To worry about post-lockdown meals with overweight family now I've lost weight.

[BagLadyy]

I'd written a VERY ramble post. So I'm going to pop that in the next comment to elaborate and make my point quicker in this first post.

--

I've lost a lot of weight over the past few months.

Anyone who has managed to lose weight despite a similar background (overweight - sugar/carb loving family) to me.

How do you deal with:

• the guilt that my family are going to be disappointed I'm not fat and self loathing anymore.

• the extra treats they'll try and force upon me.

• the huge meals that I know I'll be watched at to see what I'm taking. The comments when I don't eat things I used to.

--

I know it should be as simple as just saying I don't snack, fancy it etc etc.

But hoping there are others who have similar families.

[BagLadyy]

Here's the ramble part -

--

I'm hoping for some wise replies from people with similar families.

This lockdown I've really taken charge fir my health, fitness, diet and weight.

After a life of yo-yo dieting and being obese I'm now the healthiest I've ever been and really feel I've changed my attitude to food and fitness and health forever.

Great.

Except.

My family (haven't seen them since last summer) haven't. Doubt they ever will.

We're a big family of classic British overeaters - food is love - beige, sugary carb overload - twice as much as is needed because that's how we treat ourselves when we meet up etc etc.

I think part of me being able to do what I have is due to the break from the big meals and parties and BBQs etc.

Something about them not knowing I've lost the weight and been exercising has given me the freedom. In the past I've joined slimming groups which means mum/aunt/sisters etc have too. (We live a few hours away but me taking action would make them feel bad so they'd join in from afar) But then once one person gave in it was like everyone else did too. And I'd feel guilty if I didn't?

[superram]

I’m facing this too. I might have a little more but no snacking and no breakfast.

[SprogletsMum]

Just stay strong. Its surprisingly easy once you've got used to saying no thank you.
Be prepared for lots of comments about how you look far too thin etc etc
Well done you!

[LookAChicken]

My family don't care if you have it or not: more for them if you don't kind of thing.

In laws sound more like your family. I have a brother in law who just says no to all sweet stuff. It's taken years for the rest to stop offering though. Think his mother still might!

You just have to care more about your health and wishes than their feelings over rejected food. You can do it but you'll have to put it into practice over and over, from what I've seen.

[RaiseTheBeastie]

No weightloss will ever be sustained forever if you always deprive yourself.

So, assuming you enjoy it, have some of the beige, sugary, carb overload. But just a bit. Then stop and refuse any more with I'm full, I had a big lunch, no thank you etc.

I wouldn't mention the weight loss at all. Just thank people politely if they compliment you and try and remain casual and vague.

The only way people will watch what you eat is if you make a big deal out of your diet and weight loss.

[PurpleDaisies]

How often are you actually likely to be seeing them?

[sweeneytoddsrazor]

First and foremost always try and be kind to yourself. Remember you don't eat with them every meal, all your other meals can be healthy so a meal off track every now and again isn't going to do any harm. If you are having a party then dance. Its exercise, you can't eat whilst dancing, but are still having a good time. Choose to fill up on the best options, if you are cutting carbs eat 2 burgers and leave the buns.

[ThinkYouveHadTooMuch]

I sympathise, I really do, but please please don't go on about how much you've lost weight and changes to your life etc. There is honestly nothing more boring than a born again slim person!

[costco]

I’m not in the same position as my family don’t overeat at meals. In fact I used to have the opposite problem ,when I was a teenager my mother would comment on everything I ate, “why are you having bread, we’re about to have dinner/ you’ll get flat feet/ diabetes is terrible you know” and I weighed 65 kg at 165cms. As a child, I was terrified that she would find my stash of sweets. I shoplifted chocolate, and salted away chewy sweets under my mattress, like money, and snuck up to my room to “read my book”. It was all quite bonkers if I think about it.
Then went to boarding school and ate everything in sight. Gained two stone in a year, and it was hard to lose because that would have been giving in to my mother.
Long winded way of saying, it’s your body and you’re the only one who gets to decide what goes into it. Tell them that.

[OscarWildesCat]

I have a similar issue and the added issue of having cut right back on alcohol, one bottle of wine a week when it was previously at probably dangerous levels, with a family and friends who know me as a big drinker and are also big drinkers. Watching with interest. My DM can be quite dismissive of any attempts to be healthier/lose weight.

[thecatsthecats]

I agree that you need to game this. I know my in laws like sitting around and eating sugary carbs and factor that into my week. I know my super active parents live off fresh air and meagre sandwiches so take a little more.

I 100% appreciate what you say about willpower though. Most people who glibly advise using willpower don't understand that you're already using it day in day out, and some people are bloody determined to exhaust the last part with their offers of shitty food.

[thecatsthecats]

Oh and I tend to plan for one event off per week. Not a cheat day - I still exercise and eat well the rest of the day, but then don't worry about it when I'm at the event. If I have two events or more in a week, I just use my willpower for one rather than worrying about both.

[BagLadyy]

@ThinkYouveHadTooMuch

I sympathise, I really do, but please please don't go on about how much you've lost weight and changes to your life etc. There is honestly nothing more boring than a born again slim person!

I've not mentioned a thing to them. Nor anyone except DH.

And won't. Even once in person.

Hence the anonymous Mumsnet post.

In the past when I have lost weight (on WW/SW) and have discussed it they've always had to many ifs and buts to come back with. And I think that's some of the reason I've given in. I guess I'm still hardwired to believe what they're telling me.

I think the replies here about having what I fancy when it is a gathering are spot on. If we have a run of them being very frequent (often the case in summer) then I'll need to have a rethink maybe.

But now I've posted I think maybe if pushed I'll say it's all down to jogging and Joe Wicks and not mention food. As none of them exercise at all. So they won't want to join me, but if I can inspire them to try then that would be a real bonus.

[Cushionsnotpillows]

@RaiseTheBeastie The only way people will watch what you eat is if you make a big deal out of your diet and weight loss.

This isn't true. If you have ever dealt with toxic over feeders, you would know. They watch you like a hawk.

[Cocomarine]

If you feel guilty about it - go talk to a therapist.

For the rest - being around food, they offering food - keep in mind that it will get easier every time. I would recommend to always have a plan on what you’re going to eat. So if it’s a BBQ, make sure you’ve brought chicken and a bag of salad. If it’s a pizza night, don’t eat it all. Every time you say, “thanks - but I’ve had enough” you get better at it.

Possibly going back to the therapist... don’t try to push responsibility for YOUR eating onto them. I do understand that they don’t make it easy, through their actions, comments, or just the environment. But - ultimately it is your choice, and that’s something you have to accept.

[WallaceinAnderland]

Your family sound abusive if they just want to keep you fat and unhealthy to make themselves feel better.

Regarding this: 'After a life of yo-yo dieting and being obese I'm now the healthiest I've ever been and really feel I've changed my attitude to food and fitness and health forever.'

You also need to change your attitude towards your family and stop feeling guilty for being healthy. You should be very proud of yourself and I don't think for one minute that you should not mention it or downplay what you have achieved. You should tell them that you are happy now and you're going to maintain the lifestyle that you've chosen for yourself.

If they try to put you down just start seeing less and less of them.

[WorraLiberty]

don’t try to push responsibility for YOUR eating onto them

That's exactly what I was going to say.

You're responsible for what you put into your body and how much and nothing/no-one can change that.

OP, just tell them you're not hungry, stick to that line and leave it at that.

[BagLadyy]

[quote Cushionsnotpillows]@RaiseTheBeastie The only way people will watch what you eat is if you make a big deal out of your diet and weight loss.

This isn't true. If you have ever dealt with toxic over feeders, you would know. They watch you like a hawk. [/quote]
Glad someone else gets it.

Literally once they see me they'll stare at what I put on my plate.

And when it's meals that mum dishes out (which is every pudding and generally there are 3-5 on offer and people have more than one helping of more than one pudding and then she pours cream on top) she goes round everyone loudly asking who's having what.

Anyone who says no (often my DH and another BIL) she will check 2-3 times if they're sure. Do you want this instead? Cheese and biscuits? I have donuts in the kitchen. Etc etc.

It's not a case of no one knows or cares what you're having.

Everyone cares. That's what we talk about while we're eating it.

How bad it is for us but how good it tastes and how on Monday we'll just have soup and fruit.

Same every time. Forever.

[PurpleDaisies]

Maybe you could see them at a time when it’s not going to involve eating a full meal? Maybe mid afternoon coffee?

[WorraLiberty]

Anyone who says no (often my DH and another BIL) she will check 2-3 times if they're sure. Do you want this instead? Cheese and biscuits? I have donuts in the kitchen. Etc etc.

Mildly irritating but just keep repeating that you're fine and don't want anything.

[PurpleDaisies]

Anyone who says no (often my DH and another BIL) she will check 2-3 times if they're sure. Do you want this instead? Cheese and biscuits? I have donuts in the kitchen. Etc etc.

I would practice a polite but firm “the answer is still no. I don’t want it to become awkward so please stop asking me.” This works with my MIL.

[Lemons1571]

I’ve lost over five stone in 7 months. Only seen a few people since though, and had a few comments about how I’m shrinking and I don't need to lose any more (I do). I always give a big positive smile and reply “oh my gp is working with me to arrive at BMI 22 which is right in the middle of the healthy range”. Another big smile. Then move the conversation on. It takes the wind out of most sails.

I’d do a similar version with a difficult entwined family. It sounds like they all need each other’s validation that it’s ok to stay obese. They’re in company and they’re safe. I’d keep smiling and repeating that your gp is monitoring and is very happy with progress.

I’d also refuse fattening food and wouldn’t feel at all bad about it. I’d eat the most low calorie thing on offer and only a small amount of it.

I think this is more about your family’s codependency on each other, with food being the focus, tbh.

[stackemhigh]

the guilt that my family are going to be disappointed I'm not fat and self loathing anymore.

No one should make you feel like that, OP. Their behaviour would spur me on to stick to my healthy diet.

And I don't know why posters have turned this around on YOU making sure you're not going on about being slim, I didn't get the impression you would do that at all.

[MrsAudreyShapiro]

Everyone cares. That's what we talk about while we're eating it.

My DP's family are like this. DP lost a lot of weight and it was a real struggle. They even do it to me. I don't find it so difficult because I don't have the same FOG about it as DP.

DP's approach is to plan ahead, both about what to eat and what to say when offered food. It does get easier to say 'no thanks' the more you do it.

[Notagain20]

I understand this and have experienced it too. Not nice and not easy, my family respond as though I'm rejecting them just because I no longer eat like them. Ridiculous and frustrating, but they get used to it over time if you hold firm and stick to your decision to eat how you want to. You're sort of managing their expectations, they will likely sulk and make snarky comments at first, but if you don't rise to it at all it wears off.

A phrase I've found really helpful is just to say "no thanks, I don't know why but I've lost my sweet tooth lately" or "my appetite seems to have shrunk recently, no idea why". Neither of these things are particularly true in my case! But it takes the emphasis off me choosing to do something different to them and makes it just "something that's happened to me, nowt I can do about it, I'm as mystified as you, guv". Nothing for anyone to get narky about!

Also have some conversation changers up your sleeve, preferably nice and controversial so everyone gets stuck into chuntering about that instead of your food choices

Good luck, and enjoy your good health!