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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Sister ignored pregnany

30 replies

Chrita · 10/04/2021 16:35

Not sure if I am being a princess or have reason to feel hurt.
Sister announced pregnancy nervously due to previous miscarriage, I was pleased for her and was in contact checking in with her to see how she was feeling etc. A few weeks later I also found out I was expecting and excitidely shared with her and our immediate family, expecting to be able to share the experience, but heard nothing back.
Another family member told me she was finding it difficult to cope with knowing I was pregnant in case I ended up with a baby and she didn't, but didn't communicate this herself, just ignored me. I then suffered a horrific miscarriage at 8 weeks. There was little communication from her about it. I've sent her a few messages offering her baby things and asking how she is getting on and get one worded, one sided replies.
Then out of the blue she contacts me telling me she was sending gender reveal cupcakes to my house.
I want to be happy for her but (and was before all this) I just feel a bit put out she has essentially ignored my situation (both the high of pregnancy, and low miscarriage) and don't feel like celebrating for her when she couldn't for me - AIBU?!

OP posts:

Cindy87 · 10/04/2021 16:41

I think you should talk to her about how you feel, you are totally right to be hurt by this. Shame she couldn't be happy for you but awful she couldn't console you when you had the loss.

Aquamarine1029 · 10/04/2021 16:43

You are not being unreasonable. Yes, your sister experienced a loss, but the way she has handled it with you, and how she has completely abandoned you during your time of need, is really awful of her. Her insensitivity is quite shocking. I'm assuming she has form for this.

Tinydinosaur · 10/04/2021 16:48

Yes she experienced a loss but that doesn't give her the right to be a dick.
I'm sorry for your miscarriage, she's treated you poorly and I think you need to tell her.

"That's lovely but I'm feeling a bit tender after my pregnancy ending so horribly and the lack of support or even acknowledgement from you so I don't feel able to get involved in your celebrations at the moment. Wishing you all the best with your pregnancy."

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 10/04/2021 16:50

I am not surprised you felt hurt. It's pretty insensitive to say nothing then go straight to talking about her gender reveal. Were you close before. Her experience of loss doesn't give her a pass on being kind and supportive to you. Sorry for your loss

ShortColdandGrey · 10/04/2021 16:50

Could she be petty enough to think you getting pregnant took the attention away from her? I am sorry for your loss.

FTEngineerM · 10/04/2021 16:52

YANBU, sorry for your loss. After being there herself I’m surprised there wasn’t more contact.

HeeeeeyBogie · 10/04/2021 16:52

Oh gosh. Her miscarriage must be worrying her but that doesn't trump the fact that you're suffering now. I would expect her to be more understanding, not less.
Yanbu

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 10/04/2021 16:54

Wow that's so horrible. I can understand her feeling nervous about your pregnancy (as if it might jinx hers or something - I can imagine illogical thoughts like that being common after a recent loss) but if she had suffered a loss it should make her more empathetic to you not less. To give her the benefit of the doubt maybe your loss triggered memories for her and she found it hard to deal with. But 1. Why didnt she just say this 2. It's not that hard to send a text to say she is thinking of you but will find it hard to speak about it and offer some support virtually if she couldn't face it in person.
But the cupcakes thing is just nasty to be honest, it doesnt take a genius to see that celebrating someone elses baby is the last thing you want to do if you've just lost your own.
I think you have to say something to her or message her as I don't think you will be able to forgive her otherwise. I think you need to ask her why she has been ignoring you and not giving you any of the love or support you gave her and say although you're still happy for her pregnancy, gender reveal celebrations are a bit much for you to cope with at the moment

Cuntryhouse · 10/04/2021 16:55

That would be it for me. What a selfish dick!

orangegina · 10/04/2021 16:55

Sorry for your loss. What a horrible situation to be in/

Gender reveal cupcakes? That's vulgar. Sorry. Especially given the circumstances. How insensitive and unnecessary

Felifox · 10/04/2021 16:57

Sorry for your loss, I'm surprised your sister has been unsupportive.

saoirse31 · 10/04/2021 16:57

I think you have a choice here, you can respond to her as some posters suggest or you can try and ensure you keep a good relationship with her, for the future. I wouldn't raise her lack of support till a while after her baby is born and all is well. She may be constantly on edge and worried about baby. It doesn't make her lack of support right, but it may help to explain it.

EL8888 · 10/04/2021 17:02

YANBU Sorry about your miscarriage. Your sister is being an insensitive dick. Does she have previous form for this? As an aside gender reveal cupcakes?! It’s interesting how she’s forgotten quickly how it feels to have a miscarriage and how sensitivity is appreciated.

I’m currently being bombarded with messages about the pregnancy of a couple we are friends who are pregnant. Not the best when we are doing IVF as we speak and our last attempt crashed and burned . They know all of this as well. Next time they start lm leaving the chat in a very abrupt pointed way

@Tinydinosaur yeah this. I think it’s a candid but calm response

AtrociousCircumstance · 10/04/2021 17:04

@Tinydinosaur

Yes she experienced a loss but that doesn't give her the right to be a dick. I'm sorry for your miscarriage, she's treated you poorly and I think you need to tell her.

This.

Sorry for your loss. Is your sister always a prick?

CharlotteRose90 · 10/04/2021 17:07

Neither of you are wrong. It sounds like your sister was terrified after her loss and when she found out you were both pregnant the worries came back that she’d lose it and you would have a successful pregnancy . The gender cupcakes is too much though. If you supported her after her loss she should be supporting you. I’m so sorry for your loss.

B33Fr33 · 10/04/2021 17:12

That she didn't communicate with you about how she's feeling and has now ignored your situation does seem to suggest she's very stuck in a place where it is all about her. Now that could be a result of her reaction to the miscarriage some sort of depressive state of mind; or she might just not be generally empathetic towards you. You might have an inkling based on your history. But it is affecting you now, when you've got enough going on that you don't need to be the one tasked with doing all the communicating.

I'm so sorry for your loss, I know it's very difficult. Be honest and a bit blunt, say you're excited to meet her child in time but, right now, you need time for just you and space from other people's live to adjust to the change in yours.

Lorw · 10/04/2021 17:14

I don’t think either of you are being unreasonable. Everyone deals with loss differently and I know that women do let it consume their lives when they get pregnant after a loss because they spend the whole pregnancy worrying, but she should have communicated that with you. She may be finding it hard to talk to you about your loss because that may just make her anxiety worse, so is just pretending that for everyone it’s normal and is being insensitive, no excuse for treating you poorly. Just talk to her, tell her how you feel and see what she says. I’m sorry about your loss 😞and hope you can repair your relationship.

OppsUpsSide · 10/04/2021 17:21

I was understanding until the cupcakes. WTF?!

GordonYaSelfishTwit · 10/04/2021 17:30

I thought this was going to be another thread about your sister having a miscarriage(s) and struggling to talk or be around you whilst you were pregnant and was ready to tell you to try to be understanding of her situation.

But I do think it's unkind that she isn't being there for you when she knows the heartbreak of miscarrying herself.

Could it be possible that she thinks you wouldn't want her around because she's pregnant? Probably a bit of a leap but just a thought.

GordonYaSelfishTwit · 10/04/2021 17:31

Either that or perhaps news of your miscarriage (I am sorry OP), has made her more anxious about her own pregnancy following her previous loss and she feels unable to talk to you about it through fear of it happening to her again?

GordonYaSelfishTwit · 10/04/2021 17:32

I think things like this can make you behave in strange and often what seem to others as illogical ways, but if she's usual nice and you have had a good relationship in the past, id assume there were more to it than her suddenly just being cruel.

Ohnomoreno · 10/04/2021 17:36

Well, I would say an eye for an eye makes the whole world blind. But then at least no one would see the cupcakes. Cringesome.

Squirrelinatree · 10/04/2021 17:37

I’m in a similar situation, sister pregnant (but hasn’t had a previous loss) and I found out I was pregnant too shortly after she did. I had a miscarriage at 10 weeks and since then communication has certainly been different than it would have been had I not been pregnant and suffered a loss but I can see my sister is trying to be sensitive to my situation and I am trying to show I am still thrilled for her. I would find the cupcakes extremely insensitive tbh but it’s something I could imagine my sister doing in her younger years, thankfully she has a bit more tact now. Sorry no advice but wanted to say sorry for your loss x

1Morewineplease · 10/04/2021 17:40

I'm so sorry for your loss. This scenario must be horrendous for you now.

I can't believe the gender reveal cupcakes thing... utterly insensitive and, sorry to say, utterly bonkers.

MumInBrussels · 10/04/2021 17:43

If I tried, I could perhaps think of reasons that might explain the crappy lack of support she's offered you. But I can't think of anything that justifies the cruelty of those cupcakes. What an absolute cow. I'm so sorry for your loss, and that you apparently have a self-centered bitch for a sister. Has she always been like this, or has pregnancy brought out the worst in her? Either way, I think I'd be lessening contact with her at least until the baby arrives, you don't need more of this shit to deal with.

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