AIBU to want my DC out of my bedroom?

[Rainallnight]

Two DC, aged 4.5 and 2.5. I’ve recently become so pissed off by what a mess they leave my bedroom in and then I realised that they play in there a lot.

In some ways, I want them to feel relaxed in our bedroom. My family when I was growing up was very strict and tense with all sorts of spoken and unspoken rules and I really want my kids to be relaxed at home.

But at the same time, they hang out in our room, play there, do colouring on the bed etc. And I’m fed up with it being trashed.

They have their own room - shared - which is ok but to be fair doesn’t have a lot of space for playing. And there’s a room downstairs with has tons of toys and lots of room for playing.

AIBU?

Having a tense home atmosphere with unspoken rules is totally different from having a house with clear, spoken rules and consequences. IMO it's much better to ask for what you want than to be silently fuming, especially with young children where you can't expect them to figure things out for themselves or have a lot of emotional intelligence.

I personally have no problem with our DC being in our bedroom, and often suggest that our 3yo has a lie down in "the big bed" as a "treat". We often end up with a few board books scattered around from reading to them first thing in the morning, and if it bugs me I ask the 3yo to tidy them up. That said, I ask them not to touch our stuff, including things which are out on the bedside table or which I've left on the floor by the bed. I'm not massively protective of it as "our space", but I also don't want my bedside bits fiddled with or broken or lost.

At 4.5yo, they are well capable of understanding instructions like "From now on, I'd like you and Sibling not to go into the grown ups bedroom by yourselves. We can still have bedtime in there, but I'd like to start keeping it just for the grown ups at other times." It doesn't have to be punitive - you don't have to mention past messes at all. Just say, "From now on, we're going to do X." And think in advance of a reasonable consequence of you do find they've been in there at other times. Maybe, "If you don't stick to it, we'll have to put a lock on the door and stop having our big cuddly bedtime in there."

If you do want to get them out completely, you could buy some beanbags/floor cushions for bedtime.

Got kids into their pyjamas in the bathroom after bath, and then back to bathroom for teeth (yes we did teeth in the bedroom ). Small steps.

You are making changes OP.
Well done👏

YANBU. Put a bolt on the outside of the door, that’s what we did. Keeps them out when you want them out but easy to let them in at the right time.

I don’t really see myself having bolts on any of our doors

Ok. Well it helped us when we had roaming children that wouldn’t stay out of rooms we didn’t want them in.

It’s to keep them out not in!

What's the size difference between the rooms? Would the children's room fit your double bed and whatever furniture you need? I ask because you say you aren't in your room much, would it make sense to swap rooms with the children - if the children tend to play in that room because its a lovely big bright room. Swap and make a real child free sanctuary of your new room and an inviting children's room of theirs.

My children have never played or hung out in my room although they can come in if they have a problem, and the non sleeper used to sleep in our bed sporadically depending whether I was desperately trying cosleeping or desperately trying to settle him in his bed instead of on my head... None of them would ever have played in our room though, and nobody eats upstairs in our house, including us! That's a rule I'm glad we set in stone from the start as I now have teens!

That is a really interesting idea @UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme. I’ve never thought of that. Their room is a good bit smaller though we could certainly fit our bed etc into.

They do also have the run of downstairs too though!

My DD doesn’t go in my room. I’ve not outright banned her but from a young age she knows that it’s where I’d hide her bday presents so she wasn’t to go and look else she doesn’t get them (I genuinely had nowhere else to put them) and it’s just stuck and even now she’ll ask to go in there if there’s something she wants which isn’t often. We always did bedtime stories in her room though.

We have a rule in the house that no kids can play on a made bed. In practice, this means that the dens, pillow fights and general faffing in bed takes place early in the morning or just before bed. Once the bed is made, it's not to be disturbed.

Definitely no eating or drinking in my bedroom. If they want milk, they have it in their own beds. Although do remember that milk drinking is meant to be pre-teeth brushing only. Dentist went on at me about this only the other day.
I really don't want my kids in my room that much, I have nice wallpaper, the cushions arranged just so and it feels like my own sanctuary. My DP also really hates them being in there. Do your kids ever fall asleep or come in to your bed? I realised that was making my DD feel like it was her bed as well. It's NOT! I don't mind morning cuddles, but we all sleep in our own beds.

OP - can you change their beds to floor beds? It will make the rooms more accessible and you can still cuddle up.

@overthecorona I love the "no disturbing a made bed" rule!

@PerspicaciousGreen yes my youngest has ended up telling people how we can't go into mummy's room because it's the BED'S SLEEPING TIME! Whatever works, I say.. even awake/asleep beds!