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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to go to his grandparents

32 replies

Tulipsandrose · 11/04/2021 12:06

Dh is close with his grandparents which is lovely!! I honestly do love his relationship he has with them, just shows his caring side.

So I'm not disputing that at all. Also i really like his grandparents too they're so sweet.

But.

He goes there alot.... like ALOT few times a week. Both days on weekends sometimes, and sometimes its just a pop in visit but i dont want to go that much.

I don't see my own parents that much. (And they're his grandparents)

Today he wants to go after we just went a couple of days ago and i really cannot be bothered. I said can i just stay back and he said he wants me to come, probably as it may make me look rude for not going i guess?

I just don't feel like i should have to go as much as he does.

Do i sound like a child or is there some sense to this?

OP posts:
growinggreyer · 11/04/2021 12:10

No, it is a lovely day and you have things you need to do. I expect he wants you there because you will act like social glue, keeping the conversation going etc. If you do end up going, take notice how much you are expected to do the work of keeping the visit enjoyable and how much he contributes.

Original poster
Tulipsandrose · 11/04/2021 12:11

@growinggreyer haha thats so true!! And i totally am the conversation saver. I will watch out for it

OP posts:
katy1213 · 11/04/2021 12:11

If you dropped in once a month, that would be lovely.

Original poster
Tulipsandrose · 11/04/2021 12:12

@katy1213 why cant you be his nan

OP posts:
Beeme29 · 11/04/2021 12:13

Just let your dp go alone. It’s lovely your dp wants to spend so much time with them but I don’t think it’s necessary that you have to go each time. He can just tell that your using the time to spend some time by yourself or running some errands. I am sure they will not be offended op! 💕

toffeebutterpopcorn · 11/04/2021 12:14

Why does he want/need you there? It’s nice that he wants to drop in (does he help with shopping, gardening etc?) but it’s a big ask to expect you to also want to drop in several times a week (unless they are poorly or need help).

Amelia666 · 11/04/2021 12:15

Surely he can visit them as much as he wants but there shouldn’t be an obligation for you to go with him every time. It wouldn’t be rude if he sometimes goes by himself.

Can you say you’re busy or that when he’s out it’ll give you a chance to do and to send them your love etc?

billy1966 · 11/04/2021 12:16

Why on earth would you want to visit so much?
Perfectly ok if he wants to but not that you feel forced to tag along.

If he sulks, take a good hard look at him.

Is he controlling?

Tell him NO and mean it.

Flowers
katy1213 · 11/04/2021 12:16

Thanks for that! Now I feel ancient. Still, if he'd like to come round and do a bit of gardening?

DontGoIntoTheLongGrass · 11/04/2021 12:16

You sound like my sil. She's lovely but my brother is constantly at my grandparents. Our parents live close too so they all go there for coffee multiple times a day. I can sympathise. I have thankfully gotten out of going now more than once a year Grin

StCharlotte · 11/04/2021 12:16

Oh God no - this would drive me mad! We've been visiting MIL (very local) more often recently as she needed some help after a stay in hospital. It's calmed down a bit now but DH still pops in most days after work. I'll go one day at the weekend.

I would have no qualms in telling DH if I didn't want to go though and I think you need to put your foot down. If he thinks it's rude tell him to grow up.

LindaEllen · 11/04/2021 12:22

No - I go to see my parents and grandparents quite a lot. My partner comes with me on special occasions like birthdays or if they're cooking a meal rather than just us dropping in, or if he happens to feel like it, but I never put pressure on him. They're my family, and as much as they like him, it is me they want to see not him!

Original poster
Tulipsandrose · 11/04/2021 12:38

@katy1213 hahaha when i said that i thought oh god hope she doesnt think im calling her old.

Lol if only

OP posts:
Original poster
Tulipsandrose · 11/04/2021 12:43

No he isn't controlling or anything like that, its more just "id prefer if you came"

I do feel bad as they are fully abled so its not like i have to do anything, i suppose it could be worse having grandparents that needed a lot of care etc so i don't want to sound like a mean cow.

The problem is if i make something up then i have to do it. When the reality is i just want to do some washing and cook dinner in peace without being rushed

OP posts:
Pesimistic · 11/04/2021 12:49

@Tulipsandrose

No he isn't controlling or anything like that, its more just "id prefer if you came"

I do feel bad as they are fully abled so its not like i have to do anything, i suppose it could be worse having grandparents that needed a lot of care etc so i don't want to sound like a mean cow.

The problem is if i make something up then i have to do it. When the reality is i just want to do some washing and cook dinner in peace without being rushed

Just say that 'I'm going to stay here and do.some washing and cook the dinner for later' let him go and see them on his own
growinggreyer · 11/04/2021 12:49

if i make something up then i have to do it

Can you reflect on this a little more? Why not say the truth, that you are tired and you just want to get your chores done and spend the rest of the day resting.

growinggreyer · 11/04/2021 12:51

PS I am definitely on your side because my first husband would do an awful thing of getting me into the car with the promise of going somewhere and then he would detour to visit his Nan. It made me rage inside but I was too young and shy to tell him. In the end, the marriage broke up because of things like this.

moochingtothepub · 11/04/2021 12:54

Is he providing care for them, perhaps without them realising, cleaning, changing sheets etc because they don't want to admit that they need help? If he's got grandparents I'm guessing they are elderly. We ended up having to spend every other weekend with exh's grandparents, travelling after work on Fridays because they needed the help, his grandmother wasn't comfortable with men doing personal care either. Other relatives did other days.

Whether it's reasonable is down to circumstances, but I would be dropping food off daily to dp's mum if we lived closer, I feel bad we can't do more

ineedaholidaynow · 11/04/2021 12:55

How old are they?

Once COVID restrictions are out of the way do they have their own social life etc

Ragwort · 11/04/2021 13:12

I personally think it's odd that so many couples/families do so much together - but I am sure many people think I am odd as I see no reason to be joined to my DH at the hip and actually prefer to spend lots of time apart Grin. It's not that he doesn't like them, he often does practical things for them ... but no need for endless social visits.
I frequently visit my elderly DPs alone, I wouldn't dream of dragging my DH along .... equally he does lots of things alone without me.

I do think it's very 'needy' to expect to do everything together.

billy1966 · 11/04/2021 15:37

OP,

He is controlling if you can't say No without an excuse.

I would call that extremely controlling.

Try it.

Just say No.if he queries it, just say I just don't want to.
If he has difficulty accepting that then he is controlling.

You are adult.
You are allowed to say No to things and NOT be questioned.

If you are being questioned, it indicates an unhealthy relationship.

Flowers
Winterwoollies · 11/04/2021 15:41

Fuck that. Why does he demand you go? What does he do if you dig your heels in and say no? Does he then try to manipulate you into going by saying you’ll seem rude/they’ll be upset/he sulks etc?

Winterwoollies · 11/04/2021 15:42

Also, how old are they/he?

Pretenditsaplan · 11/04/2021 15:46

Hes not your parent or your jailer. They are not your obligation. Use you adult words and say no. Keep saying no unless you want to go.

KoalaOok · 11/04/2021 15:48

I had an ex like that. His family were really nice but they weren't my family. And it felt like I was being expect to be "on" and chatty while he just sat there occasionally joining in. I compromised in the end by going 2 weeks out of 4 but even that felt too much.

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