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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my DN being rude?

64 replies

Kitfish · 10/04/2021 20:03

My DN gets married next week. She is 30 and, because of Covid restrictions, is having a small wedding. As a result I have not been invited. Fair enough and I fully understand. I wanted to show my love and support (and that I was OK about not being invited) and so sent her £200 as a wedding gift last week along with a card. She would have got this several days ago - but I am still waiting for any form of thank you or acknowledgement. It takes 30 seconds to send a text - and she is 30 not 13 so I would hope would know better.

AIBU to think this is rude - or should I expect to not be acknowledged yet (or at all)?

OP posts:
UrsulaBee · 10/04/2021 20:21

As others have said, she probably won’t have opened it yet.

ThrowingAShellstrop · 10/04/2021 20:21

Thankyou cards are sent after the wedding. May I suggest you stop sending gifts to get instant gratification. That way leads to petty disappointment.

1Morewineplease · 10/04/2021 20:21

She may well be waiting until after her wedding. It's quite normal.
Wait until a week or so after the honeymoon.

Amanduh · 10/04/2021 20:23

I wouldn’t have opened it yet. Or sent thank you cards. Are you sure she’s got it? I assume it’s recorded delivery. But as you’re sure, I’d definitely assume she wouldn’t open it yet.

littlepattilou · 10/04/2021 20:25

@Kitfish Wait, WHAT? You sent £200, actual cash money, in an envelope???

littlepattilou · 10/04/2021 20:25

@Kitfish I mean, like £200 cash money through the post???

TillyTopper · 10/04/2021 20:26

Thank you cards are usually sent after the wedding. If it was 6 weeks ago then YANBU, a few days ago YABU.

Sleepisoverrated150 · 10/04/2021 20:27

I wouldn’t have opened it yet. I would see it like a birthday card, you don’t open it before the day. I would assume you will get a thank you after the wedding day

CloudFormations · 10/04/2021 20:28

I expect she has nice thank you notes to send after the wedding. People often get them made up with a wedding photo when they have them.

WalkingMeAway · 10/04/2021 20:29

I also didn't open any cards/presents until after the wedding! That's very normal

Umbivalent · 10/04/2021 20:31

DN is running around, stressed, because even a small wedding can be stressful. And, you know, pandemic.

DN opens card. "Oh wow, Auntie Kitfish has sent us £200! How kind. We'll send a thank you after the wedding, when we do all the others, because so many people are sending us cards now, because they can't come to our actual wedding."

Meanwhile, Auntie Kitfish seethes that DN doesn't follow her prescribed schedule. And complains about her online.

Umbivalent · 10/04/2021 20:32

@CloudFormations

I expect she has nice thank you notes to send after the wedding. People often get them made up with a wedding photo when they have them.
That is exactly what I did. And, of course, so few people will actually see them get married that a photo will be even more important this year.
3CCC · 10/04/2021 20:32

You open cards after the wedding

You also send thank you cards after as well. So you can say:

Dear Auntie Kitfish

Thank you for the money, we are putting it towards the honeymoon fund . We had a lovely day and are so sorry you couldn't attend due to the current situation
Love and thanks again

Also note that the card might contain a photo of the couple so it might not be immediately after. Also it's common to wait till after the honeymoon has taken place

Yabu

TokyoSushi · 10/04/2021 20:33

Is it in the card? She's likely not opened it yet if it is!

MiddleParking · 10/04/2021 20:33

It’s lovely and super generous of you to send such a significant gift when they’ve had to cut the guest list, but I wouldn’t be wanting to add an admin task to a bride’s list the week before her wedding. Especially a thank you card - she’ll probably be planning to do them afterwards with a photo, which is completely customary and good manners. Writing thank you cards in dribs and drabs would be a pain and hard to keep track of compared to sitting down afterwards with your new husband, a bottle of wine (and if she’s anything like me, a spreadsheet) and writing them in a oner while reliving the wedding/appreciating people’s generosity.

KrisAkabusi · 10/04/2021 20:34

You'll probably be waiting at least another month! Wedding thank-yous are normally all sent out together, at some point after the couple comes back from honeymoon, unpacks and catches up with everything!

KetchupOnTheFloor · 10/04/2021 20:35

We didn't open anything until after our wedding. Wait until the wedding has actually happened.

We had a week between our wedding and our honeymoon giving us time to open all our gifts, write thank you cards and post them off.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 10/04/2021 20:39

I wouldnt have open any cards until at least the wedding day or after. Way, way too jinxy/unlucky to open and acknowledge before! A friends wedding fell through a couple of days beforehand, her fiancee got cold feet!

SquirtleSquad · 10/04/2021 20:42

I found all of the handwritten thank you letters I wrote to our guests in a bag under the front seat in DHs car when we sold it - the stupid fucker had put them in the footwell ready to send and they must have slid under and he forgot all about it. I could have killed him Angry

I'd definitely wait until after the wedding to moan though.

DappledThings · 10/04/2021 20:43

Yep, also going to say you are way ahead of yourself. Even if I had opened it before the day I'd still not be sending a thank you card till after the wedding. And I always send formal thank you cards, I never send a text thank you.

Ofallthethings · 10/04/2021 20:46

I think she'll send a thank you card after the wedding has taken place. I did them altogether when we were back from honeymoon. Be patient.

SaturdayRocks · 10/04/2021 20:48

Of course she should thank you for the very generous gift - YANBU on that front.

But it’s very unlikely that she has even opened it yet. And if she has opened it, she has probably added it to the gift list for, as is of course customary, a written thank you after the wedding and honeymoon.

Staffy1 · 10/04/2021 20:49

She may feel a bit awkward about acknowledging it until after the wedding as you haven't been invited, (even though there is a good reason for not inviting you, with number restrictions). Or it could be being kept aside to be read at the wedding, as absent friends cards often are.

Notaroadrunner · 10/04/2021 20:50

If you sent cash, can you text her to ask if the card arrived. I'd want to know if it arrived. If it was a cheque you'll see it leave your account so can assume she received it. If she still lives at home you could ask her parents if it arrived as they may have put it aside until the wedding.

DancingDunes · 10/04/2021 20:53

YABU not because you shouldn't be thanked but as many people said she probably hasn't opened it yet. Also I had matching thank you cards I sent out after the wedding so wouldn't send 2 as that may be even more odd. If you've not been thanked a couple of weeks after the wedding my answer will change.

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