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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hen party

28 replies

Mumto3thatsme · 10/04/2021 22:19

So best friend is getting married later this year.
Her hen party that was arranged for last year has now been transferred to this summer and due to various reasons 2 people have pulled out.
I offered the places to 2 old school friends, it’s a full day of activities then a more relaxed evening, accommodation is sorted too.
Both friends were excited to participate.
I left it a few days and sent a message to them both saying that although both places were already paid for, how would they feel about paying the £100 to pay back those that couldn’t come...they’ve ghosted me...awkward...aibu to have suggested that?

OP posts:
TheZeppo · 10/04/2021 22:36

Ouch- did they know they were second tier when you asked them?

I think it all depend on how you phrased it at the start!

FireflyRainbow · 10/04/2021 22:37

Yes YABU op.

Goingtogetflamed · 10/04/2021 22:38

Did they know the cost when you first mentioned it to them? It’s a bit odd not to have done. Agree with pp that you need to give a bit more info about the communication.

HarrietHardy · 10/04/2021 22:40

Yeah. Who said what to who, and how?

SnackSizeRaisin · 10/04/2021 22:42

You should have been up front about costs and the situation when you invited them. It's rude to ask someone to pay after they've accepted an invitation, especially if they were only asked to make up numbers.

CoRhona · 10/04/2021 22:42

Yes, YABVU. You should have said from the beginning if you'd wanted them to pay anything, I hate it when people do this.

SnackSizeRaisin · 10/04/2021 22:44

Suggest contacting them again saying sorry for springing the cost onto them

MeanyJoany · 10/04/2021 22:44

That was definitely something that should have been mentioned from the start.

Are they invited to the wedding?

KoalaOok · 10/04/2021 22:45

Did they know they were 2nd choice to go?
Why didn't you say upfront about the cost when you invited them!

KoalaOok · 10/04/2021 22:45

Its like you're trying to put them in an awkward position to force them to pay

Pupster21 · 10/04/2021 22:46

Did they know before that they were only invited to recoup costs for the drop outs?

arethereanyleftatall · 10/04/2021 22:46

What you've essentially said to them is
'You two weren't good enough friends to be initially invited, but two people have pulled out so we need you to come to make up the costs.'

1Morewineplease · 10/04/2021 22:46

Oh I wish that these bloody expensive hen parties would end. They cause more trouble than they're worth. Everyone by the bride seems to find them awkward and expensive.
I'm not surprised that the 'also rans' have ghosted.
Yes they ought to pay but , in all honesty, why should they? They're filling gaps and they know it.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 10/04/2021 22:47

That wouldn’t go down well with me, whoops you were second choice and oh btw here’s the cost. I would retract the payment suggestion

Returnoftheowl · 10/04/2021 22:54

Like others have asked... Did you mention the cost when you invited them and do they know they are second tier guests?

Original poster
Mumto3thatsme · 10/04/2021 23:07

They’re school friends we’ve recently reacquainted with. Yes they knew places had become available due to changes in circumstances.

Looks like I’ve cocked this up

OP posts:
HarrietHardy · 10/04/2021 23:11

But what did you actually say to them, @Mumto3thatsme?

Goingtogetflamed · 10/04/2021 23:14

“Places had become available due to changes in circumstances” means they know they were 2nd choice.

It would help people to help you if you explained what has been said.

onemorerose · 10/04/2021 23:19

If no one took these places who would pay for them? It does look you are only inviting them to recoup some of the costs?

Original poster
Mumto3thatsme · 10/04/2021 23:25

Had previously discussed what the day would involve, where the accommodation would be etc.
Then few days later along the lines of

Hate to mention money, but the events had cost £100 which had already been paid for but how did they feel about contributing so I could get some money back to those that couldn’t make it...

Eurgh, didn’t mean to cause offence, was just trying to see if I could get back some money for those not attending

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumto3thatsme · 10/04/2021 23:26

@onemorerose

If no one took these places who would pay for them? It does look you are only inviting them to recoup some of the costs?
The people who couldn’t make it were fine that they had lost their money whatever, it was all on me trying to get something back for them
OP posts:
Summersun2020 · 10/04/2021 23:28

I think you e slightly cocked up but it’s come from a good place Flowers if it helps, I’d have offered the money before you had to ask-I think they’ve actually been a bit rude to assume it was a freebie.

PuzzleMonkeyMum · 10/04/2021 23:29

I had something similar, my friend invited me to a night away for her sisters hen do (on the day 🙄) and said ‘someone has dropped out. It’s a hotel, spa weekend etc do you fancy it’. I was a skint single parent who just happened to be child free for the first time in months so jumped at it. She then replied saying that’s great, can you transfer the £250 to my sister 😮😮😮. So I obviously said no. The place went unfilled and her sister lost her money.

So yeah, I’d be a bit offended to be honest. The people who can’t go knew they’d lose the money if they dropped out and if you’d have texted me I would probably just ignore too or reply saying I can’t make it now

PuzzleMonkeyMum · 10/04/2021 23:31

And for a further example, a girl I met at uni was getting married. Her hen do was all arranged before I’d even met her but a couple of weeks before someone dropped out. She asked me if I wanted to come and said the hotel/train was all paid for already so wouldn’t cost anything. I was busy so couldn’t make it but if she’d then asked me for money I’d think she was just asking me to recoup the money.

Aquamarine1029 · 10/04/2021 23:50

Oh dear.