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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Would you continue to help this person?

37 replies

Happytohelp1 · 10/04/2021 22:17

Back in 2019, Person A asked, in an online group, for help with a job application (she was new to the career.) I didn’t know her but responded to her post. I helped her with her application and she ended up getting the job.

For the last two years since she got the job, she messages me about once a month, sometimes more, with job related questions, asking for my opinion on things or how I would do something, how I would judge something. I have tried to suggest she would be better off asking someone in her workplace but she says her colleagues are unapproachable.

She only ever messages me when she wants something and often doesn’t even respond if I’m unable to help/ don’t give her the answer she wants. Very rarely get a thank you.

She messages me through FB messenger, so cannot read her message without it showing as read. I don’t like to leave it unread as it constantly shows that I have 1 unread message.

It’s in my nature to help others, so if anyone asks for a favour I’ll always go out of to way to help, although people do tell me I should say no to people as often I’ll say yes to something even when it’s not really convenient for me.

AIBU to not want to continue helping her? If not, what do I do? Just not respond? I don’t want to upset her! 🙈

YABU - you should continue to help her.

YANBU - you shouldn’t have to continue helping her.

OP posts:

Macncheeseballs · 10/04/2021 22:20

I think she sees you as a mentor but she doesn't sound terribly grateful or graceful so no, don't continue

MrsDukeOfHastings · 10/04/2021 22:21

Just tell her politely what you said here and say you don't want to be helping her out anymore as she comes across ungrateful.

BakedTattie · 10/04/2021 22:22

Nah. Block and forget.

Heatherjayne1972 · 10/04/2021 22:23

Just be too busy or conveniently ‘not know’ the answer
Tell her to ask X in Y office

crazyritenow · 10/04/2021 22:24

It seems people take advantage of helpful people. I feel you've done enough.

eatsleepread · 10/04/2021 22:24

You have been so, so kind OP. I'd have been bending over backwards to thank you, and try to pay it back in some way. However, she sounds like a complete taker!
I'd message her saying that you were happy to help her in getting the job, but now that she has, you're going to bow out and let her get on with it.

Notquitesureaboutthis · 10/04/2021 22:25

If she was at least thankful I'd say it would be nice to continue to help her providing it isn't inconveniencing you. However I would stop due to her ungratefulness.

crazyritenow · 10/04/2021 22:26

It's especially noticeable when those sort of friends only take and never give back.

Fyredraca · 10/04/2021 22:26

Just mute her and only check for messages periodically. Then it's too late by the time you get round to reading them.
The problem is you have been instantly responding in the past.
Be too busy. She will get the idea.

FireflyRainbow · 10/04/2021 22:27

I'd just block her 😆

Sunbird24 · 10/04/2021 22:28

She’s not even a friend of yours, just someone you happen to be in an online group with and were kind enough to help with a job application?
Try the message eatsleepread suggested and if she doesn’t back off just block her. You don’t owe her any more support, and she really needs to start figuring this stuff out on her own!

Rainbowqueeen · 10/04/2021 22:32

If she treats the people in her office the same way she treats you then no wonder she sees them as unapproachable!
I’d message her and say you don’t have time to be her mentor. Is there a professional organisation she can approach to find a mentor? If so then suggest she does that. Otherwise just wish her well

Freshair85 · 10/04/2021 22:33

Also on Facebook messenger you can swipe and delete the message so your inbox will be clear and it won't show to her you've read the message

drpet49 · 10/04/2021 22:34

* For the last two years since she got the job, she messages me about once a month, sometimes more, with job related questions, asking for my opinion on things or how I would do something, how I would judge something.*

^She sounds incompetent. 2 years and she still can’t figure it out for herself.

You are being a complete doormat OP. This woman isn’t even your friend.

alexdgr8 · 10/04/2021 22:35

he probably has a whole stable of people whom she uses for services.
you are agonising over whether and how you can ease out of this role.
do you think she is agonising over asking you.
no.
it's nothing to her. just a means to an end. like opening a packet to get at the goods, discarding the wrapping.
she wants the goods; professional input advice.
you are the wrapper, discarded without a thought.
yet you don't want to upset her. boot. foot.
listen to your friends' advice. block and move on.

Eslteacher06 · 10/04/2021 22:36

Yes... swipe the message...I have done that if I'm not ready to respond.

Or, block her. It's not like she will turn up on your doorstep?

SnackSizeRaisin · 10/04/2021 22:36

Sounds like you've been more than generous already! Just send one more message saying sorry you can't help her but wish her well for the future. Then don't reply to any further messages. Either block her or delete them as they arrive.

1Morewineplease · 10/04/2021 22:37

She got the job, therefore, she has moved on. You are not her mentor, counsellor, guru or whatever.
She is using you.
Block and move on. She's on her own now so stop letting her leach off you.

VenusTiger · 10/04/2021 22:38

If you find it difficult to say 'no', simply say 'I haven't a clue/I don't know/google it'.

2bazookas · 10/04/2021 22:39

Just politely say " I have a lot on my plate just now so won't have time to help you at work. Please respect this and don't contact me on FB."

You don't owe her anything and she has no claim on you. It's fine to say no and mean it.

ClarkeGriffin · 10/04/2021 22:39

If she treats the people in her office the same way she treats you then no wonder she sees them as unapproachable!

Haha this.

As someone else said too, she's been in the job for 2 years, how does she still suck? How stupid is she?

I'd tell her that since she cannot say thank you ever, it's no wonder her colleagues won't help her, and that if she's still struggling with her job after so long then maybe she should look for something more suited for her. Then block her.

katy1213 · 10/04/2021 22:42

Block or ignore. It doesn't matter what she thinks. a) she's got no manners and b) you don't even know her.

memberofthewedding · 10/04/2021 23:01

What others have said, send message saying you cannot help further, block and move on.

Ive had people like this in the past and got caught in the trap. Once you go down the road of helping them some people will suck the life out of you like vampires. The longer it goes on the more difficult it is to disengage from them because of the guilt factor. You are doing no favors by allowing her to parasite on you. She will never grow in the job (or any other job) while you are there to do it for her.

Norwaydidnthappen · 10/04/2021 23:08

I don’t use messenger but on WhatsApp you can swipe and delete or archive the message without reading it so I’m sure messenger will have a similar feature? Just do that or block her all together.

Cherrysoup · 10/04/2021 23:14

Block her, you owe her nothing.

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