"Your parents aren't as bad as you make them sound" or maybe they just aren't like that around you?

[shallowhallie]

It pisses me off. The first person I ever opened up to about my parents was a friend in school, who then didn't believe me when she came over as they put on this act in front of her and were so nice.

DH knows my relationship with my parents is strained, but I'm making an effort since my daughter was born as I want her to have grandparents, and admittedly they are a lot better with her than with me.

But over the years DH has found out the gritty details of growing up in my house, parents constantly at each other's throats, always using us kids as weapons against eachother, the constant lies, my dads affairs, my mums alcoholism, my mum pretending to have cancer for over a year because we were all teens, dad was having one of his affairs and she wanted more attention, my dads vile temper and how he used to spank us as tiny kids, name calling was frequent. I know they were both struggling mentally, and I see now reasons for a lot of it, they were bankrupt, stressed, I'm sure my mum would be on the spectrum if that had been a thing when she was young, there was lots of us kids to feed. I tried to give a clean slate and move past, the past. I don't see them alone, but when DH and DD are there they are different and I can get on ok with them.

But we just got off a family zoom and they were laughing and joking and DH said after it ended, "your parents are great, they're nothing like how you always described them" sorry? Just because they aren't like that around you DOESN'T mean they aren't like that?

I've not told anyone all the details besides DH, but a lot of times when I was young it had been obvious things weren't great at home and then when friends came over they wouldn't believe me as my parents put on this facade.

I'm not sure why I'm posting. I'm just angry that they're the ones putting on an act but I'm the one that gets questioned!

I suppose the school friend can be forgiven for being young but I think its really rude to assume you have the better insight to someone's parents compared with someone who has actually grown up with them.

Yes it's really put my back up. DH knows I've struggled to move past. Me and a couple of my siblings have all had counselling to try and accept things that happened and for him to act like I've lied about it all makes me really angry

I wonder if some people just see the world really simply if that makes sense. Like how someone acts in one situation or with one person is how they just are rather than understanding that people can put on different faces.

I'm lucky as my DH sees straight through my mother's facade. My Mum is sweetness and light to me when others are around and a knob when we are alone. Still tries to control me in my 30s.

What an insensitive knob! How can one Zoom meeting cancel out all the stuff you must have told him over the years??

Has he seen any of their bad behaviour since he has known them?

Your parents current day to day life is different they too on a certain level are different. Under stress it can easily all revert back and maybe with maturity some of their coping skills have improved but it doesn’t change the past for you.

I get it and believe your version of events, as can relate to this.

I did this to my DH. I had a very difficult childhood with a mother who was section but despite all the hurt, my parents truly loved me and did all they could for me. So I assumed my in laws were like my parents...for years... right up until our children were born! Then the behaviour they had always done to my DH moved onto the kids too & it was unbearable for me. When the kids were little, I was desperate for everyone to see “my truth” and Strangers round the country who I met in toilet queues know the awful things they said to me just after our first child was born and I nearly died. I now feel sorry for them. Someone once said I would one day but I certainly didn't believe that at the time! They’ll never have the wonderful things and love I have because they can’t give it.

What I would say to your husband is: is lovely that you wouldn’t be so two faced so you can’t contemplate how they are but fuck off being so unsupportive of me as to say that.
I don’t know him, of course, but IMO people say comments like that to upset you not because they actually believe what they’re saying.

That's crappy of him. What does he expect? Abusers don't come with a sign stamped on their forehead or confirm to stereotypes of weird loners,. They're you're relative, neighbour, coworker etc. Abusers are great at faking normal . Theyre not stupid & don't do their crap when you have support around. If it helps the other Mums in our road growing up thought my DM was a perfect mother. The face she showed to them (& my Dad) was exemplary. I'd be telling him very firmly that he's unsupportive & naive .

He was very insensitive to say that but it’s possible that he really wasn’t trying to invalidate your experience or imply it wasn’t true.
He’s probably just astounded people can appear so nice and not be. It’s totally understandable to find that hard to get your head round.

If he’s a decent person otherwise I’d advise saying to him at a calm moment that when he says things like that it makes you feel disbelieved or unheard and could he watch what his words are implying. If he’s a good man he’ll get it or try to.

I get it. My mother was incredibly difficult. I tried to open up to a friend about her, and was told that all mums are like that. She also said she didn't understand why I got stressed and anxious sometimes, because 'you had a lovely normal childhood, it's not like you were abused or anything'.
Yet same friend posted that ridiculous meme on Facebook about 'my door is always open' and is ever-so-sympathetic about other people and says a lot that 'we' don't realise how lucky we are.
I never got a chance to tell her about childhood abuse as she shut me down fast.
I hear you OP, and completely understand.

I would be really upset at that, Op.

It's really common for people to not believe what they don't experience, I think it comes down to a lack of understanding about abusive dynamics. Your husband needs to try and understand more and I would hope it was just a throwaway comment.

OP I relate to this so much, very similar experience to you growing up but outwardly my parents seem normal. My partner told me he thinks I ‘remember my childhood being worse than it really was because your parents seem normal and you don’t act like you had a problematic upbringing.’ It really really hurt because it just felt like my entire experiences of my childhood were being invalidated, even not believed x

That’s really hurtful. Can you talk to your dh about how that has made you feel? Something I’ve found very difficult about an upbringing similar (though not so bad) as you describe is constantly feeling guilt and wondering if it really was as bad as I thought. (It was.) A comment like your dh’s would set me spinning but most people just don’t get it if they haven’t experienced similar. I hope you’re ok

Forgot to add, as others have said, I do think it’s being able to not comprehend what you haven’t experienced, my partner is from a household with two parents who adore each other and had a very peaceful upbringing. He definitely wasn’t trying to upset me with what he said, I think he just actually can’t understand it

I'd have lost my shit at that to be honest. It's awful not being believed about an awful childhood, people think that child abuse means broken bones or sexual abuse (which are of course horrific). Mental abuse is often lessened to 'maybe you were over sensitive', or 'you don't know what your parents were dealing with at the time, give them a break'. My parents were often just under the radar violent, excusable slaps that didn't bruise, or cuts that could be explained away as not having something thrown at you or grabbed in a temper. So many people denied what happened until my parents got ill/passed away. Suddenly they felt they could say how they always knew what an arse they were .

I'd be very clear to your husband. Tell him never to deny your abuse again, that whatever act your parents put on is just that, and is typical bully behaviour/personality. He has no right to undermine everything they did to you because he finds them 'nice' for 5 minutes.

Those who had non-abusive childhoods can never understand (thankfully) what it was like, the effects on you or the fact that people who are abusive aren't abusive 100% of the time.

He's being insensitive but it's due to his ignorance, I'd be explaining to him exactly why his judgement is so hurtful and wrong.

I don't know. Everyone would say the same about my mum I suppose if they didn't know her before. I wouldn't assume he doesn't understand, more that he hasn't had experience of abusive parents.

Whilst my childhood was traumatic, neglectful and violent, anyone who met my mother now (50yrs later) would wonder what on earth I was talking about. She's charming, generous, friendly and has completely wiped our past from her memories.

Tell him how the comment made you feel and get past it. Don't let her ruin your future as well as your past. Of course if he said 'I think you are lying' then just get rid.

I believe you

I fucking hate the “you only have one dad/ mum” or “I would give anything to have my mum back” type comments.

Those people are lucky they do not understand.

@nokidshere - that’s an interesting mindset I agree with and I shall ponder on myself: don’t let them ruin your future too.

This is one of the reasons I don't think abusive parents get a chance to grandparents.

Please stop sacrificing your dc to appease your dps.

I am nc with dm and no way on earth would she be seeing my dc...
My dc are more than fine without dgps.

People can be like that I'm afraid.

I'm NC with my parents and have been for about 8 years. When me and DH got together I was in contact with them although the relationship was always strained. However when he met them he was all 'oh they were actually quite nice, I was expecting monsters from what you've described!'.

Well, one night I went to visit them alone (a very very rare thing) and they started being horrible to me. I went out of the room and called DH to pick me up (they lived in the middle of nowhere). While was on the phone my parents came in, I dropped the phone but it stayed connected. DH heard everything.

He never doubted me again and I've never spoken to them since.

The point of this story is that they will present the image to people that they want people to see. Even my own brother doesn't really know how they treated me growing up and he lived in the same house.

Don't let it undermine you or sort of unintentionally gaslight you (if that's a thing!). Your experience is valid and your truth is your truth.

Also, I have three children who have never met my parents. They don't need those grandparents and deserve to be protected. You don't need to let your parents have access to your children, they haven't exactly earned that privilege.