To not want to commit to this big wedding in July?

[bananapalms]

I'm very close friends with the bride and absolutely expected to go, 150 guest marquee wedding in mid July.

I've already used work and childcare to jib out of a destination weekend hen do, mostly due to me thinking it isn't a good idea with COVID (cottage for 12 but before the rule of 6/2 household rule officially falls away)

It's getting to the point now where she's messaging the girls group asking where everyone has booked for their accommodation for the wedding weekend as "things are getting booked up". I will need to arrange a weekend of childcare, book travel and accommodation, get a new outfit (actually managed to lose weight in lockdowns 💃🏻).
The thought of committing so much money for the potential for social distancing measures not to have ended by that time and the wedding scaled back makes me a bit nervous.
What do you think the chances are of it actually going ahead? I just can't come to a conclusion about whether it's stupid to commit to expenditure I might not get back.

Do you have childcare or is it difficult?

Can you book somewhere at the low end price wise with free cancellation?

That’s if you want to go, nobody would blame you if you didn’t! I wouldn’t be able to feel good throwing money we don’t have on a risk.

Is she absolutely sure a wedding of that size will go ahead? I wouldn't be betting on it personally.

Just say you can't get childcare so can't go. She can't force you.

Sounds like you don't want to go. Just be polite and send apologies asap, it might well be the end of cooling off of your friendship though.

Otherwise book a hotel with free cancellation and provisionally book in childcare. You can sort a dress/gift nearer the time when you know it's really happening.

Surely you can book accommodation with free cancellation and cancel childcare if things get cancelled? Book travel closer to the time and return any outfits?

What would need to be true for you to be happy booking accommodation and childcare?
Does that fact that it's your close friend getting married factor at all?
The way youve written it sounds a little as though you don't want to commit to going if the party isn't going to be as good as 'normal'.

I agree it sounds like you just don't want to go although you say she's a very close friend?

Do you want to go to the wedding?

If you do then as others have said book somewhere with free cancellation/no pre-payment, hold off booking travel, outfits and gift until nearer.

Booking.com let’s you cancel fairly soon to departure?

July should be ok so maybe go and enjoy yourself!

Book a refundable hotel, buy an outfit closer to the time or buy something you would like anyway. There are things you can do, but I think you don’t really want to go. If you don’t want to go then send your apologies, but be prepared for the friendship not to be the same, people can be funny about their weddings.

I wouldn't want to go either OP.
Just say you can't afford it at this time but all the best.
Unless she wants to pay fot it all, but I doubt it!

It should be possible to book a very cheap or refundable hotel. Everything is up in the air atm and accomodation providers are mostly able to be flexible.
If you just don’t want to go though just say so.

Can't you just book the accommodation now, and sort out everything else closer to the time?

For me, only actual death would stop me going to the wedding of a good friend this year- I have missed my friends and social events so much. But if you really don't want to go, tell her you can't make it, and send a lovely present to make up for it.

I would book a hotel I could get a refund on.

Surely you want to go to your close friend's wedding? Did she come to your wedding?

We have 3 weddings to attend in July and early August, I'm assuming unless something major happens all 3 will take place. It's not occurred to me to not book accommodation for fear of them being cancelled as the accommodation is refundable. She's actually sounds sensible to be checking you have thought to book as everywhere is booking up very quickly for dates during the summer holidays.

I agree with others that it sounds like you just don't want to attend.

How far away is it? Can you go for the day alone and drive home citing childcare as the reason to get back?

Doesn’t sound like she’s a good friend if you don’t go to her hen and want to get out of the wedding as well

It's really rural so the only accommodation within a 10 mile radius of the venue are small independent B&Bs, I had just assumed if I book and it doesn't go ahead I will lose money but I will call round a few and ask, thank you.

She's a really good friend, but I'm assuming if there are limitations on numbers she will (quite understandably) prioritise family, and in that case I'll have a B&B booked in a rural location for a weekend which I wouldn't really otherwise go to - it isn't a touristy area.

Childcare, my mum can have them overnight but I'd need paid childcare both weekend days as she has a clothes shop.

It's not that I don't value her friendship, I don't want to go to the hen because it's breaking the covid lockdown easing and I work in a role where I am public facing so I don't think it's sensible.
I just wondered what the people of mumsnet thought about general lockdown rules easing and the probability of the wedding going ahead. Stupid question I suppose as none of us know!

I had a thread yesterday about potentially missing a good friends wedding due to childcare.

Consensus was go anyway, good friend so have to be there, let DH stay home with the kids. In reality this won't work for me / us.

I actually think you shouldn't have to go even though it's a close friend. People expect way too much of guests, a lot of us just don't have the extra cash or time to want to go to a big wedding and pay out for hotels. And the date for you is v close to end of lockdown. Make a decision as to whether you actually WANT to go.

@WildfirePonie

I wouldn't want to go either OP. Just say you can't afford it at this time but all the best. Unless she wants to pay fot it all, but I doubt it!

Do you normally expect the bridge and groom to pay for all your expenses of attending a wedding? Attending a wedding is something most of us want do for our close friends.

Book something which is fully refundable. Air bnb often have full cancellation up to 24 hours before.
Don't bother getting a new dress etc until nearer the time when it will be clear whether it will go ahead or not.

Realistically, the "road map" might slip by a week, so first week of July might have been iffy, but by mid July, the wedding won't be cancelled due to covid restrictions- at worse it might cancelled for dull old fashioned reasons weddings got cancelled in the past (eg. Bride gets hit by bus the week before, groom runs off with a bridesmaid etc).

So you need to decide if you want to go or not. Is it fear of being back in a big group? Is it worries about how you will cope? Does it feel too much to face, after a year of no social events, or social events with one other household maximum?

This is understandable - I've just agreed to going for dinner in a pub garden (next to a heater!) next week with 3 friends and it seems massive thing to do again.

Life will be getting back to normal soon. There will be events like this happening and you need to face going to them or not. Looking back, do you think you'd regret not going? Hotels have good refund policies now because they know things are up in the air. Childcare can be cancelled- and surely something you'd face if she got married in July 2022. A new outfit doesn't need to be expensive, there are lots of discounts and sales, and if you've changed body shape in lockdown (well done you!), you're going to need a couple of summer dresses anyway.

Of course you don't have to go, you don't have to do anything. I think this is about Covid anxiety though rather than the money and childcare. I was talking about this to a friend last night and we are all feeling quite anxious about getting 'out there' - I think by July that will have passed though and you'll be kicking yourself that you've said no.

If you would have gone gladly two years ago, then I think you need to give yourself a shake and get it organised.

If you'd have been resentful of cost/childcare two years ago then decline.

If you don't want to/can't go just tell her now. I had two drop outs on the weekend for a very small wedding (pre covid) and it was annoying and upsetting. I'd only invited a fraction of the people I wanted to due to the small size of our choice of venue and then we had a bunch of empty seats anyway.

It won't be the end of your friendship. Weddings are odd things. Three years on we're not in touch with some of the people there and close to other new people. One of the drop outs is a close friend. Just do what's right for your family

I had just assumed if I book and it doesn't go ahead I will lose money but I will call round a few and ask

If anything i'be found it's the opposite at the minute. Accommodation places are being generous with their cancellation policies. I booked recently for a summer wedding, and every single one allowed cancellation until quite close to the date booked, and lots didn't even ask for deposits upfront etc.

Oh and if you aren't going to go, don't leave it to the last minute to drop out as you have a "childcare crisis" or "cant get a hotel room", when that is of your own making now. Face her upset and decline now when she can either invite someone else or reduce the numbers she's paying for.