AIBU to want my DC out of my bedroom?

[Rainallnight]

Two DC, aged 4.5 and 2.5. I’ve recently become so pissed off by what a mess they leave my bedroom in and then I realised that they play in there a lot.

In some ways, I want them to feel relaxed in our bedroom. My family when I was growing up was very strict and tense with all sorts of spoken and unspoken rules and I really want my kids to be relaxed at home.

But at the same time, they hang out in our room, play there, do colouring on the bed etc. And I’m fed up with it being trashed.

They have their own room - shared - which is ok but to be fair doesn’t have a lot of space for playing. And there’s a room downstairs with has tons of toys and lots of room for playing.

AIBU?

Oh, it’s also complicated by the fact that we do bedtime in there. So milk, PJs, stories etc all happens in there which I suppose adds to their sense that it’s ‘their’ room.

YANBU, they have a room and playroom!

I don’t really have my 3 year old in my room except cuddles in bed on weekend mornings. Not barred from it, I just don’t want to encourage playing in here when the entire rest of the house is full of toys and pens and books and magazines and general mess. I need one room that I don’t have to tidy at the end of the day.

Yes, that’s it @JeanClaudeVanDammit. I spend SO much time tidying, I just want there to be one place I can lie down and relax in.

You can have house rules without being strict and tense. Mummy's bedroom is only for cuddles in bed, no playing, no colouring and no snacking.

How come you don't do bedtime in their own bedroom?

It’s tricky to do bedtime anywhere else though. DS is in a cot bed and DD has little sides on her bed because she’s a crazily mobile sleeper. So there’s nowhere else for us all to cuddle up for stories

You're not being unreasonable. Stop with the bedtime routine in your room, they are old enough to go straight to bed in theirs, and stop allowing them to bring toys into your room. When mine were little, only books were allowed to be brought into my bedroom.

Yeh, I’d be discouraging them from playing in your room. You don’t have to completely ban them, they don’t need to be drinking/eating/playing in your bedroom though

I think at these ages its quite important for children to start to feel that the parents have a life of their own as a couple, their own spaces etc. Of course with small babies and little toddlers its different, but at the ages yours are, you could think about reclaiming your own space a bit.

You perhaps have a gut instinct that your children need/are ready for this which might be why it is now in your mind.

I think it is psychologically an important developmental step for children to learn that the parents do have a life together - outside of their role as "mum" and "dad" to the children.

I don't think you need to be too strict about it - I certainly don't lock mine out or have rigid rules.

But I keep it at the back of my mind - I don't do my son's bedtime story in our bed for example, I ask my children to leave the room if I am getting dressed (tbf they do this of their own accord!) or want private time to make a call.

I'd shift the bedtime elsewhere as a starting point. Inyo their bedroom if you can.
Id then just start shooing them out when they pile in with the crayons etc. They have other places to do this.
Is it because you spend alot of your time in there that they just gravitate towards you?
But you are defiantely not unreasonable for wanting to reclaim that space!

Yanbu, my 4 and 5 year old are not allowed in my room. It's my space with my things in and I want it left alone. To the point I put a lock on the door so they cant go in there. They have their own rooms and free rein in the rest of the house. I dont even really need to lock the door anymore as they just know not to go in there. I think it teaches them respect for other peoples things aswell.

No way.
Dd was never allowed in my room without permission unless I was in it.

I’m really not in there that much @LittleOwl153. But if I am, they’ll gravitate toward me and stay. Or if they’re up there for any reason, like going to the loo, they just gravitate towards there too.

It is a lovely big-ish bright room. But trashed.

DD is only allowed in our room if one of us is in there or she is getting something. So cuddles in the morning, of course, taking toys in to play by herself, absolutely not. Food is only allowed in the kitchen or living room, where the dining table is, NEVER in anyone's bedroom. Move the bedtime routine at the same time as making it an adult, food-free room or they won't understand the difference.

Wow, strong boundaries here. This is really good to hear, a bit of a wake up call for me.

For people suggesting doing bed time in their room, it’s tricky logistically, see my earlier post.

Do the story downstairs, or maybe get a beanbag chair in the kids room to snuggle on. Put a latch high up on the outside of your door so they cant go in there when you're not there.

@Rainallnight

Wow, strong boundaries here. This is really good to hear, a bit of a wake up call for me.

For people suggesting doing bed time in their room, it’s tricky logistically, see my earlier post.

One suggestion would be to tuck then in, give cuddles and kisses and then sit on the floor between them to do the story.

Then you can do more cuddles and kisses at the end.

Not unreasonable at all. My bedroom is my bedroom and is not exactly off limits but there is a clear distinction between them coming in to spend time with us and it being a playroom. My room is for DH and I to sleep (or otherwise) in, not for children to play in. They don't need to take over all the rooms of a house either.
I was thrilled when they hit between 3 and 5 years old and could play unattended in their own rooms (albeit in a bungalow so all on the same level) and I dragged every single toy out of my living room and it felt wonderful. Like when your house feels clean and neat and practically bare after taking down the Christmas decorations.

My kids are discouraged from being in my bedroom without us. DH and I don't exactly have a lock on our private bedside drawer where our non child suitable toys live!!

You are making a problem for yourself. My two don't share a room but we do bedtime bath etc in my room and then it's off to theirs for stories. When they are in bed I sit next to them for stories. Also we have a toy box in my room, but not for playdough, crayons and messy items. Create a small playspace for those things if you can. Dc are very welcome to come into my room and play but I still decide on the rules and what goes on in there.

I found making our DC tidy up after themselves, including re-making the bed and leaving everything EXACTLY as they found it really put them off using it as a playroom.

My DS aged 7 loves going into our room and sprawling on the king sized bed with a toy or a book. He finds it super comfy and it gives him peace and quiet away from his little brother. As a result we do wind up with lots of toys left there, so I get what you mean. We let him do it, but are making him collect all the toys and take them back to his own room at the end of the day.

@Rainallnight

It’s tricky to do bedtime anywhere else though. DS is in a cot bed and DD has little sides on her bed because she’s a crazily mobile sleeper. So there’s nowhere else for us all to cuddle up for stories

Bedtime should only involve a cuddle up in bed, reading stories and then they go to bed though? It should not include creating any more mess than needing to pull the duvet straight when they get up. I would give them milk somewhere else. They are old enough for it not to need to be an immediately before bed thing.

I think you need to disassociate your bedroom from being a play area. Cuddles in morning in bed - great. Cuddles and story at bedtime - fantastic. Chat to mum while she is getting ready in the morning - lovely. Playing on the floor - go somewhere else please.

Kids are banned from my room. They arnt allowed to set foot in there unless I'm in bed and they ask to come in for a cuddle. Mainly because I keep all the nice things in there they would trash otherwise.

We do story either on bean bags in their room or on sofa downstairs.

Boundaries are good IMO.

We had the only eating at the table.
Toys in the playroom which was tidied up every day.
Anything that leaked into another room was returned.
No toys in the adult sittingroom.
One of the best things I taught my children was that they had to tidy up after themselves.
They had to puck up after themselves.
It definitely took time and effort but I knew that if I didn't it was going to cause conflict.

As teens they can be messy but interrupting them repeatedly to come and collect this, hang this up, put that back etc. pissed them off so much they quickly learned life was easier on them if they just put their shoes in a box upon entering the house, hung their coat after taking it off, giving lunch boxes etc if they wanted a lunch the following day...all self interest.

I had no intention of breaking my back picking up toys everyday.
Also when they are young toys in the bedroom can distract from sleep so we kept to soft toys and books.

As mine entered their teens, our very large playroom wasn't appealing so two large corduroy super comfortable sofas were the answer.

If a room is cosy and comfortable they will gravitate to it.
Move the night time routine immediately to their bedroom and look hard at the playroom to make it more appealing.

Theres a reason our parents barred us from playing in their rooms!

Mine do play in mine, but are made to tidy up anything they bring in. Unsurprisingly they tend to play elsewhere.