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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL Maybedrama

42 replies

Elkie1106 · 10/04/2021 02:20

Please tell me if AIBU.

My MIL has an amazing relationship with my 2y DS. I was pretty jealous at the beginning but have been calming down recently.

However.

MIL has posted a picture of my son crying saying she misses home, then goes to the comments to say that's what happens when she tells him his dad is coming to pick him up. It really broke me. My moods have been a bit all over the place since having my second who is 6m so I don't know if I am being unreasonable. I am EXTREMELY non-confrontational but it brought me to a point where I wanted to call her out. Spoke to DH about it but really didn't push it because that's his mum! He understood my view but just spoke about how excited DS was to see him so he's not sure how he was upset in the picture...

AIBU?

OP posts:
Mylovelyhorsee · 10/04/2021 12:23

@TheOnlyKoiInAPondOfGoldfish what you’ve said is perfect. That’s how I feel too, my son balls his eyes out not leaving granny’s but leaving my brothers house. He is hysterical, my brother would never take a picture and post it online. Ever.

Dobbyisahouseelf · 10/04/2021 13:27

I would not be happy if my MIL had posted a photo of my child crying on social media. Why would anyone do this surely you would comfort a child in their distress. Sounds like your MIL is using your child as a prop to say 'aren't I a fantastic Grandparent' when infact she is not because she would rather take a photo for social media likes than comforting her Grand child. I would be pointing this out to her and your DH.

lockdownalli · 10/04/2021 13:36

I'd tell her that if the visits are upsetting the child so much, they need to be put on hold until your ds is older. Show her the potential results of her nastiness and maybe she'll be kinder in future.

Agree with this. She sounds really spiteful.

OverTheRainbow88 · 10/04/2021 13:42

@lockdownalli

Preventing a relationship over a pic is spiteful

SprungisSpringYaY · 10/04/2021 13:45

Over.. How did you come to the deduction it's solely about a picture?
It's the comment with the picture, the taking the picture of sad child and not consoling the child and the mind set of competition..

GladysTheGroovyMule · 10/04/2021 13:56

I wouldn’t like that either. Regarding your son, I think because small children look to us to reassure them, when you tell them something is going to happen and you use negative language like “oh no that naughty man (daddy) is coming to take you away from me soon!” You’re going to possibly upset and worried child. Whereas if you say “look at the time, daddy will be here soon to take you home!” You’re going to get a happy child in response. Your son was fine when he saw his dad and probably relieved as well as happy to go home with him.

Your MIL sounds insecure so that she has to use her grandchild to prop up her ego. My mums a bit like that and has previously asked my children if she’s their favourite granny Hmm My ex MIL used to refer to me as “nasty mummy, always spoiling our fun” Hmm luckily mine worked out as toddlers that mummy isn’t nasty and doesn’t spoil all the fun. My then 4 year old even replied to her granny once “that’s very mean to say that. Do you even know my mummy?” Children aren’t daft.

OverTheRainbow88 · 10/04/2021 14:02

@SprungisSpringYaY

Yes I agree it’s odd and said that upthread. But I wouldn’t go NC over it if they clearly having a good bond.

lifeinlimbo2020 · 10/04/2021 14:06

@Holly60

I wonder if she just thought she was being funny. It’s very common for children to cry or get briefly upset when a happy day comes to an end. She probably experienced it from the other end when your DH was little, and possibly realises that the tears dry up about 30 seconds after they leave! I very much hope she just thought it was funny and would be mortified if she knew she had upset you. Emotional literacy needed here - your husband needs to chat to her and explain that you were upset by the comment and give her the opportunity to fix things. I am a MIL and would ABSOLUTELY want my DS to tell me if I’d upset DDIL (if she didn’t want to tell me herself) so that I could profusely apologise and put things right straight away. The same goes for if I had accidentally upset DSIL - I would want my DD to tell me straight away. This is how families work. We make mistakes, we apologise, we move on and love each other. I really hope she will do this for you. And yes I think your DH needs to suggest she doesn’t just post things on FB for all to see!
@Holly60 I thought this too. In my family any one of us could say similar about nieces, nephews, grandchildren etc and we would just be messing about. It would be sort of thing I would comment on and joke about back.
lifeinlimbo2020 · 10/04/2021 14:08

Just to clarify none of my family would put a picture of anyone else anywhere online. I just mean in general we would say 'I'm favourite Aunty not you' to my sister or whatever messing about.

2bazookas · 10/04/2021 14:12

Tell her "take it down or you won't see him again. "

Cherrysoup · 10/04/2021 14:31

That’s really nasty of her. Your dh needs to tell her it’s out of order and that she won’t be seeing your dc again until she realises the error of her ways, plus she removes all photos of your dc from social media and writes a public apology. What a bitch! Don’t let her get away with this.

user77hjjy · 10/04/2021 16:58

Just a jokey comment surely?

This thread is ott

Sometimeswinning · 10/04/2021 20:19

Just a jokey comment surely?

Nope. Just waiting for the calls to 111 or ss to be mentioned. We've had restricted visits so far.

LuaDipa · 10/04/2021 21:03

[quote OverTheRainbow88]@lockdownalli

Preventing a relationship over a pic is spiteful[/quote]
It’s no worse than taking a picture of a crying child and sharing it on social media to create some sort of twisted narrative that the child prefers her to their parents.

Original poster
Elkie1106 · 10/04/2021 21:34

Thank you everyone for your replies! So much to take in but I've taken some good points from the discussion.

DH will speak to MIL about the post and ask for it to be taken down. We will not be stopping MIL seeing DS, their relationship is too important. I think MIL may be insecure but has really went down the wrong path to reassure herself so will give her the benefit of the doubt. I need her to see my point of view and acknowledge it.

I know for a fact that MIL knows how well our boys are looked after and this was just a stroke of ego and a bit of a competitiveness, not a jab at our parenting. She always says how proud she is of myself and DH. Smile

This has been a low point for all of us and MIL has not seen as much of DS as she normally would so may have been a moment of weakness.

Thanks again everyone

OP posts:
Holly60 · 11/04/2021 20:36

I think that’s a kind and fair response OP and I hope she responds in a similar way

SnackSizeRaisin · 11/04/2021 20:51

What she did was out of order. Your response depends on how she normally is, it could have been a misjudged joke....however I would ask her not to take photos of your child when he's upset and not to post any photos of him on social media at all.
Personally I hate this competitive thing. Heard my MIL saying to my 3 year old niece once "I'm your favourite nana aren't I?" and that was enough to decide she would never have sole charge of my child. It's just such a damaging attitude to make a child feel guilty for loving other adults in their lives. Children should be free to have the relationships that they want, not be manipulated like this.

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