I became pregnant for the first time after five years of trying to conceive.
When I was around six weeks pregnant, I had a dream of a little girl (aged 2-3) looking at me and smiling. There was no story, and there were no surroundings, just a ‘vision’ of her. When I woke up, I knew this was the baby I was carrying, but for some reason, I wasn’t happy about seeing her in my dream at only six weeks.
I didn’t think much of the dream, and when I was 10 weeks pregnant, I developed a fever. My sister-in-law advised I try to lower the fever with paracetamol as it wasn’t healthy for the baby. I kept trying to lower it during the next two days and would wake up to take my temperature/take paracetamol/use a wet towel. The fever wasn’t going away, and I was feeling increasingly unwell. I was feeling defeated as I wasn’t able to keep the fever down as it would go back up after two hours. At around 4 am, I remember telling God, ‘I can’t do this anymore; it’s okay, you can take the baby’. Thinking back, this was very unlike me, but I was more unwell than I knew.
Later that morning, I started bleeding and began miscarrying. When I arrived at the hospital, they began IV antibiotics. I thought I had the flu, and this killed the baby. It turns out, the baby had already been dead for some time, and I had had a septic missed miscarriage. I didn’t know missed miscarriages existed. Sometimes I think that because I had wanted to become pregnant for so long, my body refused to let go of the baby until my brain said it was okay.
As for the dream, I think I miscarried at six weeks, and it was my little girl saying goodbye to mummy.
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For anyone who’s experienced a loss, I’m so sorry ♥️ I now think they’re waiting for us in heaven, where they’ll stay young forever and never grow old.