Page 2 | I’m not sure if my partner is the ‘one’.

ImJustNotSure · 2021-04-11T18:52:41+00:00

What is the one? What is love? I don’t know why I’m feeling this way, it may be lockdown but I’m just feeling a bit ‘meh’ about him. He’s talking a lot about marriage and our future. But I don’t feel particularly excited. I do want kids, that’s for certain, but the whole ‘finding the one for ever’ just seems a bit scary.

therocinante · 11/04/2021 21:09

Listen to your gut.

I just knew after a few months with DH. Not necessarily in a big firework way - the way I thought you'd know - just a deep, in my bones good feeling that he was a good man who I would always want to be around.

And I was right. Sometimes it's been very very very hard through life stuff thrown at us but I'm still happy to get home to him every day. And I knew that years ago, early on.

chesteroo · 11/04/2021 21:16

Have you been binge watching 'The One' on Netflix?

Goblin74 · 11/04/2021 21:17

I left my first boyfriend because I felt like this. I wanted marriage, kids, to travel...but I just knew I didn't want to do it with him and everytime I thought about it, my heart just sank.

I'm SO glad I left him. I met my now husband 5 months later and we've been together nearly 11 years. It sounds ridiculously cheesey but it felt very right from the beginning and I knew I wanted to do all that stuff with him

LemonRoses · 11/04/2021 21:20

Is there ‘the one’? I’m pretty sure I could have married one of several young men and both been entirely happy with an enduring marriage. I made my choice, made my commitment and we’ve been together a very long time now, but it could have been someone else just as easily.

I think ‘ the one’ is the person you choose to enter a lifetime commitment with and who you work together with, through all of life’s challenges.

pepsicolagirl · 11/04/2021 21:27

@CurlyhairedAssassin

Ok, easy one to answer, OP. How old are you, how long have you been together?

I started seeing DH when I was 23, he was a year older. At that age, it was full on butterflies when I was catching the bus to meet up for a date, goosebumps when he touched me on the leg, hours and hours passed so quickly when we were on our first few dates, similar stories about backgrounds and life's dreams, even down to bucket list holiday destinations etc etc. I knew he was "the one" within a few weeks. I think he did too - it was full on puppy dog eyes and I'm nowt special to look at really!

The point is, we just went together perfectly.

We have now been together over 20 years, 2 kids together. It is DIFFERENT now. There is a deeper comfortable love, and no longer a frisson of shivery "oooh" if he accidentally brushes my leg. This is understandable, we have been through life events together, like labour, bereavement etc.

If god forbid I was suddenly single at this age (mid 40s) then my view of what would constitute "the one" would be vastly different to what it was in my 20s. I would be looking for attraction, yes, but also compatibility, companionship, and stability. And looking to see how he treated ex-wives, children etc.

So, a lot depends on where you are in life.....

Very sensible advice in my opinion (also 20 years into a relationship)

InTheNightWeWillWish · 11/04/2021 21:29

I don’t believe in ‘the one’. The probability that there is just one perfect person in the world for you is so hard to comprehend. What happens if you don’t meet them? What happens if they live in Australia and don’t want to leave but you don’t want to leave your different home country)? What happens for those that are widowed early in life? I also don’t think it works when one partner changes significantly due to serious illness, bereavement, addition or mental health problems.

I think there is a compatibility. On the worst days, can you tolerate your partner? Are his annoyances something than you can just roll your eyes at and accept because the rest of the package is so compatible with you or do they want to make you tear your hair out? Long term relationship aren’t constant highs. Love changes over time. It ebbs and flows. You will get those feelings of being in love, then it will transition to something deeper, then back to in love.

I’ve been with my husband since I was 20, we’ve been together for 11 years. It was a case of both had dated a bunch of other people and so when we landed on something good it clicked. We’d both had a relationship before, both were bad relationships that had lasted just less than a year but we weren’t experienced in dating. We’re compatible. There might be someone who is more compatible with me other areas but they’ll likely be less compatible in other areas. We don’t know our relationship is going to last. What we do know, is that we’ve been through a lot of different scenarios and sometimes we aren’t as close due to life stresses but neither of our annoyances are making the other pull their hair out. For me, I find that we can grow distant without dates and spending quality time together. We’ve both been working from home every day for the last year but we fell into the trap of not spending quality time together. I’m still desperate for a date out of the house and just to get out of our bubble but making sure we’re spending some time that isn’t housework, work or the sodding daily walk has been really important. I would probably try having a date somewhere and seeing if you feel less ‘meh’ about him.

Sleepisoverrated150 · 11/04/2021 21:30

Argh I hate the phrase the one. There isn’t such a thing IMO, the probability of two people on this whole earth having only one soul mate?

Out if 7.6 billion people, yeah Bob down the pub was your soul mate and you just happen to be similar ages / speak the same language etc. And be in the pub at the same time.

I think there is multiple people you are compatible with, some more than others. I am happily married and at the beginning of our relationship I would over think it but deep down he makes me a better person. He brings out the best in me and I love spending time with him. I don’t think he is the one but I am more than happy to live out the rest of my life by his side.

SimonJT · 11/04/2021 21:31

Finding the idea of marriage etc a bit scary is fine, but the meh bit does suggest he isn’t the person you should be marrying.

I know I have found the ‘one’ (well, I don’t think the one really exists, otherwise we’d never find them) because of simple things, I feel safe around him, I can be myself all the time, if he is irritating me I can tell him (as he can me) without worrying he’ll be angry etc, if I’m worried, upset, stressed etc I can tell him and feel supported and listened to, we have a similar outlook on family, finances etc. After our first date I told my cat I was going to marry him, I wasn’t wrong, I am in 13 days.

Laiste · 11/04/2021 21:37

If it's right it feels right. (it feels amazing. it's worth waiting for)

If it feels wrong it's going to feel worse being married.

QueenOfTheDoubleWide · 11/04/2021 21:48

@Garlia

I don't agree with 'the one' - I adore my DH and we are such a great team, together 15 years now. I definitely had doubts at times that I wanted to be with him forever but that's normal in long term relationships.

Good years, hard years; the fact you make it through is testament to a relationship - not unfailing 'knowing' they're the one.

I agree with this.
I thought I had met "the one" back in my younger days but we broke up and then I met DH who was far more sensible and steady but didn't set off those fireworks. We have been together many years, 4 children, been through a lot and we are still a good team. With hindsight the one I thought was "the one" would have been an absolute disaster

Echobelly · 11/04/2021 21:52

Do you believe there is a 'One'?

I'm not a great believer in The One, I can't say I thought DH is It as such, but I also knew there weren't all that many people I'd want to be with, and in nearly 20 years together I can't say I've come across anyone I'd rather be with.

I also don't think I'd ever want to be with someone I couldn't live without, but that might just be me, I know a lot of people are like 'I'd be totally lost/wouldn't know how to live without my DH' but I'd personally hate to feel that way. I'm a bit weird like that, though!

JaceLancs · 11/04/2021 21:54

I felt instantly he was the one - we moved in together - then bought a house - married and had two lovely DC
Then he cheated on me with my best friend (7 year itch later)
At least I felt it and had it even for a short period - if you are not feeling it now look elsewhere

HeadNorth · 11/04/2021 21:57

Don't settle - you are not married with kids yet and he is not igniting you. Honestly I think you need a spark at the beginning or there is nothing worth rekindling through the hard times. I wanted to marry my DH so much, it was all I cared about. We have weathered 30 years and so many ups and downs - I wouldn't have bothered if I hadn't been that bothered to start with.

WeekendCEO · 11/04/2021 21:58

After our first date I told my cat I was going to marry him, I wasn’t wrong, I am in 13 days.

🤣 I love that you told your cat. 🤣 Congratulations.

Crunchymum · 11/04/2021 22:09

"The one" may be overrated (or even a social idealism) but you know the depth and extent of your feelings.

I spent 4 years with a good man. A man who adored me, a man who would have been safe and given me a stable and warm future. I never had a moment of passion with him though.

My DP and I have been together 15 years. He drives me nuts, I don't even know of we'll end up together 'forever' but I know that at some point I'd have worn his skin (metaphorically of course) as I wanted to be that close to him. I don't feel that way now and a lot of water aka houses, pets, kids has passed under the bridge but I know that want / need / longing for him was there. It doesn't burn that way now but it did.

We are older, fatter, tired and worn down in a multitude of ways but those feelings were the basis of our life together and it can never be unwritten.

blueshoes · 11/04/2021 22:23

@CurlyhairedAssassin

Ok, easy one to answer, OP. How old are you, how long have you been together?

I started seeing DH when I was 23, he was a year older. At that age, it was full on butterflies when I was catching the bus to meet up for a date, goosebumps when he touched me on the leg, hours and hours passed so quickly when we were on our first few dates, similar stories about backgrounds and life's dreams, even down to bucket list holiday destinations etc etc. I knew he was "the one" within a few weeks. I think he did too - it was full on puppy dog eyes and I'm nowt special to look at really!

The point is, we just went together perfectly.

We have now been together over 20 years, 2 kids together. It is DIFFERENT now. There is a deeper comfortable love, and no longer a frisson of shivery "oooh" if he accidentally brushes my leg. This is understandable, we have been through life events together, like labour, bereavement etc.

If god forbid I was suddenly single at this age (mid 40s) then my view of what would constitute "the one" would be vastly different to what it was in my 20s. I would be looking for attraction, yes, but also compatibility, companionship, and stability. And looking to see how he treated ex-wives, children etc.

So, a lot depends on where you are in life.....

I also agree with this. I married later at 34 and had quite a few boyfriends prior to meeting my dh.

The person I would have married at 25 is different from the person I married at 34. I am glad I waited. It would have been much more intense and Romeo and Juliet at 25 but it would not have been the more level headed right choice for the long term.

Macncheeseballs · 11/04/2021 22:25

Surely we all have several 'the ones'

Hankunamatata · 11/04/2021 22:25

I think some people find the one, some people have great love. The majority of us find someone compatible, hopefully grow together, build a life and develop the love that comes with trusting and caring for each other over time

blueshoes · 11/04/2021 22:25

@CurlyhairedAssassin

One of the best descriptions of a romantic partner I’ve heard was ‘a friend you’re sexually attracted to’.

Yes, Hedda! That's it! I've also heard people say that if you're in a crowded pub and the person that walks in that would make you most pleased to see them, above ANYONE else, even after the initial passionate bit has worn off, over your mum, sister, best friend etc - if that person is your boyfriend/girlfriend then they're a keeper.

It's a good rule of thumb, I think.

Totally agree with this.

Fundamentally, you have to enjoy having this person around and have sex with them. If he gives you the ick, it is not going to work.

CounsellorTroi · 11/04/2021 22:35

After our first date I told my cat I was going to marry him, I wasn’t wrong, I am in 13 days.

Congratulations to you and your cat, I hope you'll be very happy together!

lynsey91 · 11/04/2021 22:39

I met DH when I was 25 and he was 23. We got on so well on our first date and had a lot in common.

We saw each other every day after that first date even if it was only for half an hour (DH worked shifts then and we would meet up when he could so for breakfast or lunch or an hour or so in the evening).

We got married 5 months after we met. I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him and he felt the same about me. We have been married 40 very happy years and are still very much in love.

We are definitely best friends as well as husband and wife and lovers. I would rather spend time with him than anyone else. Spending so much time together in lockdown has been great and has made DH decide to cut back on work. He is self employed so can do that and I don't work.