... ask for advice re DH putting on a lot of weight

[WaayyTooMuch]

NC for this, and just wanted some opinions, thoughts, etc. if anyone has experienced the same. For some context:

• Early 50s, married 25 years, good kind man and father
• Busy stressful job (but same for me!!)
• Has been gradually putting on weight over the last decade, and it's very noticeable. No idea of actual weight, but obviously carrying way too much weight, fat belly, all the usual

Is there any things I could/should try to do. A few things I've tried:

• encouraged walking/cycling together (his bike is gathering dust)
• never buy snacks or beer for the house (he does not drink much anyway)
• trial gym membership for a few years (he went a few times per year only)

Of course he is a grown adult and can do what he wants. But it's a clear trend over the past decade, and I concerned about how he'd be 5 or 10 years from now if he continues on this path.

It's been really helpful for me to see the replies. Lots to process and filer there for me.

Yes now that you mention it his Dad was similar and did has serious health issues later in life (very overweight, bald...no issue with bald, it's the weight/health).

The sex stuff "works", but he knows it is important for me and yet basically makes no effort, really makes me feel like crap, worthless, etc.

I guess I'm also a bit worried about my DS. He is a healthy weight, but I'd dread to think of him going the same path as DH later in life. So I feel some responsibility to set a good model/path.

Take Eamonn Holmes for example a heavy man now in cronic agony.
My DM was obese she really suffered from her 50's.
A bit of advice this thread will draw in posters who will tell you to MYOB.
I agree with you his sedentary lifestyle is affecting his health and family.

I think as pp said, you need to talk to him, out of love. This isn't a case of your husband putting on a few pounds, getting a bit out of shape and not fancying him anymore. This is about his long-term health and the impact that could have on your lives together. Yes, he's a grown man, and yes, he's got to want to do it, but as his life partner, I think you have every right to bring this up (sensitively).

I had to have a similar conversation with DH. I love him and want to grow old with him, and have a really good time for as long as possible. This won't be possible if he develops diabetes, hypertension, heart disease, or finds it difficult to walk too far without getting breathless.

He took it well, and now we're both more aware of what we eat and how much exercise we get. Sometimes we simply get into terrible habits. With lockdown easing, now is the time to break some of those.

Good luck.

Is the sex issue definitely linked to the weight? It sounds like more of a problem to me

You really need to have a conversation with him about 2 topics: 1) weight/health and 2) sex

You seem to be in a poor place mentally with both, and being on the same page for both is critical in a good relationship.

Based on the limited information you supplied I'd basically categorise him as REALLY LAZY. I'd find that really unattractive in a man (or woman!)

We are the other way around. DH has lost a lot of weight over the last five years (about 5 stone that had crept in). He is now very fit and healthy. Slowly I have been following suit. He has without saying anything has been a really good motivator.

You are straying into the resentment area, when that kicks in it’s the end.
You need a serious chat to stop the rot. If he won’t, then you’ve a choice to make.

It is hard to continue pushing someone if their heart isn't in it. I've tried with DP it is a muted conversation at this stage his portions are massive he doesn't eat all day but will have a 3 person lunch/dinner.
I can't force him even if it is hurtful.
Not to be shallow sex is awkward not that we do it much lately.

He’s going to have to want this because it isn’t about going for the odd walk or bike ride, it’s going to mean reducing food intake. In your 50s your metabolism has slowed down and you just can’t eat as much anymore and get away with it.

I’ve lost weight doing intermittent fasting (I do 16/8). It’s not actually that difficult but you do need to be committed.

I think once he starts losing weight he will get the motivation to carry on. At the moment he’s got inertia, he doesn’t know where or how to start, and he’s not sure if it’s even worth it. All you can do is try and convince him of why it definitely is worth it.

Metabolism slows down as you age, but metabolism is basically how much muscle you carry. It's muscle that uses up the energy you put into your body each day, and unless someone has a specific medical issue, the 'speed' of your metabolism is just how much muscle you have. It's one reason why people put on weight as they get older because eating the same amount of food they did twenty years prior is more than they need and leads to gradual weight gain.
IF your husband is open to the idea of exercise, weight training would have much more impact than the odd bike ride. It's also more likely to feed into the male ego as, well, most men like to be strong. It might be worth considering or setting an example for him to try it.
Re sex- exercise, well, it gets the blood flowing. It might help those matters too.

Getting off his ass and doing more around the home would be a good start for any man (or woman for that matter!). We would not have the extra money to spend on gyms, bikes, (could afford it, but other priorities). Could he take up some hobby with exercise component?

about the sex stuff. Can't be nice to feel unwanted, not considered, no effort being made. I was there once, an ex-DH now, biggest mistake I made was not waking up to it sooner.

@Eveningoftheday, he does have some hobbies that could involve some exercise, but does not incorporate much of it, e.g., brings the kids to football and in theory could run or kickabout with the other dads, but instead chats or goes on his phone.

@bellmyring, he does help out at home of course, but not so active. I just back from shopping and DH got up at about 10.30, he's still sitting exactly where he was 3 hours ago, his only movement was to make coffee, or maybe re-charge his iPad. He does look happy and comfortable too!

I've spoken to my DSis and a close friend about it. They've also give me similar advice to some of you. I'm determined to sit down and have a serious chat with him the coming days. I am worried about him medium term. Short term I hate what has happened to sex, he's just so **ing lazy and can't be bothered, and yet knows it is important for me.

At the end of the day you can't control who he is, what he does and so on. But you are right to try set a good example. It is easy to get in a rut.

In some ways you don't sound very compatible? It clearly not a satisfying relationship in many ways. Good luck when you speak with him! I hope he can makes some changes for his health, and be more considerate of things that are important for you.

@WaayyTooMuch what is his diet like in general? does he snack? And if so, how often and what on?

I’m nearing the end of this book:

www.whyweeattoomuch.co.uk/

It is all grounded in the proper science of what happens to make us gain weight and how metabolism actually works. I found it fascinating.

One of the things andrew Jenkinson talks about is the highly processed western diet, unnecessary snacking (driven by the food industry’s marketing) and how this works against us, stimulating the insulin response to make us store excess sugar and refined carbohydrates, ultimately, as fat. It debunks the flawed research behind the 70s US dietary guidelines to cut saturated fat in order to lose fat. An enlightening read.

Wow! That looks a really interesting book. I'll get it.

OP, you probably need to think about what you want too. In reality you DH will probably continue to put on weight, and the bad sex you have now will only get worse and more infrequent. This is a likely outcome? How would you feel about that?

Also, I can only imagine a man posting here that his wife was getting fat and not up for sex. Which is kinda what you saying ;)

OP, is it a very one sided relationship? You obviously care and are concerned about him. Does he really care much about you?

A GP visit/discussion might be helpful on the weigh/health aspect. Just in case he does not realize the impact. What is his BMI?

Being very overweight can have an impact of ability to have sex, stamina, etc. Again, a discussion with GP is probably not a bad idea.

My dear sister put on a lot of weight when in a sad place. She has had to have two knee replacements in her sisxties as a result - long recovery, much pain, more weight gain because sedentary for six months. It is not just that weight gain kills people earlier - it also completely fucks up the older years in terms of health and mobility. Over weight people can become semi disabled in their sixties - walking with sticks etc., while their healthier partners are left doing things without them and almost become like a carer at too young an age. These mobility problems should happen in the late seventies/early eighties for healthy people, not fifteen-twenty years earlier. Sorry OP, I don't want to be gloomy, but this shit gets real after sixty. Research the knee/weight gain issue - show him how that could be his future.

Long discussion this evening. Apparently there's nothing to be concerned about according to DH... Gone to bed very angry now.

It has to be up to him.
I get that you're concerned with his weight, but as the overweight one in the marriage here it has to come from inside!
No amount of concern will help if you haven't "clicked" inside to lose weight for yourself.
You can know what you need to do, how to do it, but it's putting it into action!

Have another chat when he calms or book him a health check let the GP tell him he'll probably take it easier.
Good luck. 👍