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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Sneaky 18-year-old.

31 replies

HenDo999 · 10/04/2021 11:13

There’s quite a backstory and it’s an unusual set up.

An 18-year-old family member has moved in with us, after her dad essentially made her life as uncomfortable as possible. She’s came from a life of abuse and dysfunction. She’s got no education but she’s got herself a job that she’s saving up for driving lessons etc.

I’m really close with her and would say that we’re more like friends than anything else. I thought I didn’t need to ‘lay down the law’ or to be tough as I thought she would just respect that I’ve stuck my neck out for her - there’s nowhere else for her to go if I kick her out apart from probably being borderline groomed by her dodgy male friends.

Anyho, I’ve told her to make herself at home, and I don’t mind her friends coming over as long as I’ve let them (that brings it currently to two female friends).

She had a few people over last weekend and smoked weed in the garden/out the window. Our dog was running around with a condom rapper. We know that she had people over as she stupidly told one of my friends. The condom rapper has confirmed it. The other night I said her room stank of weed and she completely denied it. She’s told me in the past that she rarely smokes it - more of a festival thing these days.

My partner thinks we should lay down the law and go hard on her - we should make her explain her movements, who’s been over, why she’s having sex with random guys etc. Our rules or the highway.

I think I should just reiterate the rules - explain why I don’t want people coming over, I don’t want my house stinking of weed/being anti social to the neighbours etc.

I’m really not good at confrontation and I really didn’t think she was going to be this difficult (but like all other teenagers). I don’t want there to be an awkward atmosphere between us all.

OP posts:

ladywithnomanors · 10/04/2021 11:18

Have it out with her. Explain that if she wants to live with you then there are rules and if she wants to smoke pot she needs to do it elsewhere. The other option is that she moves out and gets her own place.

OneRingToRuleThemAll · 10/04/2021 11:18

Rules in your house - yes of course. Making her explain who, why and when she is having sex - it is literally none of your concern.

Cherrysoup · 10/04/2021 11:21

Dear god, why would you tolerate this? No to her mates coming over when you’re not there, no weed, no smoking. You can’t just let her rip.

Motnight · 10/04/2021 11:22

It sounds as though she needs someone to be less of a friend to her and more of a parent figure. Put rules in place.

It's none of your business who she is having sex with, but if you don't want her to have friends round then tell her this.

Pinchoftums · 10/04/2021 11:25

The weed smoking is the red line. Tell her if she wants to stay no smoking in the house. The sexis her business as she is an adult. Either no one in the house (if in UK it's against covid rules anyway so that's easy) or if you are happy to have them in she can have sex if she wants.

Original poster

HenDo999 · 10/04/2021 11:28

And sorry Wrapper* because the grammar police comes along.

The thing that holds me back from ‘parenting’ is that I know she’s just going to rebel against it. She’s never really been parented before hence why she comes with a hella lot of problems.

OP posts:

Motnight · 10/04/2021 11:31

I get what you are saying about her rebelling Op but she is in your house. There needs to be rules. It's not going to work otherwise.

Comefromaway · 10/04/2021 11:32

It’s not just parenting though is it?

If my child, or my mother or my cousin or my friend bought drugs into my house they’d be out, never to cross the threshold again.

And you get to say who comes into your house.

motheroreily · 10/04/2021 11:32

I think you're approach sounds good. Just explain she can't have people over unless you're there and she can't smoke weed in the house or garden.

She is 18 and and adult. She doesn't need to explain her movements or who she is having sex with but she does need to respect you and your home.

I think it's really good she's got a job and is saving for driving lessons. She's got a goal and is being productive despite her childhood. I

LagunaBubbles · 10/04/2021 11:38

This has disaster stamped all over it if you don't settle boundaries now, exactly the same if she was your own child.

Wellpark · 10/04/2021 11:46

You were too lax at the start. She hasn't had proper parenting and it is too much to expect her to act reasonably if you have not spelled out quite literally what it is that you want from her.
So now you have to be explicit and tell her what you want from her in terms of her behaviour in your home and what is unacceptable. If you have to write it like a contract or set of rules then so be it.
You must be prepared for the relationship to break down though. I'm sorry to say that but it's based on professional experience of working with young people with troubled backgrounds.

Mylovelyhorsee · 10/04/2021 12:05

I think there is something in between your husbands approach and your approach. It’s your house, you make the rules. You also must accept she’s 18 and if she doesn’t want to live by your rules she may leave. You can’t make your life miserable because you’re afraid of her leaving.

BiBabbles · 10/04/2021 12:24

There is a middle ground - it's too far much to expect an adult to explain every detail, but it's far too lax - especially for someone with a chaotic background as described - to just be expected to know your definition of respectful when it likely varies wildly from what's she had before.

At 17, I ended up having to not live with either parent and about a month into staying with who would months down the line be my in-laws, FIL-to-be and I had a massive row. This row was largely because both of us had trauma and dysfunction issues that were colliding. After multiple hours of me crying, kinda going round and round in my head that my parents didn't want me so why would this basically stranger and how broken I must be to not get this, we sat down, both of us talked it out and eventually hashed out what we needed from each other. There were still a few bumps along the way over the next couple of months I stayed there, but that chat about our experiences helped us see each other better and working out our boundaries with each other was invaluable as someone who'd never really had that modeled well in the real world.

Sunflowers095 · 10/04/2021 14:03

She needs a parent figure and someone who is firm but you can still be gentle.

It sounds like she's had a horrible time growing up from what you've said and she probably needs some unconditional love/acceptance.

I would explain why the rules are the rules and say you want her to stay but it's important to you that she follows the rules.

Saying "these are the rules or your out" is really harsh on someone who felt unwanted with their own birth parent. Good luck OP x

SunIsComing · 10/04/2021 14:37

She’s an 18 year loser at the moment so someone needs to parent her.

HarleyQuinn21 · 10/04/2021 14:40

Well the good news is she is using contraception, the rest I think you should explain the rules of the house and she has to respect that.

An0n0n0n · 10/04/2021 14:44

If a lack of parenting has led to problems then continuing the theme of notparenting won't be helpful in the long run.

I think you need to give her guidance or accept that she is making her own choices and let her meet the consequences of that - enabling her isn't helpful in the long run x

bloodyhell19 · 10/04/2021 14:51

Protect your home & your dog and lay down the law under your roof. She needs rules and structure. However you can't really get her to explain the whys and wherefores of her sex life, she is 18...

Hhusky · 10/04/2021 14:52

It's a tough one because with no solid patenting like you've said she is going to act out and test the boundaries. Sounds like she has stability for the first time ever.
I would absolutely have a solid conversation with her about the ground rules - you have every right to have no drugs in your house, and to set rules about respecting your property etc. And you and your partner absolutely must have a United front here. No good cop, bad cop. However in terms of the sex, she's 18. I don't think trying to police that is going to be useful (and to be honest it's good she's using condoms that shows she is being safe and taking responsibility for her sexual health).
I think it's a case of having a chat about ground rules and not making her feel unwanted or ashamed. Giving her responsibility and boundaries may be hard for her at first but I would imagine they will really help her.
You sound like a really good person taking her OP.

billy1966 · 10/04/2021 14:52

She is a very lucky 18 year old.

She is older enough to realise she is lucky.

You can't force her to appreciate what you are doing or value it.

What you can do is tell her calmly, the rules of your house.

She sounds very disrespectful of your home.

I would be wary of her.

I think you need to put your home and relationship first.

You are doing her no favours by saying she has never had rules imposed so she can't cope with them.

She has a choice, accept your rules to respect your home or move on.

Tough love perhaps but I would not be inflicting her weed on your home and neighbours.

PatsyJStone · 10/04/2021 15:36

Being a friend isn’t what a lot of young adults need these days, it’s the parental guidance.

I’d back track and set some very firm rules in place and stick to them. If she doesn’t stick to them then you may have a hard decision to make. She may not have had much guidance or be used to rules, but she can learn respect you and your family if she wants to. It will be her choice.

However if she already lying to you and breaking rules the next couple of weeks will be crucial to get things back on track and don’t take any more lies or unacceptable behaviour. She my never change.

Also you may need to accept that it’s a tougher job than you thought and you may not be able to be the person that turns her life around.

Having been in a very similar situation I know that you may go on for months with false promises and deceptive behaviour. Or you may challenge this and she may have to move on. There isn’t just yourself, there is your family, house, belongings and your day to day life to consider and protect.

Hankunamatata · 10/04/2021 15:40

If she wants to have sex then she is going to have sex. Surely better in safety of your house. As long as she isnt parading a string in and out. Remember she hasnt had any moral compass by the sound of it growing up.

I would draw the line at weed.

Hankunamatata · 10/04/2021 15:41

Perhaps make it a two way discussion about what she thinks are suitable rules

ceilingsand · 10/04/2021 18:04

It's cruel not to discuss the rules and spell them out. She can't possibly know, otherwise, especially if her background hasn't enabled her to see those sorts of things. In your haste to be likeable and to understandably make her feel comfortable, you've given her the wrong impression about what is ok.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 10/04/2021 18:14

You cant ask who or why she is having sex with. But you can explain why it's not acceptable to take drugs in your house or have people round who you haven't agreed to, and explain what the consequences will be if you find evidence that this has happened again (not if it has happened again but if you have evidence)

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