"Your parents aren't as bad as you make them sound" or maybe they just aren't like that around you?

[shallowhallie]

It pisses me off. The first person I ever opened up to about my parents was a friend in school, who then didn't believe me when she came over as they put on this act in front of her and were so nice.

DH knows my relationship with my parents is strained, but I'm making an effort since my daughter was born as I want her to have grandparents, and admittedly they are a lot better with her than with me.

But over the years DH has found out the gritty details of growing up in my house, parents constantly at each other's throats, always using us kids as weapons against eachother, the constant lies, my dads affairs, my mums alcoholism, my mum pretending to have cancer for over a year because we were all teens, dad was having one of his affairs and she wanted more attention, my dads vile temper and how he used to spank us as tiny kids, name calling was frequent. I know they were both struggling mentally, and I see now reasons for a lot of it, they were bankrupt, stressed, I'm sure my mum would be on the spectrum if that had been a thing when she was young, there was lots of us kids to feed. I tried to give a clean slate and move past, the past. I don't see them alone, but when DH and DD are there they are different and I can get on ok with them.

But we just got off a family zoom and they were laughing and joking and DH said after it ended, "your parents are great, they're nothing like how you always described them" sorry? Just because they aren't like that around you DOESN'T mean they aren't like that?

I've not told anyone all the details besides DH, but a lot of times when I was young it had been obvious things weren't great at home and then when friends came over they wouldn't believe me as my parents put on this facade.

I'm not sure why I'm posting. I'm just angry that they're the ones putting on an act but I'm the one that gets questioned!

I believe you because I have similar issues. Friends say my parents are so nice etc etc but that's the m.o of abusers, it's how they get away with it. My mother was the worst and I refuse flatly to speak to her.

OP,
Why would your husband say that knowing your background.
Why would he say something that could obviously only do one thing, hurt you.

Is he thick as shit or deliberately wishing to hurt you?

That is the real question?

Why are you so desperate for your children to have grandparents at any cost?

I would be furious at your husbands remark.

He is disloyal and his remark was an extremely disloyal thing to say to you.

I would spell it out clearly to him.
I would also look at him a bit differently.

Disloyal or thick as shit???

Neither are a good look for him.

Wishing you the best, I can only imagine how upsetting this would be.

I believe you. So many people are surface level pleasant. Be assertive and point out he's essentially calling you a liar. Don't let a lazy take on a good distanced conversation overrule your experience.

I am on the side of anyone with abusive parents, having grown up in a dysfunctional household myself.

The only thing I will say for your husband is on the one hand, he’s meant to be comfortable with his children spending time. On the other hand, those people are meant to have had a history of being abusive to his wife. He’s not mired in the same fear/obligation/guilt dynamic that I suspect you still are. So for him to make sense of the situation, one of those things can’t be true.

I agree with past posters that your children are probably better off without “grandparents” who did not parent well and have done nothing to acknowledge and repair those relationships now

sorry, that should say you and your children spending time with them.

There's a reason why the expression "wolf in sheep's clothing" exists. Some people are very different behind closed doors. My mum was too.

It really is worth remembering that when most people say “I can’t believe those seemingly nice people did those bad things” they generally do not mean that they don’t believe the victims.
Just like “I can’t believe how much it snowed this year” or “I can’t believe David Bowie died” it’s an expression of astonishment not actual literal belief.