, hours and hours passed so quickly when we were on our first few dates, similar stories about backgrounds and life's dreams, even down to bucket list holiday destinations etc etc. I knew he was "the one" within a few weeks. I think he did too - it was full on puppy dog eyes and I'm nowt special to look at really!

The point is, we just went together perfectly.

We have now been together over 20 years, 2 kids together. It is DIFFERENT now. There is a deeper comfortable love, and no longer a frisson of shivery "oooh" if he accidentally brushes my leg. This is understandable, we have been through life events together, like labour, bereavement etc.

If god forbid I was suddenly single at this age (mid 40s) then my view of what would constitute "the one" would be vastly different to what it was in my 20s. I would be looking for attraction, yes, but also compatibility, companionship, and stability. And looking to see how he treated ex-wives, children etc.

So, a lot depends on where you are in life.....

wandawombat · 11/04/2021 20:46

I have "the one". You will know. Don't settle as I think that's when it's hard work.

Sn0tnose · 11/04/2021 20:47

I think that when you meet someone and they’re talking about spending the rest of your lives together, feeling ‘meh’ is probably a sign that you’re not meant to be together. I mean, you could probably give it a go and you might rub along quite nicely, but a spouse needs to be more than a housemate you have children with.

Candyfloss99 · 11/04/2021 20:48

If you don't know then he's not the one. Please don't settle for him.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 11/04/2021 20:49

One of the best descriptions of a romantic partner I’ve heard was ‘a friend you’re sexually attracted to’.

Yes, Hedda! That's it! I've also heard people say that if you're in a crowded pub and the person that walks in that would make you most pleased to see them, above ANYONE else, even after the initial passionate bit has worn off, over your mum, sister, best friend etc - if that person is your boyfriend/girlfriend then they're a keeper.

It's a good rule of thumb, I think.

notagainmummy · 11/04/2021 20:50

I felt I had met 'the one'. 5 years down the line I realised he was abusive and manipulative and a liar. So I'm not convinced about the 'knowing instinctively' People saying they knew he was the one, were lucky. Everyone marrying the person they fell in love with isn't right because the divorce statistics wouldn't be so high, yet one the day they feel its right.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 11/04/2021 20:52

If you don't know then he's not the one. Please don't settle for him.

Totally depends on age. Biological clock running out and you know they would make a fantastic partner and parent, and you see eye to eye on important stuff like politics and child rearing etc and they are also looking at it from a pragmatic point of view - I can see that being a good match.

On the other hand if you are both 30 and they are all doe-eyed thinking you are the be all and end all and it's not reciprocated then you're heading into problems further down the line I redkon.

Sammiesnake · 11/04/2021 20:55

I’m another who’s married to “the one”. It’s actually very simple, you know when you meet them.

Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 11/04/2021 20:55

Don't think it's about finding someone you can live with, more about someone you can't live without.
Dh drives me mad sometimes but l couldn't be without him and l always knew that, whereas ex of 11 years l knew wasn't the one.
Call it a day op x

Aquamarine1029 · 11/04/2021 20:55

Your instincts are telling you something isn't quite right, and I implore you not to ignore it. Settling will be the biggest mistake you'll ever make. Such half-hearted feelings will never go the distance.

Tal45 · 11/04/2021 21:00

The problem IMO is that who you think is 'the one' might not think you're the one, or they might be taking you for a ride or pretending to be lovely while treating you like crap behind your back. I really don't believe in 'the one' or soul mates or anything like that. All you can do I think is find someone who makes you happy, that you can really communicate with and who has a similar outlook on life. There are no guarantees and there are likely to be some major ups and downs so you need someone who you believe will have your back and not look elsewhere at the first sign of an issue.

Relationships are not always exciting but you've got to want to put the work in. If you don't want to do that then do him a favour and let him go.

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread