Sneaky 18-year-old.

[HenDo999]

There’s quite a backstory and it’s an unusual set up.

An 18-year-old family member has moved in with us, after her dad essentially made her life as uncomfortable as possible. She’s came from a life of abuse and dysfunction. She’s got no education but she’s got herself a job that she’s saving up for driving lessons etc.

I’m really close with her and would say that we’re more like friends than anything else. I thought I didn’t need to ‘lay down the law’ or to be tough as I thought she would just respect that I’ve stuck my neck out for her - there’s nowhere else for her to go if I kick her out apart from probably being borderline groomed by her dodgy male friends.

Anyho, I’ve told her to make herself at home, and I don’t mind her friends coming over as long as I’ve let them (that brings it currently to two female friends).

She had a few people over last weekend and smoked weed in the garden/out the window. Our dog was running around with a condom rapper. We know that she had people over as she stupidly told one of my friends. The condom rapper has confirmed it. The other night I said her room stank of weed and she completely denied it. She’s told me in the past that she rarely smokes it - more of a festival thing these days.

My partner thinks we should lay down the law and go hard on her - we should make her explain her movements, who’s been over, why she’s having sex with random guys etc. Our rules or the highway.

I think I should just reiterate the rules - explain why I don’t want people coming over, I don’t want my house stinking of weed/being anti social to the neighbours etc.

I’m really not good at confrontation and I really didn’t think she was going to be this difficult (but like all other teenagers). I don’t want there to be an awkward atmosphere between us all.

If you don't want to 'parent' her you need to 'landlady' her. No landlord would be happy with a lodger behaving as she is. She's holding down a job, presume you're taking rent from her and otherwise treating her as an adult? This is no different.

She needs a parent more than she needs a friend.

Bit unfair to suggest she’s having sex with random men when you don’t know who she’s having sex with. I don’t want to Covid police every thread - but I do think it’s relevant to general rule keeping. Is it allowed to have overnight visitors where you are? It’s also a “soft” way to approach it. That said, I do think an 18yo should be able to have (quiet!) sex in their own home.

I’d tell her zero tolerance on the weed though. Hell I’d be zero tolerance on regular cigarettes in my home!

Definitely set out the rules - no drugs in the house, you need to know if people are coming over/staying over etc. However at 18 who she is having sex with is not actually your business. Of course if she wants someone to stay overnight then you can of course say that means you need to be introduced first etc

@Pinchoftums

The weed smoking is the red line. Tell her if she wants to stay no smoking in the house. The sexis her business as she is an adult. Either no one in the house (if in UK it's against covid rules anyway so that's easy) or if you are happy to have them in she can have sex if she wants.

I was also going to say the sex is her business as I clicked the thread

But actually if you're bringing random guys round and leaving condom wrappers round my house then yes, OP gets a say in that especially as she's living rent free and living off her kindness

Absolutely no point in going in hard and telling her it’s your way or the highway. You know her background and the sort of things she’s experienced. How do you think growing up in that sort of environment would effect someone? If she has no education and has lived in abuse and dysfunction then she has no framework of how to behave in line with someone else’s rules. If she’s been neglected and left to raise herself she will have had to behave in a way that was more mature than her years so she won’t have possessed the emotional maturity to deal with everything. Coming from that sort of background, it’s highly unlikely that if you if sit her down and rage at her awful behaviour she’s going to have an epiphany and suddenly start following the rules. She’s more likely to shrug her shoulders and buggers off. One thing she’s probably learnt is that those closest to you hurt you the most so what’s the point? It’s a safety mechanism...push people away before they get the chance to hurt you so you’ve got some control.

That doesn’t mean you don’t have rules. You tell her what the rules are and what the consequences will be if she doesn’t follow them. Don’t let it turn into an argument because she has to engage and listen. If her behaviour isn’t acceptable then she can’t live with you so where will she live? How much is she paying in rent? She’s come from a shit background and has got a job with zero education, that’s amazing. She wants to learn to drive, use that to your advantage. She’s got gumption and drive so has got the tools needed to turn her life around but she’s going to have to do most of the work.

You’ve done an amazing thing by giving her this opportunity. Work out where your boundaries are, tell her what they are then stick to them. If she’s takes the piss then she has to leave, doesn’t mean she can’t move back in if she decides to follow the rules. She needs to learn how to behave and it may take her a while to work things out. Maybe have a look into early attachment/dysfunction/early lived experience etc as that will give you some insight into what you and she will be dealing with.

Tell her the rules for what happens under your roof (again and possibly again) and explain why , talk through possible consequences and what you're trying to avoid,why it's upsetting/bothering you etc.
Have a discussion, ask her what she thinks, does she have an opinion or any suggestions herself?

Do not start questioning her about who she's seeing, who she's having sex with etc. as that will just make her dig her heels in.

This girl has had a shit start in life and no parenting for years, everything you'd expect from a normal 18 yo (and even well raised 18 yos do this shit sometimes) doesn't apply as she's never learned it or observed it. You're starting from scratch.