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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my dd shouldn’t be made to tell me things if she doesn’t want to

29 replies

User544444 · 09/04/2021 22:58

She’s 24 nearly 25 still lives with me though. She’s under CMHT and has recently been put under the crisis team. They have told her they will be calling me to tell me why she’s under them. While I would prefer my children talk to me I know she’s been talking to her friends about how she’s feeling which I know at her age. I also preferred to do. Aibu to think her wishes should be respected if she doesn’t want me involved?

OP posts:
JSL52 · 09/04/2021 23:21

Isn't what she's said to them confidential?

Combustablecustard · 09/04/2021 23:53

Are they sharing the information with you with a view to keeping her safe if she is in your home?

MichelleScarn · 09/04/2021 23:56

Is she telling you thats what they've said or have they told you that's what they'll do? I'm surprised by this given her age.

Lovethewater · 10/04/2021 00:26

If they feel this is necessary, then it would suggest there is a significant risk issue here.

DioneTheDiabolist · 10/04/2021 00:30

They're not making your daughter tell you things she doesn't want to. They will be telling you things that they think you need to know in order to keep her safe.

Confusedmeanderings · 10/04/2021 00:53

When I was supported by CMHT I was asked if it was OK to talk to my husband. Its a bit hazy because I was being sectioned at the time and I wasn't myself, but I'm sure that was what I was asked.

WorraLiberty · 10/04/2021 00:56

@User544444

She’s 24 nearly 25 still lives with me though. She’s under CMHT and has recently been put under the crisis team. They have told her they will be calling me to tell me why she’s under them. While I would prefer my children talk to me I know she’s been talking to her friends about how she’s feeling which I know at her age. I also preferred to do. Aibu to think her wishes should be respected if she doesn’t want me involved?
This entirely depends on why.

What did they say when you spoke to them about it?

Mrsmchammer · 10/04/2021 01:00

It is not uncommon to make a plan with family members or even housemates to deal with issues as they arise or to have direct access to services or support. GDPR won't be breached. It is not about sharing what your daughter has said with you. It is to help continue to maintain a safe environment for your child.
This will have been discussed with your DD.

jessstan2 · 10/04/2021 02:15

I agree with you op but it is possible she has asked the mental health services to speak to you.

Holly60 · 10/04/2021 07:16

I know that confidentiality is promised unless it is deemed that the patient is a danger to themselves or others so I would assume that they believe you need to know because of one of these.

Original poster
User544444 · 10/04/2021 09:46

I don’t exactly know the full extent of it. She wasn’t planning to tell me but I got a call from an unknown number which I mentioned to her as she was in the same room. I would have answered if I had known it was them.

OP posts:
Porcupineintherough · 10/04/2021 10:05

If she's a danger to herself or others (esp you) they have a duty to share that information with you as you live together. They wont got into details of what she's said in therapy.

Original poster
User544444 · 10/04/2021 11:01

I don’t believe she’s a danger to me as she’s never been a risk to anyone else but herself. I guess I will find out what the issue exactly is when they call back which I assume they will.

OP posts:
PerspicaciousGreen · 10/04/2021 11:12

It's quite possible they have failed to do their duty in terms of getting her consent and just "reckon" you'd like to know and you will be told stuff you shouldn't be. Mental health services do breach confidentiality, and if they do please complain.

Equally, she might have consented to you being informed or even asked them to tell you if she would struggle to tell you herself.

Or, there might be a serious safety issue that they are duty bound to inform you of as she lives with you - e.g. plans to harm herself.

If possible, I would try to talk to her before talking to them. If nothing else, let her know that you respect her autonomy as an adult and you don't want to pry into her affairs.

Original poster
User544444 · 10/04/2021 11:21

I have asked her she won’t tell me. She’s said she didn’t give them consent but he (her CPN. said he had to tell me.

OP posts:
MargaretThursday · 10/04/2021 11:39

I would be surprised if it wasn't on her request. With dd, even when she was young teen, it was firmly established that they would tell me only if she wanted it.
She may not want you to know that she has asked them to either.

LeoTimmyandVi · 10/04/2021 11:52

I think this will be a case of her having said something that cannot be kept confidential due to a plan to harm herself or others. When I talk to clients about these things I always say our conversations are confidential unless I hear something that means I need to keep them or others safe. So the CPN will have to share that with you as her support network so a crisis plan can be put in place.

Hopefully it will all become a bit clearer once you have spoken to the crisis team.

PriestessofPing · 10/04/2021 11:58

If she really didn’t want them to tell you then they’ve had to make a judgment call to break that confidentiality. They can do that if they think it is in her best interests but should not have made that decision lightly so in this case i’d be pretty keen to know what they want to say.

Original poster
User544444 · 10/04/2021 14:52

They spoke to her this morning. They asked her if they could talk to me. She said no. They then asked if there was a reason why she wouldn’t let them talk to me. I’m wondering now if she’s trying to hide something.

OP posts:
Tinydinosaur · 10/04/2021 15:18

My doctor did this. I was a risk to myself. It meant I didn't talk to him either and didn't get help.

HollowTalk · 10/04/2021 15:24

It's clear that she's said something that they think you should be aware of. It's great that she's talking to her friends but that does depend on how honest she is with them.

Original poster
User544444 · 10/04/2021 15:29

Well I don’t think they will be contacting me again from what she said anyway.

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 10/04/2021 15:34

I would ring them and find out. If they are trying to contact you there is probably a reason. Even if it's just to talk you through preventative measures or signs to look out for that you need to contact dd nurse straight away

SarahBellam · 10/04/2021 15:35

They’re telling you because they need to tell you. This is important. You need to pay attention to it.

Restlessinthenorth · 10/04/2021 15:39

Someone I cared for in a professional capacity refused to share details of his illness with any member of his family (although not living together). I often urged him to as they would undoubtedly have supported him, based on the information he had given to me about them. He chose not to, as was his right, which I fully respected. So very sadly, he later killed himself. His family were understandably outraged that they knew nothing of his suffering. I still stand by my patient's right to have his confidentiality maintained, but boy do I wish he had made a different decision. Things might well be very different now if he had