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Original poster

... ask for advice re DH putting on a lot of weight

46 replies

WaayyTooMuch · 10/04/2021 09:32

NC for this, and just wanted some opinions, thoughts, etc. if anyone has experienced the same. For some context:

  • Early 50s, married 25 years, good kind man and father
  • Busy stressful job (but same for me!!)
  • Has been gradually putting on weight over the last decade, and it's very noticeable. No idea of actual weight, but obviously carrying way too much weight, fat belly, all the usual

Is there any things I could/should try to do. A few things I've tried:

  • encouraged walking/cycling together (his bike is gathering dust)
  • never buy snacks or beer for the house (he does not drink much anyway)
  • trial gym membership for a few years (he went a few times per year only)

Of course he is a grown adult and can do what he wants. But it's a clear trend over the past decade, and I concerned about how he'd be 5 or 10 years from now if he continues on this path.

OP posts:
FortunesFave · 10/04/2021 09:41

Is he eating junk at work do you think? I mean...you know what you're all eating as a family, so it must be that?

It's very hard isn't it...when it's someone else, you can't control them and don't want to nag. All I can suggest is getting him healthy snacks in for work as a way to stop him snacking but he might just get what he wants anyway.

Unfortunately you can't change what he does....

akitamiss · 10/04/2021 09:42

A lot of people do put on weight in middle age. Maybe some people can more easily maintain a desired weight, but for me, and most people I know it does actually take real effort.

This might sound a bit harsh, but your DH needs a significant lifestyle change. An occasional walk, or biking or infrequent gym is no harm, but zero help for weight.

If he does not make those changes, then he'll continue to put on weight year by year by year by year. At age I see if with some friends, and my DSis. You can do a lot in a decade, good or bad!!!

DinosaurDiana · 10/04/2021 09:43

How much does he drink ?
My DH eats small portions but has a beer belly from his daily bottle of wine.

DinosaurDiana · 10/04/2021 09:44

Sorry, just seen he doesn’t drink a lot.

Nonmaquillee · 10/04/2021 09:44

I don't think that it's up to you to do something - it's up to him. He's responsible for himself.

Aquamarine1029 · 10/04/2021 09:45

Have you actually spoken to him about his weight? He's the only one who can do anything about it.

FindingMeno · 10/04/2021 09:48

Can you think of a joint venture you would both be equally enthused about for the future and for which you would both need to be as fit as healthy as you can? Travel? Even taking on an allotment? Whatever it is a goal you can look towards might be helpful.

sunflowersandbuttercups · 10/04/2021 09:49

You can't force him to lose weight - he has to want to do it for himself.

OneToFive · 10/04/2021 09:51

A few things that I do (and DH does similar) for exercise without a gym:

  • I have a very sedentary job, and car commute of sitting 90 mins per day, but to counterbalance that I try walk at work, short work middle of the day and evening, doing housework/cleaning for exercise :)
  • Walk to the shop if I need something small at weekend. Walk to local coffee shop every weekend

But exercise is only a small part of it. He is clearly eating too much, and the wrong stuff.

Are there other things going on? Is it just the weight that is a concern?

PurpleDaisies · 10/04/2021 10:00

Have you actually talked to him about his weight gain?

Original poster
WaayyTooMuch · 10/04/2021 10:02

I was expecting some of these replies, and totally get that he is responsible for his own weight and I can only do so much for him.

Strangely, he thinks he is careful about what he eats, but is not really (going out to eat will always end up with the unhealthy option!). I like the poster who mentioned sedentary. He drives to/from work, but inclined to sit down on iPad, listening to music, etc for hours and hours at weekends. But he is happy doing that :)

@OneToFive, my concern is mostly about his weight and possible health issues further down the line. But to be honest the weight has an impact on sex life too. I like/enjoy/want sex, it is important for me. As DH has put on weight he has become less interested, I always have to initiate, he does the minimum I ask....it's actually makes me feel sad writing this :(

OP posts:
deadflowers · 10/04/2021 10:07

It's very hard to change a life style, especially in middle age. It's really worthwhile to try encourage the change though, for you both.

It must be crap to be in a sexual relationship like that Flowers You say he is a good kind man, but sadly he is not looking out for you in that department.

Jumpers268 · 10/04/2021 10:07

I'm in exactly the same position. Mine literally does zero exercise and even when I cook healthy meals half an hour later he'll order McDonald's. He has zero interest in sex; I suspect because he's deeply unhappy with his appearance but yet is unwilling to do anything about it. Even a walk. It makes me very sad too and also very frustrated.

EugenesAxe · 10/04/2021 10:10

It might be worth getting him to have a medical. My DH gets them through work but pays for me to get them too. Get some statistics - the report I get gives full blood analysis and % likelihood of cardiac arrest and diabetes, and analyses abdominal fat (the kind that is most dangerous for many cancers).

He's possibly not wanting to face it and it has to come from him - but I've known plenty of men succeed with great amounts of weight loss around that age. He will have to do calorie restriction; he won't be able to exercise his way out. You could meal plan together. Fast 800 recipes, for example, have options for those not fasting (if you wanted to have more 'normal' ~500 calorie meals); your DH could have the low-calorie options. If you are good cooks though it's easy to know roughly which standard recipes would be OK for you. If you make a stew with meat and lots of veg, just have a reasonable portion of that with greens or salad, rather than potatoes. Chilli with salad. Pasta sauce with red lentil pasta rather than normal. Restrict snacking and have three reasonably hearty but low sugar/carb meals (choose full fat versions of things though, to aid satiation). He will lose weight.

Original poster
WaayyTooMuch · 10/04/2021 10:14

@Jumpers268, your situation sadly seems similar to me. On one side I'm seriously worried about his future health.

On the sex side of things, I'd never have signed up for anything like this. I feel so trapped by a partner that does not make an effort for something he knows is important for me.

OP posts:
Foxhasbigsocks · 10/04/2021 10:14

Op this happened with my dp who is similar age.

He has finally now over the last 18 months gone from bmi 30+ to just a little bit overweight. Still not great but much better than where he was, so a huge win.

I just asked dp and he says me raising with him didn’t really help (I would agree with this). He said what worked was him deciding on making a few simple changes and cutting out a few things eg totally cutting alcohol and biscuit / cakes and then he could see himself losing a bit of weight. Then he suddenly could see it was possible to lose more weight and at that point we really discussed the plan and I then really supported him eg healthy food, small portions, long family walks I planned “for the kids health” etc

Original poster
WaayyTooMuch · 10/04/2021 10:15

@EugenesAxe, I think the medical is probably a good idea (for both of us in fact). Thanks for the suggestion, I'll look in to that.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 10/04/2021 10:18

You haven’t said whether you’ve talked to him about his weight gain.

FindingMeno · 10/04/2021 10:22

You may be eligible for the NHS health check.

Notoriouslynotnotious · 10/04/2021 10:25

Your DH is me in my relationship OP. DH had the chat with me only in the last couple of weeks. He was very thoughtful and sensitive in what he said. He wanted me around for years to come, he is concerned about my long term health etc. Nothing he said offended me in the slightest I agree with him in everything he said.

I have started making some small changes to my exercise and eating habits and I am hoping they will all add up to a healthier version of me over time. We got a dog and I do his long walk every day which has been a really positive change but ultimately it is my sweet tooth and 2 bottles of wine a week habit I need to address. My lead are absolutely diet friendly, I am not a big meal eater.

Even writing that down reminds me that is exactly what I need to change.

Notoriouslynotnotious · 10/04/2021 10:25

Lead = meals

adreamofspring · 10/04/2021 10:28

OP I think you are within your rights to have a sensitive discussion, from a place of love, about your concerns for his long term health. Are his parents healthy? For me it’s an easy comparison to make when I have this chat with my DH, his mother has barely left the house since turning 68 due to health issues associated with poor diet and low activity, my parents aren’t health nuts but understand what they need to do to keep their independence and are running around after grandchildren in their mid 70s. He can easily look forward to a fun, active future like that with really small changes.

Did you get him out for walks in lockdown? Would he be up for nice evening strolls? I can’t imagine not having done that over the last 12 months, I would have gone crazy!

Increased body fat does affect testosterone so that will affect your sex life but also other elements of his health too including his mood. He might be happy being on his iPad but he’ll be ‘chemically’ happier with a bit of movement. Good luck

MyVisionsComeFromSoup · 10/04/2021 10:29

ex H is like this, he's always "too busy" to go for a walk, and with exercise in general he's very "all or nothing" - if he can't swim at a million miles per hour up and down a pool for an hour, he can't possibly do anything.

We convinced him to go to the GP for a general check up, and apparently there was nothing wrong with his cholesterol or diabetes/heart risks, which we were very Confused about, as he's at least 6 stone overweight, mostly all on his belly.

Foodwise, it is mainly too big portions I think, lunch is a meal deal from the supermarket, but he'll always go for the triple decker sandwich and the big bag of crisps. Plus the bottle of wine a night.

Nothing I said or did ever made a difference, which is why he's now an ex tbh

bellmyring · 10/04/2021 10:30

OP, whatever about diet, your DH sounds really really lazy. It's an awful trait in people. Sitting around for hours and hours on end on his iPad sounds awful. Seems like he is lazy and making no effort in the bedroom too?

Does he do any housework? gardening? cleaning? Get him moving :)

Ifonly41day · 10/04/2021 10:30

He is an adult it is his choice it is a shit choice. My DH has put on 6 stone since we got together he was a big man to begin with. He is 12 stone heavier than me at 21stone. He looks like he is pregnant with triplets. I don't feel attracted to him I side eye his bulging belly.
No sex for months . We have a chat it is hurtful he will change diet, start training, stop a week later.
He blames me for a lack of interest in sex.