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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think non resident parents should actually spend their time with their children when they have them?

27 replies

frustratedtoandfro · 08/04/2021 18:28

My ex and I share our daughter with this schedule -

Week one - he has her Friday after school till Monday drop off at school.

Week two - he has her Wednesday after school till Thursday drop off at school.

However, he keeps dropping her at his mums whenever he can. For instance last night he picked her up then dropped her for a play date where she had dinner, he then picked her up and dropped her at his mums so he could go do his hobby for an hour - his hobby group also runs a Monday and Thursday so he can go then and he also picked Wednesday night to have our daughter!

Also today he dropped her off at 3pm and she hadn't even had lunch, when I text him about this, his response was, 'Sorry, I thought it was more appropriate to spend some quality time playing with her, especially since she had a late breakfast'. I mean honest to god!

On his weekends she spends most of the days at his mums as he is working. Now he is self employed so he can pick and choose his hours. His business does not need to be carried out every single weekend, he has all during the week and every second weekend to work yet he chooses to work over spending time with her. He fought me for years about weekends and until this past year I had never had a weekend to myself as he just point blank refused to have her weekends.

This changed when I went to a lawyer about a schedule and he was told to split weekends as that was fair.

I'm just so worried though that he's not spending much time with her and how this will affect her. I just think out of the 8 nights he has her a month can he not just dedicate that time to her?

OP posts:
AmandaHoldensLips · 08/04/2021 18:32

Most men would rather saw their leg off than parent their own kids.

WhatWouldPhyllisCraneDo · 08/04/2021 18:34

I'm kind of torn.

Part of me thinks yes of course they should.

But otoh my Dad would often take me to his parents on his contact days and then disappear helping his Dad with something and I'd spend time with my Nana/Aunties and cousins which I loved as much as spending time with Dad. Especially the rare occasions when we went clothes shopping and Auntie would treat me to things my Mum wouldn't have allowed Grin

Original poster
frustratedtoandfro · 08/04/2021 18:35

It's pathetic to be honest. I mean we all can't be arsed parenting at times I'm sure, it's hard work but what's the alternative? To neglect our kids? Imagine we all behaved like that, pisses me off!

OP posts:
Original poster
frustratedtoandfro · 08/04/2021 18:44

@WhatWouldPhyllisCraneDo yeah I understand that, but daughter is always moaning knowing she's going to her grand. She loved her gran to bits but gets bored going there all the time and would rather spend it with her dad.

OP posts:
oohmama · 08/04/2021 18:45

Most men would rather saw their leg off than parent their own kids

This 😭😭😭

Original poster
frustratedtoandfro · 08/04/2021 18:46

Sorry for typos, no idea what happened there.

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 08/04/2021 18:47

I don’t mean to be harsh, but I think your choice is either to go back to the schedule where he didn’t have her on weekends, or accept he’s going to use his mum to care for her.

Unfortunately you can’t make him parent her.

I’d probably take back the weekends to myself.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 08/04/2021 18:48

^^
I’m a single parent who is divorced so I understand your position.

Jammysod · 08/04/2021 18:49

@AmandaHoldensLips

Most men would rather saw their leg off than parent their own kids.
I think you mean 'some' men. The majority of the men I know are excellent parents.

You're right though OP, he should be prioritising his child.

WhatWouldPhyllisCraneDo · 08/04/2021 18:57

[quote frustratedtoandfro]@WhatWouldPhyllisCraneDo yeah I understand that, but daughter is always moaning knowing she's going to her grand. She loved her gran to bits but gets bored going there all the time and would rather spend it with her dad. [/quote]
Oh that's different then. :(

Happycat1212 · 08/04/2021 19:01

My ex doesn’t have our kids at all, I would rather this than him just not seeing them at all 🤷‍♀️

Original poster
frustratedtoandfro · 08/04/2021 19:44

@Happycat1212 you might prefer that but it's still not ideal and hold men to a very low standard.

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 08/04/2021 19:49

Thinks it's one of those things you just have to grit teeth and say nothing. It's his time and how he chooses to use it - can take a horse to water etc. She sounds well looked after by nan at least. Is there stuff she could take with her to make nana house more interesting?

Happycat1212 · 08/04/2021 19:53

frustratedtoandfro it’s not that, it’s more cases of abuse I think about as my sister didn’t tell her ex her address as he was abusive, same with my ex if I move he won’t be getting my address because he was abusive and use to just show up in the middle of the night so I don’t think there should be any rules on parents having to have their exes address

Original poster
frustratedtoandfro · 08/04/2021 19:56

@Happycat1212 obviously when abuse is involved it's a completely different scenario and of course you should do all you can to keep yourself and your children safe. There was no abuse in my situation thankfully.

OP posts:
IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 08/04/2021 20:08

Yes I agree it should be spent with the child. However many resident parents drop children off to relatives or book sitters etc so for some they don’t see it as the norm to spend their free time with their children.

Original poster
frustratedtoandfro · 08/04/2021 20:12

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss yeah I agree with that also. I very rarely get a sitter, I arrange my plans around when she is at her dads.

OP posts:
bedtimeshoes · 08/04/2021 21:48

Dropping daughter back at 3pm, having had no lunch is not acceptable in my book.

Rainbowqueeen · 08/04/2021 22:00

I agree with you completely. However nothing you say will change what he does.
How old is DD ?
Has she told him how she feels? I think that’s her best chance of getting him to change is to day to him dad I want to spend time with you.

Once she is old enough her wishes will be taken into account.

There are a lot of men who don’t seem to understand that if you want to have a good relationship with your child throughout their lives you need to invest. So many seem to think that they can do what they like and then when they are ready for that close relationship then their child will also be ready. Instead their child is often resentful, hurt and not interested.

GizmoBasil · 08/04/2021 22:15

Most men would rather saw their leg off than parent their own kids

Most men would rather saw their own leg off than not see their children, and I say this as someone who's dad walked out when I was 6 never to return.

AnneElliott · 08/04/2021 22:21

I agree with you op - if you only see them for less than 50% of the time then I can't understand why you would palm them off? But I have friends who have similar with their exes. And society seems set up to praise dads for doing the most basic parenting.

MrBrightside1980 · 08/04/2021 22:24

@AmandaHoldensLips

Most men would rather saw their leg off than parent their own kids.
Erm, no
UseMyName · 08/04/2021 22:31

We can’t control who our children are with when it’s their time with the other parent, it’s really down to him to step up and spend time with her.

Theunamedcat · 08/04/2021 22:35

My ex used to dump the kids off on his parents and would "play xbox" with the eldest and ignore the youngest it came home to roost though because his youngest prefers his step grandad and nanny and won't see him now because he won't hand him over to his grandad (who has passed but ds has sen and doesn't quite understand) he thought they were daddy's boys turned out they prefer his mum he argued with his mum so doesn't see her that much

Wishitsnows · 08/04/2021 22:37

These type of men also seem to find girlfriends very quickly who end up looking after their kids. Seen it with many of my guy friends and just can't understand why a woman would want to do this.

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