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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Help!!! A nightmare sister

30 replies

EmilyAlice19 · 10/04/2021 10:53

I really don't know where to begin with this one so please bare with me!
I'm 24 and my sister is 26 despite being close in age and having similar hobbies we have never really been super close. I find her a little bit of a Jekyll and Hyde character - we have days where I think we are close and these days are fantastic and we get on well and then others (like today!) where I'm completely at my wits end and just feel like parting ways with her completely.
She has always been a feisty character - she definitely doesn't take any BS and this is something that I admire about her however her bad temper is and has caused huge problems especially over the past few years. I thought then when I bought my own house and moved out of my mums two years ago things would get better but in fact they have got worse.
Over the years family members have said that they believed she is jealous of me - I did not agree as I couldn't see what there was to be jealous of however after this past year I think they might be right. It feels like she never has a good word to say about me and that I can't do anything right. She regularly tells me 'I'm a waste of space, I'm an idiot, I'm thick, I only got my job because I 'sh*ed' my way to the top (completely not true!), I'm selfish, I'm pathetic. Although I know all of these things aren't true and the people closest to me know they aren't true I still cannot help but let it affect me. She has also physically attacked me, most recently pinning me to floor. She lives with my mum and it concerns me that my mum is around this negativity daily. However I am reluctant to visit my mum when my sister is there as it just seems to escalate into a bigger problem.
She is a complete control freak and tries to tell me how to live my life...right down to the point where she tells me when to do my cleaning in my own home!! We have sat down and tried to batter out our differences with different family members in the past but nothing seems to have worked. She will cry and seem remorseful but then fall back into her own ways. I do feel sorry for her because I feel like she does have issues however, she is a grown up and I believe she needs to want to help herself.
Has anyone got any advice or had a similar situation with a family member?

OP posts:

HildegardeCrowe · 10/04/2021 10:57

It sounds like she might have a personality disorder - sorry to say that and she would want to help herself which seems unlikely. What does your mum think?

notdaddycool · 10/04/2021 11:00

She may just need to grow up, when she has a job and a house she may be better. Also when you both have partners. I know sisters who grated but husbands became good friends and helped. Personally I’d try to keep the relationship ticking over, avoid arguments that will create permanent rifts and be there when her life milestones are more aligned to yours. Your successes probably remind her of her inadequacies.

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 10/04/2021 11:03

She's abusing you. It does occasionally happen between siblings though we tend to hear more about it in romantic relationships.

You can go NC no contact but given you've got family in common that might be tricky.

You can go LC low contact. You'll need to be prepared for flying monkies - she will send other people to try and reel you in. So read up on and practise grey rock techniques.

If she physically attacks you again I would report it to the police. So far she knows that she can pin you to the floor and get away with it. Dont let it get any further.

Also I would ask mnhq to move your post to relationships rather than aibu. You'll get more appropriate advice.

Osrie · 10/04/2021 11:09

It will probably only get worse I’ve. Save yourself. I tried to get others to agree help needed from outside the others still don’t agree and so it continues but we haven’t seen each other since the last abusive call years ago. The family still put up with it and claim no outside help needed.

SnuggyBuggy · 10/04/2021 11:13

Sounds like she's a very difficult person. If you want to have contact I think you need boundaries and to try to stick to situations where you are able to remove yourself if necessary. The pinning to the floor in particular sounded scary.

bishbashbosh99 · 10/04/2021 11:13

Lol personality disorder??? She's just a brat! Sorry OP but she's unlikely to change at this age. Distance yourself

Frownette · 10/04/2021 11:17

She might get better as she gets older but at the moment she's being awful and you need space from her. Her behaviour is very bad, sorry

Wellpark · 10/04/2021 11:38

Pinned you to the floor??!! Dont let her in your home! She sounds nuts and thoroughly unpleasant. I'm sorry you have been putting up with her. She is behaving like she's jealous in my opinion.

PumpkinPie2016 · 10/04/2021 11:44

Sorry OP but she sounds absolutely awful. If she were a teenager then it would be possible to think she may change but at 26, she is an adult and should, by now, know that this sort of behaviour is unacceptable.

In all honesty, I'd have reported her attacking me to the police, although I accept that may be hard for you.

What does your mum think? It may be that your sister does have some form of personality disorder, in which case, she needs help but she also has to accept she needs help.

I would go very low contact - perhaps see your mum somewhere else if you can.

Mylovelyhorsee · 10/04/2021 12:12

Cut her out.

frumpety · 10/04/2021 12:13

How do you react when

She regularly tells me 'I'm a waste of space, I'm an idiot, I'm thick, I only got my job because I 'sh*ed' my way to the top (completely not true!), I'm selfish, I'm pathetic. ?

Is she saying these things to your face or over SM or by phone or whatever ? If it's to your face , you walk away and leave, no comment just go. If its over SM, delete her, if its by phone block her. Don't give her the opportunity to say shitty things to you.

FrankskinnerscRoc · 10/04/2021 12:33

Walk away OP, it will never get any better. I was shocked & it didn't believe it when people kept saying that my sister was jealous of me. We used to get on so well, I'd've killed for her & died for her. Although nothing physical, probably because she knew that I'd wipe the floor with her. It was mental abuse, constantly putting me down, laughing at me rather than with me, trying to turn other family members against me ... If I said anything she's break down in tears like someone had died, oh she was bloody good! I realised that it would always be this way & decided to go NC, I don't regret it at all but I do feel so sorry for anyone who comes into contact with her.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 10/04/2021 13:13

I agree this is abuse. Calling you names, getting physical with you, trying to control what you do, is all abusive behaviour. You shouldn't have to put up with it just to 'keep the peace'. I don't think its just jealousy, a lot of people feel jealous of others and whilst it might make them grumpy or snappy or something it doesn't make most people abusive and aggressive. There is something else going on here, I'm not sure what it is but I do know that whatever you do or whatever you change, you are not going to be able to change her or fix the situation. The only thing you can do is distance yourself from her. Don't see her and don't take calls if she is having a go at you you need to tell her it's not acceptable and hang up.

What does your mum do when she does things like this in front of you?

I think you would benefit from some counselling OP. She is abusing you and you seem to want to work it out with her, you feel sorry for her, you seem to think that it's up to you to try and help fix the relationship, when in reality if most people were treated like this they would be cutting contact with their abuser. I am wondering if there is something in your family dynamics e.g. everyone has always appeased your sister for an easy life, that is making you hesitant to cut her out. I think counselling would help you unpick this and also give you the strength to step away, or at least some strategies to deal with the situation

Changechangychange · 10/04/2021 13:17

I would not be in contact with any adult who had physically assaulted me - how did your family get to the stage where this is ok?

My brother and I used to fight when we were in primary school, which I’m not proud of, but we definitely stopped long before either of us hit adolescence. I’m amazed it has carried on until adulthood, because most people grow up to realise you don’t go around thumping people, and tbh I’m even more amazed your parents didn’t put a stop to it.

Notimeforaname · 10/04/2021 13:22

Look up Dr Ramani on YouTube. She deals with narcissism and personality disorders within the family.

My sister sounds very similar to yours. We've been no contact for many years.

You sister is jealous of you and will try to tear you down in life. Doesn't matter If she gets married.. has kids or moves out (all excuses my mother gave for my sisters behaviour) none of it will change her.

She's showing you who she is. No good can come of having a relationship with somebody like this.

MaMaD1990 · 10/04/2021 13:22

This sounds awful for you. I have a friend who had a very difficult relationship with her sister and she had CBT to help her deal with her sisters behaviors, many of which are as you describe. Whilst you can't make her change, you can control how you react to her behaviour and if all else, just completely avoid her where possible. Is she physically and verbally abusive to your mum? I'd be worried about that.

SpnBaby1967 · 10/04/2021 13:23

Sounds like my younger sister. She called me and spent 45 minutes telling me off for having a third baby.....at age 32.....after being married for 5 years. She then went on to tell everyone I was copying her by having 3 kids......mine are all older than hers

That's just a couple of examples. Shes all nice when she needs something, but then switches back to nightmare mode pretty quickly.

I decided to go NC, I just couldn't deal with it any more.

Notimeforaname · 10/04/2021 13:26

She is a complete control freak and tries to tell me how to live my life...right down to the point where she tells me when to do my cleaning in my own home!! We have sat down and tried to batter out our differences with different family members in the past but nothing seems to have worked. She will cry and seem remorseful but then fall back into her own ways

This was my life for years. I even had to endure guilt from other family members telling me I must talk to her. She's my only sibling etc
They thought they meant well but what they did was push me to stay in the abuse. Eyes were rolled at me if I said I was going no contact. I had to. She tormented my life.

Just because you share blood..does not mean they have free rein to abuse you.

ohsuzannah · 10/04/2021 13:27

@bishbashbosh99

Lol personality disorder??? She's just a brat! Sorry OP but she's unlikely to change at this age. Distance yourself

I live with someone with a personality disorder., and she is exactly like that.

Aquamarine1029 · 10/04/2021 13:31

The only thing you can do is to cut her out of your life. It's sad, but that's reality.

2bazookas · 10/04/2021 13:39

I had one.

I finally cut contact 20 years ago after her worst-ever public prima-donna shitfest. The good news was, that she finally decloaked her true nature in front of the entire extended family.

My only regret is that I didn't cut contact years earlier.

Ohpulltheotherone · 10/04/2021 13:41

If you remove the word sister and replace it with “boyfriend / girlfriend” every single person would tell you that this is abuse and you should break up the relationship immediately.

Just because she is your sister it does not mean you have to just accept her abusing you.
If you feel you can’t go no contact then limit your contact massively, don’t get drawn into discussions or arguments. Don’t reply to messages which try to reel you into an argument or debate - perhaps turn off notifications from her messages so you don’t have to read them until you choose to go into the folder.

I cut my toxic sibling out of my life years ago, it helped that I moved abroad but I just couldn’t take the endless anger and manipulation.
It is sad but there is only one person you have to prioritise and that is you.

Just because she is your family it doesn’t mean she is a nice person or someone you’d be friends with. Blood doesn’t give her free reign to abuse you - and your other family members shouldn’t be condoning or minimising her behaviour either.

Theshoepeople · 10/04/2021 13:47

OP I wonder if it's got worse because by moving out, you're acheiving things that she wants, when you're the younger sister. Being a younger sibling who jumps ahead in what society 'expects' (career, relationship, marriage or children) can lead to a very difficult dynamic.
I'm only guessing. If that is a factor though there really isn't anything you can do about it expect keep your distance and wait until she comes to terms with her path in life.

Solongtoshort · 10/04/2021 13:48

I am civil to my younger sister but we don’t make an effort with each other. She is unbelievably rude and thinks she is the queen of our family, l hate the way she treats my mum and how she treats my older ds children. My life is better without her in it, l also have a pact with my older ds that we don’t talk about younger sister because it will just annoy me and l we might fall out. I urge you to do the same for your own mental health.

FireflyRainbow · 10/04/2021 13:57

I'd cut my sister straight off if she dared speak to me like that, let alone attack me. She would have to do serious apologising. Me and my sister had an episode like this, she was saying how I'm a crap mum so I shut her off. She didn't see me or my kids for ages. Then she cried and apologised.

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