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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL Maybedrama

42 replies

Elkie1106 · 10/04/2021 02:20

Please tell me if AIBU.

My MIL has an amazing relationship with my 2y DS. I was pretty jealous at the beginning but have been calming down recently.

However.

MIL has posted a picture of my son crying saying she misses home, then goes to the comments to say that's what happens when she tells him his dad is coming to pick him up. It really broke me. My moods have been a bit all over the place since having my second who is 6m so I don't know if I am being unreasonable. I am EXTREMELY non-confrontational but it brought me to a point where I wanted to call her out. Spoke to DH about it but really didn't push it because that's his mum! He understood my view but just spoke about how excited DS was to see him so he's not sure how he was upset in the picture...

AIBU?

OP posts:
Mintjulia · 10/04/2021 02:31

Why did your mil post such a spiteful comment? I'd tell her that if the visits are upsetting the child so much, they need to be put on hold until your ds is older.
Show her the potential results of her nastiness and maybe she'll be kinder in future.

Splicedbananas · 10/04/2021 03:08

I'm not quite sure whether you're partly upset because you are concerned that your son really didn't want to come home. I'd say that children often do that if they're having a good time and then once they leave they're as happy as anything. My nephews have done the same in the past when playing with my children, it doesn't mean they would really prefer to stay at my house permanently!

I often think MiLs get a ridiculously hard time on here but in your case I think she's being unreasonable and unkind. She can adore her grandchildren without trying to get into some ridiculous game of who does the child prefer. She's crossed the line and I think your DH should give her a strong talking to.

Original poster
Elkie1106 · 10/04/2021 03:19

@Mintjulia I have no idea why she would do this, we've always been pretty ok with one another so I don't know where this has come from. I won't be handing DS over to them for a while.

@Splicedbananas I think you've hit the nail on the head, but I know my DS will always look to me if he's upset and is always happy to see me when he comes home so I'm feeling a bit more secure. I was a bit blindsided by her post and just burst into tears. Ill speak to my DH about it and tell him how much it hurt me. I think he was pretty upset too but is more confused about why it happened in the first place.

OP posts:
SatNightFever · 10/04/2021 04:25

I’d be more concerned that your MIL is posting pictures of your DS without your prior knowledge.

Also - why do people post pics of kids in a state of distress ? It’ll always be there, even when he’s older. Doesn’t he deserve his own dignity

TenPenceMix · 10/04/2021 05:34

Comment underneath and say 'no, MIL, this is what happens when his granny posts shit about his family'

Dancingsmile · 10/04/2021 06:07

The first thing that stood out for me was that she took a picture of your son I distress. Why was she not comforting or distracting him.
I would not be happy that she thought it was OK to post a picture of my child upset.
It's very odd . She is happy and thinks it's a good thing that she's made him cry.
My grandson says he doesn't want to go home but it's because it's all going on at my house . He's had a day of attention and in that second it's fun and he doesn't want anything else. I don't think for a moment he prefers me. He doesn't. This is what toddlers do.
She needs to be told to get over herself and be realistic about why he's doing it. Plus she needs to be told to not set up situations that make her son distressed . Photograph it and publicise it. That's just cruel and egotistical and plain weird.

Shoxfordian · 10/04/2021 06:09

I would just ignore it
She probably thought she was being funny or something. Unfollow her and then you won’t see her nonsense on social media anymore

KoalaOok · 10/04/2021 06:11

Why did she take a photo of him upset instead of comforting him? And then decide to post it on the internet. Her priorities are all weird.

Sometimeswinning · 10/04/2021 06:24

I'd tell her that if the visits are upsetting the child so much, they need to be put on hold until your ds is older.

You actually think a child should be used like this? How awful!

SunshineCake · 10/04/2021 06:39

Yet the MIL is using the child and you seem okay with that

OverTheRainbow88 · 10/04/2021 06:46

If a child is in distress it’s on the first reaction would be to take a pic

Holly60 · 10/04/2021 07:00

I wonder if she just thought she was being funny. It’s very common for children to cry or get briefly upset when a happy day comes to an end. She probably experienced it from the other end when your DH was little, and possibly realises that the tears dry up about 30 seconds after they leave! I very much hope she just thought it was funny and would be mortified if she knew she had upset you. Emotional literacy needed here - your husband needs to chat to her and explain that you were upset by the comment and give her the opportunity to fix things. I am a MIL and would ABSOLUTELY want my DS to tell me if I’d upset DDIL (if she didn’t want to tell me herself) so that I could profusely apologise and put things right straight away. The same goes for if I had accidentally upset DSIL - I would want my DD to tell me straight away. This is how families work. We make mistakes, we apologise, we move on and love each other. I really hope she will do this for you. And yes I think your DH needs to suggest she doesn’t just post things on FB for all to see!

Sometimeswinning · 10/04/2021 07:00

@SunshineCake did I say that? I just found your comment more controling/using.

The op has even said about their amazing relationship. Thats not something you stop without trying other avenues. I doubt the op has even broached the matter with her.

SunshineCake · 10/04/2021 07:15

Controlling?

How odd.

I expected this comment and it is the implication since you don't clarify that you don't mean that.

FlatEarthling · 10/04/2021 07:42

She would not be allowed to have my son on her own after this.
Her remark was definitely spiteful and makes you look like bad parents. Sorry OP, she's massive overstepped the mark here.

Mylovelyhorsee · 10/04/2021 08:05

Yeah she wouldn’t be having anymore unsupervised contact. Why was she taking pictures of your child crying instead of comforting him? That’s what would upset me here, her almost taking pleasure in him crying? Weird.

Iwonder08 · 10/04/2021 08:07

Your MIL has issues, why would anyone take a picture of a crying child instead of comforting them? Why does she feel the need to post that he doesn't want to go home? My bet is she is very needy and insecure. Ask your DH this very question, is his mum OK, because her behaviour is not normal

wtfisgoingonhere21 · 10/04/2021 08:22

I feel sad when I read posts like this because I'm really lucky in that my mil has a great relationship with my dc and spent a lot of time with them in their younger years helping loads with childcare etc and coming over on the weekend to see us all.

It's such a shame women seem to have this point scoring thing op and I'm sad for you.

Don't get me wrong we've had our moments but more with fil overstepping the mark and trying to be a controlling twat

It's really difficult at times dealing with family that you've not grown up with. We are kind of pushed together because we all love this one person

My upbringing was totally different compared to dhs.
My parents were mostly skint but very liberal and I had a fantastic childhood and am still really close and open with my parents now but dh finds it hard as he grew up with a dictator and an at times violent narcissistic controller

CrazyHorse · 10/04/2021 08:37

I would not be happy if Anyone posted a picture of my distressed child on the internet. I'd be asking her to take it down.

timeandagain1 · 10/04/2021 08:53

It is really annoying and frustrating but I'd probably just ignore it. I imagine more than spiteful it was an attempt at bragging to her Facebook friends "look what a great granny I am, the grandkids cry when they have to leave'. It shows a real lack of sensitivity to you as the parent but says more about them than you. It reminds me of my FIL who gloated when his 3 year old grandson said he preferred him to his other grandad - as if it is some kind of competition. I've seen and heard stuff like this before and it always make me view the person as rather childish.

KoalaOok · 10/04/2021 08:56

I think your DH needs to ask her to take the photo down. It is a massive invasion of your child's privacy. She wouldn't like it if you put a picutre if her crying on Facebook.

Tinydinosaur · 10/04/2021 09:02

What a horrible thing for her to do. Her grandson is crying so she takes a picture then brags on Facebook that her grandson cries because he would rather be with her than his mum.

I'd have commented something like "why would you take a picture for Facebook while he's crying?"

Your husband needs to prioritise you over his mum in this case. He's allowing his mum to bully you to protect her feelings.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 10/04/2021 09:28

I think this is wrong of her. I can't see any motivation for it other than a 'look he loves me best' type of thing, which is a bit pathetic and misjudged at best and a bit spiteful at worst.

I think you or preferably your husband need to speak to her to ask what she was trying to achieve and then request that a. She takes the post down as you don't want posts of your son upset on social media b. She doesnt take pictures of your son when he is distressed c. She doesn't try and start some sort of competition of who your son loves more and d. (If you dont post pictures on social media) that she stops posting on social media

Hopefully it was just ill judged and she didn't really think it through

SprungisSpringYaY · 10/04/2021 09:49

This type of comment I don't feel comes from a healthy or good place..

It's putting her son down..

TheOnlyKoiInAPondOfGoldfish · 10/04/2021 12:20

I would have expected all of my dc to be upset at the thought of leaving granny's house to come home, they adored my MIL and had a fantastic time with her. Tears at coming home would not have worried me.

It's the taking of the picture, and the posting online with that comment, which is concerning.

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