Page 2 | Would you continue to help this person?

GladysTheGroovyMule · 10/04/2021 23:18

I’d leave her on read if you can’t help/simply don’t feel like it that particular time. She’s a rude bitch anyway for not ever bothering to say thank you when you have helped her.

Hadalifeonce · 10/04/2021 23:21

I would just respond with 'sorry can't help'.
Repeat everytime, she should get the message.

Coving · 10/04/2021 23:24

In the nicest possible way, OP, you should change your ‘nature’ if it means you continually bustle about advising or worrying about not responding immediately to someone who thinks you’re a sort of workplace Alexa and can’t even be bothered to reply because she’s moved on to the next victim.

HalzTangz · 11/04/2021 00:24

@Happytohelp1

Back in 2019, Person A asked, in an online group, for help with a job application (she was new to the career.) I didn’t know her but responded to her post. I helped her with her application and she ended up getting the job.

For the last two years since she got the job, she messages me about once a month, sometimes more, with job related questions, asking for my opinion on things or how I would do something, how I would judge something. I have tried to suggest she would be better off asking someone in her workplace but she says her colleagues are unapproachable.

She only ever messages me when she wants something and often doesn’t even respond if I’m unable to help/ don’t give her the answer she wants. Very rarely get a thank you.

She messages me through FB messenger, so cannot read her message without it showing as read. I don’t like to leave it unread as it constantly shows that I have 1 unread message.

It’s in my nature to help others, so if anyone asks for a favour I’ll always go out of to way to help, although people do tell me I should say no to people as often I’ll say yes to something even when it’s not really convenient for me.

AIBU to not want to continue helping her? If not, what do I do? Just not respond? I don’t want to upset her! 🙈

YABU - you should continue to help her.

YANBU - you shouldn’t have to continue helping her.

Just block her, problem solved

Creamcustards · 11/04/2021 00:37

I have been in a similar position myself OP.
I started leaving it a long time between messages (a week or more so sge was likely to need to get an answer / take action) before I got back to her. When I did reply, I would apologise for taking a while, I am very busy, life hectic at present, not sure of answer / be very vague.
Once you sttop being so useful the Qs may slow down, but if not you could say something like - gosh I’m sorry I haven’t got as much time to help these days, now you are becoming more experience you are asking big/complex questions - I really think you need to be having these chats with your manager / colleagues as I don’t feel I can be an adequate substitute ... something like that.

PrincessPea11 · 11/04/2021 01:22

Tbh I wouldn't mind being asked advice but I would mind the lack of manners, thanks etc and the not responding if you don't reply usefully. The least she should do when trying to build a networking/ mentoring relationship is show respect and gratitude for the help she is given and say 'thanks anyway' if you can't answer.

Either way, the frequency is rather high. Depending how much this is bothering you, I wouldn't particularly tell her to stop contacting you, just stop responding unless it suits you. Just ignore unless a question comes up that you feel like answering. Otherwise mute her and check in occasionally.

If you'd rather just get shut of her, I wouldn't feel bad about blocking. You've already helped a lot, you've never actually met (I assume from your OP) and she hasn't been gracious. Also if you cross paths professionally and it's mentioned, you could just say you thought she'd left facebook as you couldn't see her anymore. If not, for all she knows you've left FB.

I wouldn't advocate ghosting a partner or anything but she's taken the mick a bit and is essentially a stranger!

MeltsAway · 11/04/2021 10:35

AIBU to not want to continue helping her? If not, what do I do? Just not respond? I don’t want to upset her!

You've been super kind & helpful @Happytohelp1 And she has been rude and graceless. Other people may not be so kind in response to her behaviour.

So, before you stop helping her so much, the last helpful thing you could do wold be to point out that if she's receiving favours and mentoring, she needs to reciprocate, and use her manners - to say thank you, to stop only taking and not giving.

And that if she behaves in this way with others - particularly colleagues and/or assigned mentors in her actual workplace - they may judge/assess her accordingly.

So an email along these lines:

Dear Person A, I've been happy to help you so far, and I'm pleased that you're thriving in the post I advised you about. However, I think you really need to find a mentor in your workplace. Maybe you could discuss this in your next annual professional or performance review? And one last word of advice: I've noticed that you rarely contact me unless you need advice, and that when I have helped you, you have rarely thanked me or reciprocated. You tend to use me simply for your own needs. I've been happy to help, but others may not overlook your rather unmannerly behaviour. People like to help, but they don't like to be taken for granted, or used. You might reflect on this - maybe the reason you feel that people in your workplace are 'unapproachable' is because you don't offer them anything back. Maybe they see you as uncollegial? You get what you give in this life mostly, I've found. Best of luck in your future.

snackodactyl · 11/04/2021 10:43

She hasn’t shown much appreciation to warrant an explanation as to why you can’t continue to help her, so block away. I don’t use FB or Messenger, does blocking on one service mean she’ll be blocked on the other?

ColourfulElmerElephant · 11/04/2021 10:45

I’d just reply and say that you are too busy to be able to spend the time on it and either repeat that or just read and ignore future messages.

DaphneDuBois · 11/04/2021 17:31

You sound lovely and like you’ve done more than enough to help someone who 1) you owe nothing to; 2) who lacks gratitude; 3) shows no interest in you until she wants something; 4) ignores you after you’ve helped her.

Rather than feeling guilty at not replying, I think you should consider how you’ve gone above and beyond now for someone who isn’t particularly appreciative, and it’s now time for her to find someone else to get advice from.

I would do things on your terms now. Read the message so the annoying icon disappears, then delete it. Don’t reply. She frequently didn’t reply to you after you were kind enough to help her. Feel no guilt about it. Block her if you want to avoid her contacting you again.

QueQueQue · 11/04/2021 17:34

@MeltsAway

AIBU to not want to continue helping her? If not, what do I do? Just not respond? I don’t want to upset her!

You've been super kind & helpful @Happytohelp1 And she has been rude and graceless. Other people may not be so kind in response to her behaviour.

So, before you stop helping her so much, the last helpful thing you could do wold be to point out that if she's receiving favours and mentoring, she needs to reciprocate, and use her manners - to say thank you, to stop only taking and not giving.

And that if she behaves in this way with others - particularly colleagues and/or assigned mentors in her actual workplace - they may judge/assess her accordingly.

So an email along these lines:

Dear Person A, I've been happy to help you so far, and I'm pleased that you're thriving in the post I advised you about. However, I think you really need to find a mentor in your workplace. Maybe you could discuss this in your next annual professional or performance review? And one last word of advice: I've noticed that you rarely contact me unless you need advice, and that when I have helped you, you have rarely thanked me or reciprocated. You tend to use me simply for your own needs. I've been happy to help, but others may not overlook your rather unmannerly behaviour. People like to help, but they don't like to be taken for granted, or used. You might reflect on this - maybe the reason you feel that people in your workplace are 'unapproachable' is because you don't offer them anything back. Maybe they see you as uncollegial? You get what you give in this life mostly, I've found. Best of luck in your future.

This is perfect

osbertthesyrianhamster · 11/04/2021 17:35

I'd get rid of her.