I hate confrontation

[MrsSchrute]

This is not a TAAT, but inspired by a lot of threads I have read in recent days.
So often, I see people who seem so terrified of even minor confrontations that they twist themselves in knots, and come up with the.most elaborate schemes, to avoid having a direct conversation.
Wouldn't it just be much simpler to tell someone if they're doing something you don't like? Or correct someone who had made a mistake?
Is it just a lack of confidence?
I'm not talking about putting yourself in danger of physical harm. But if someone is, for example, posting pictures of you child on social media and you don't want them too, or making loud noise late at night, why not just ask them not too?
Have we all just become so conditioned to comfort that even a slightly uncomfortable conversation is unbearable?

The opposite - I was brought up in the 60s in a household where any confrontation was avoided; you put up and shut up. In particular women put up with what men thought and wanted. Better for a woman to apologise knowing she was in the right than to stand up for yourself and Make A Fuss. I’m delighted to say that I am finally, in my 60s, learning how to manage conflict and that my children are much better at it than I am.

So no, not a ‘nowadays’ thing, more a ‘historical’ thing that I hope is fading.

It’s gendered. Girls and women are still overwhelmingly socialised to be compliant, and non-cooperation or assertiveness attracts accusations of ‘aggressiveness’. Why do you think there’s no male equivalent of ‘shrew’ or ‘virago’?

Interesting! You're right, I hadn't thought about it in that way.
Well done you for breaking out of that mindset!

@Coving

It’s gendered. Girls and women are still overwhelmingly socialised to be compliant, and non-cooperation or assertiveness attracts accusations of ‘aggressiveness’. Why do you think there’s no male equivalent of ‘shrew’ or ‘virago’?

Thanks @Coving It makes me so angry that this is the case! Why should anyone have to put up with something that they don't like? Society has really done a number on women here!

I avoid confrontation as I find it hard to make an even-tempered request to someone who is doing something that I think is so very obviously cunty its really hard not to just tell them to stop being a cunt. I know this is my problem btw.

I don’t really enjoy confrontation either, but struggle to hit the right note when standing up for myself. I am either too blankly direct (I’ve been criticised for this before) when I’m feeling impatient, or - the other side of me - I bottle things up and the feeling eventually bubbles over, and by that point my anger is unmistakable.

Without exception, I have had negative reactions when I try to be assertive. So that is why I struggle to - because I can’t and don’t trust my own judgment that I will strike the right chord. Pretty simple really.

Some I can understand. Eg there have been a few threads recently about neighbours where they seem rude and aggressive and clearly have no consideration for anyone else. I'd be wary of confronting them, I have heard lots of horror stories about confronting neighbours like that where its started a massive feud and they've done some really horrible things that have made other peoples lives unbearable.

I'm 45 now (and female) and have had to work very hard on myself over the past few years to stop being a doormat. I've still got years to go. Poster up thread has nailed it 'gender conditioning'. There is a massive skill to putting an opposing view across in a non-aggressive way - I find it really difficult! I would love for my dds to be assertive, but it's difficult to teach them how to be when I'm crap at it myself.

But, you are right, we should all be able to speak up.

I've no idea what happened in so many women's life's that make it so difficult.

I hate confrontation and avoid it at all costs. I never used to but some years ago I was in a domestically violent relationship and ever since then I have lost all of my confidence and ability to stand up for myself for fear that the confrontation will turn violent (and as men always seem to react with anger everytime you say something they don't like it often feels like it will turn violent)

@arethereanyleftatall

I'm 45 now (and female) and have had to work very hard on myself over the past few years to stop being a doormat. I've still got years to go. Poster up thread has nailed it 'gender conditioning'. There is a massive skill to putting an opposing view across in a non-aggressive way - I find it really difficult! I would love for my dds to be assertive, but it's difficult to teach them how to be when I'm crap at it myself.

But, you are right, we should all be able to speak up.

I've no idea what happened in so many women's life's that make it so difficult.

I don’t think it’s either about what’s happened in individual women’s lives or necessarily about women lacking the skills needed to ‘putting an opposed view across in a non-aggressive way’ — though I’m sure some element of both is widespread. I think that behaviour that would be considered ordinarily assertive in boys is considered ‘aggressive’, ‘shrill’ and ‘unfeminine’ in girls, and leads to negative feedback, particularly from men, but also from other women. My mother, for instance, absolutely loathes female confidence and authority, and some of my earliest memories are of her laying into some female celebrity on a tv chat show because she wasn’t going along with the sexist paternalistic chat of the host (‘Aren’t you the saucy young minx?’) and standing up for her version of herself. My only male teacher at school told me I ‘needed to work on my aggression’ after a perfectly civil school debating competition I’d won. Years later, when I met his wife who was desperately trying to divorce him, I understood his ideas about what women ‘should’ be like.

I hate confrontation. Generally it makes the person being confronted aggressive, and the person who does it feel bad about themselves.

It has taken me many years how to work out how to talk to someone politely and assertively to try and reach a resolution. Generally I find that injecting a bit of humour helps. The caveat is that you need the person you are approaching to be someone that you can reason with in the first place.

Many years ago some new neighbours moved in and were having bonfires on every fine day. I ended up having to take my washing in every time. So, one day I plucked up the courage and asked them to let me know next time they were having a fire so that I knew not to put my washing out. I did say that I didn't mind the fires, but just wanted a bit of warning.

She was so mortified that she brought a bag of apples round from her apple tree to apologise, and we have been friends ever since. We laugh about bonfiregate now.

I've been wondering about starting an assertiveness thread, where people could work through an assertiveness course together and support each other becoming less afraid to say No.

Imagine if women too improving their assertiveness and communication skills as seriously as weight loss? That would be trulywworld changing💪

*took

Agree it’s all about being assertive and putting forward your wants clearly firmly but non aggressively. The worst case is the person who doesn’t like confrontation then seethes secretly or explodes after years. Much better for all to face up to things. People respect you for it.

Watching a silly film but one bit your good a girl approached by a man and she firmly said but pleasantly “I don’t give out my number”. Totally shut him down. Wish I had been more like that as a young woman

@DynamoKev

I avoid confrontation as I find it hard to make an even-tempered request to someone who is doing something that I think is so very obviously cunty its really hard not to just tell them to stop being a cunt. I know this is my problem btw.

I am with you - it's all or nothing with me too

No one actually likes confrontation surely? But I am not afraid of it

I think its generally a British thing, particularly a white British thing. Like when people tell wait staff the food is lovely, or saying sorry to someone who bumps in to them. Very much a cultural thing.

It's awful, isn't it?

And it's so often dressed up as "people pleasing" to give the impression that it's nice and selfless rather than dishonest (usually comes with trying to communicate the point through passive aggression that leaves room for plausible doubt so they can wriggle out of it if they get asked to be direct) and borne of a terror of being disliked, even when they don't like the other person themselves.

It often does not need to be confrontational anyway. You can ask most things in a polite and considerate way.

See I don't struggle with it at all. I don't like confrontation, I would prefer to drift through life without it but if something is out of line then I do say.

DH on the other hand is a total people pleaser. Our new neighbours were having a noisy party a couple of weekend back (yes, in COVID times). They'd had their six people in the garden but as it got cold it moved into the house and by 10pm the music was so loud we couldn't hear our TV. It really pissed me off. It's so inconsiderate.

DH wouldn't have dreamed of mentioning it. I spoke to them then next day, politely and nicely, they were very apologetic and have moved the speakers off the party wall plus are coming round when COVID restrictions end to stand in our sitting room and hear at which point their music is audible in our house so they can avoid it in future. Sorted, hopefully.

I'm a mother of daughters. I am raising them to feel comfortable in being assertive. Not rude. Never rude but there is nothing wrong with being politely direct and saying 'no'.

I will say though, I have been labelled as 'difficult' over the years. I am probably more restrained now I'm a bit older (35) and I think being assertive (rather than rude or aggressive) is a skill you hone with experience but looking back I don't think I was was difficult. I just was a young women who stood up for herself and stuck to her boundaries.

Why is stating your opinion or assertiveness even couched as 'confrontation' at all? That's the real problem.

@Coving

It’s gendered. Girls and women are still overwhelmingly socialised to be compliant, and non-cooperation or assertiveness attracts accusations of ‘aggressiveness’. Why do you think there’s no male equivalent of ‘shrew’ or ‘virago’?

It's not.

I hate confrontation because any dissent as a child was met by extreme rage and faults/mistakes/errors/accidents were pounced on immediately as a way for her to exercise her physical strength and claimed intellectual superiority over me (or anybody else who happened to invoke her wrath).

Add to that expectation of being absolutely battered, growing up in a very rough area and an arsehole of an ex who thought that public fisticuffs in the office carpark with the Sales Manager was the epitome of masculine assertiveness and you end up with somebody who despises the whole spectacle of somebody acting as the Big I Am.

It's also a British thing

My DH says I love it, I actually don’t but never avoid confrontation. I’m not shouty or aggressive though, just very assertive and calm.
I am both English and a woman

@Coving

It’s gendered. Girls and women are still overwhelmingly socialised to be compliant, and non-cooperation or assertiveness attracts accusations of ‘aggressiveness’. Why do you think there’s no male equivalent of ‘shrew’ or ‘virago’?

The thing is. This won't change unless one generation breaks it. It's also learned behaviour from watching adults.

The energy some people put i to avoiding something what's actually not even conflict or confrontation, just simple "oh, no i don't want to do that", could be much better used elsewhere.

@Susannahmoody

It's also a British thing

Yeah. You are quite right there. Sorry everyone