Losing my mind on postnatal ward

[newmum0604]

Had my first baby Tuesday evening, over the moon, she is perfect but I'm scared for my mental health right now. I have slept a total of 1.5 hours since Sunday night.

They won't 'let' me leave til they see her feeding well, without someone helping me. I understand where they are coming from but I'm finding it pretty fucking impossible to establish breastfeeding in this environment. I want to be at home, in my own bed, quiet and relaxed.

The issue is she seems to latch on OK but won't keep going for more than a few seconds, stop start like this for maybe 10/15 minutes every 4ish hours. She is sleeping a lot, I could be sleeping too if it weren't for the background noise. But this means I can't think straight about the situation. Every time I started to feed in the first 24 hours someone would appear and take over, so even though she seems content they won't class it as me having actually done anything/being capable. Have expressed into syringes a couple of times, not going to let her starve ffs.

AIBU to switch to formula purely so I can leave in the morning before I completely go over the edge? I know that sounds incredibly dramatic but I genuinely feel on the edge

[catsarebetterthandogs9]

Please don't just leave with no real plan in place.
Your baby needs to feed, if they don't you could end up back in hospital for an even longer stay.

They are too tired to feed, and they're too tired because they haven't fed. You're also probably too tired to produce a good milk supply and the environment isn't helping either, this will improve at home in a safe place.

Your plan could be - attempt breastfeed for 15 mins on each breast (try different positions, strip baby naked, lots of skin to skin). After this feed whether successful or not, top up with formula.

You may find after a few formula feeds and a good energy boost baby wakes enough to feed better at the breast.

Or you could just switch to formula. Midwives just want babies to feed. They don't like keeping women in for no reason, but can't send a none feeding baby home.

You need to care for yourself first, physically and mentally. But please don't just leave intending to try breastfeeding at home because if it doesn't work out then consequences could be serious (I know you didn't suggest this but PP's have).

Also, baby should be feeding at least 3 hourly (8 in 24 hours), and I'd be suggesting 2 hourly for a none feeding baby.

[Januaryblue2020]

Poor you. I remember this feeling exactly. my baby was in special care and they told me he couldn't leave until he'd established feeding. So I was sat in NICU, sobbing, trying to establish breastfeeding in a busy room on a hard chair, having just had major surgery and no sleep in five days. It was hell on earth. I literally felt like a hostage to my babies feeding. In the end I self discharged, went home, and my baby was put on formula (and I fell into severe PND). Is it any wonder that women struggle to breastfeed in this environment? There is such pressure, it was just awful. Any one would feel like youre feeling right now.
My advice to you is, if your baby is healthy, then just get out of there. You'll be much more relaxed at home, the baby won't starve, and if you do have problems feeding you'll be able.to top up with formula or expressed milk without it throwing the breastfeeding off course (I was convinced that once my baby had one sip of formula then breastfeeding was over, but have since learnt that's not the case at all.)
It's all about taking the pressure off, taking care of yourself and healing. Sending lots of love x

[catsarebetterthandogs9]

Apologies, that sounded like I was saying absolutely don't leave.

I meant do leave, but make a good plan first and stick to it.
Be that switching or topping up. Don't go home and continue attempting if baby is too tired without topping up.

[Backtoschool101]

Unfortunately this is a time when you are very vulnerable and not having your partner allowed with you makes you more vulnerable. For the sake of your mental health as pp said you need to unload your balls and demand to go home. Not easy but thinks it the only way

[Tomselleckhaskindeyes]

You have described my situation to a tea. By the fourth day i was a weeping wreck. Then
a midwife gave my conflicting advice and i kicked off. i made a list of demands:

1. private room
   
2. feeding plan
   
3. sleep (no cleaners or staff we allowed on my room so i got two hours sleep before the next feed.
   
   Contact PALs to liaise if needed!!

[stalachtiteorstalagmite]

This happened to me too. After 36 hours on the ward I said "I want to go home" and they said I had to stay in until they were confident in my feeding ability. I managed another 24 hours. It was miserable!! I really sympathise. I'd be tempted to tell them you're switching to formula and discharge yourself.

[Highviolet1]

I had this exact experience. I didn’t have the confidence to tell them that I was going home. I knew my baby would feed well when I calmed down and was in my home environment. It’s so so difficult, but take control of the situation. If you are well and your baby is well, go home.

[Namechange1991x]

I did the same...they said, after 8 days, if you want to breastfeed you can't go. I said that's fine..I was pumping by this point, though didn't do that for long. Do want is best for you.

[muddyford]

Discharge yourself. Not getting enough sleep is so traumatic and hospitals are so bloody noisy. Go home, relax and feed your baby in the way that suits you both best.

[Moonstone1234]

I saved for a private room for all the reasons others have stated. There seems to be no real consideration for the Mum's, partners are coming and going, kids bursting into your cubicle, disgusting take aways, rent a gob people who are constantly on their phones, men using the toilets and making a huge mess (and not clearing up after themselves).

We honestly need to get back to the days of Matrons who ruled the wards and didnt stand any nonsense.

And dont allow partners to stay overnight. My best friend had a chap in the next bed to her who was sneakily peeping through the curtains when he thought she wasnt looking and he then spent most of the night on his phone, arguing with the Mum and then it all started the next day.

[jandlmum]

Hope you don't mind me posting here. I am a mum and a recently practising midwife, but have now moved to educating students. I am doing a research project looking at the care on postnatal wards to highlight the issues that are important to women and families while on the ward.

If you are able to take part, please click here to access the survey: bit.ly/3wtRFJr

I am so sorry to read about the issues you have highlighted above

[Moonstone1234]

Tom - I dont think you can demand a private room. I ha to pay £400 per night for one!

[CouldBeOuting]

When DD was born she didn’t feed from me once in the hospital. It was noisy and busy. When I did fall asleep I woke up to find her in the nursery being fed formula. There was no breast feeding support. I told them I was leaving and they could send as many people as they wanted to my home but I was not staying another night in the hospital.

From the time we got home DD never had another drop of formula and was ebf for well over a year. Obviously I would have given formula if still unable to establish breastfeeding.

Being at home, relaxed and rested is going to be better you and baby.

[WildfirePonie]

Tell them you're switching to formula, and leave. Then try again at home after some sleep and when you feel relaxed. I couldn't do it either OP, with my second I said we're going straight to formula and went home the same day. I only said that because with my first I had to stay for the same reason you are.

[wigglerose]

You have my sympathy OP. I was miserable on mine. At home I would have had my DH's support with nappies and some bloody privacy.
I could hear everything everyone said. It was not nice.

[awaynboilyurheid]

My friend is a midwife on a post natal ward, she said staffing levels are horrendous and she gets upset over the lack of care given to new mothers trying to recover from c sections or establishing breastfeeding. The mothers are in hospital longer supposed to be for help but basic help is sometimes hard to get due to short staff and administration duties which are increasing all the time. Maternal services are shockingly bad and need urgent reviewing.

[Aisforharlot]

My postnatal ward experience was horrific, I had ptsd symptoms for years. Yes, they can keep you prisoner of they want. I begged to leave on day 6, just for a night, so I could feel sane for a few hours. I was completely broken. I said I would be back before 7, they are looking after baby that night anyway. They said they'd charge me with child abanonment. So I couldn't leave, and baby wasn't allowed to leave. Why are exhausted women punished like this? Why can't father's be responsible for care and allow new mothers to sleep?

[BaaHumbugg]

Sorry to jump on thread OP, I am having my second next week and will be FF, last time spent 3 days on ward and agree it was hell on earth.

Thing is how do I assert myself if I want to leave and they try to keep me in again? And how do you know what is best for you and baby, do you just go with your gut? I think I will manage one night but any more than that and I will go insane.

I was hoping to be honest that due to covid the ward might be quieter.

Good luck OP I hope you get home soon, it really is unbearable

[eggsandwich]

This is going back 21 years ago, but I discharged myself for similar reasons as well, I’m now sad to hear that nothing has change on the postnatal wards still.

I would tell them you are discharging yourself and get your partner to collect you.

[tiredmum2468]

Oh @newmum0604 you poor thing

I had this worth my first baby I was in 6 weeks she was premature but it was awful.

I'd discharge yourself they can't make you stay, pack your stuff up, get DP to bring the car seat and get yourself home. Be proactive and phone your health visitor yourself now and book her to come tomorrow and do some checks etc and get home.

There's lots of zoom bf support groups out there youll easily get support once you are out but it sounds very stressful you being in there x

[Heartbreakeyes]

I haven’t read the full thread but didn’t want to read and run - I would get out of there.

I had exactly the same issue when I had my DD last year. I was in the postnatal ward for two nights after DD was born, I’d had a 4 day labour so had a similar amount of sleep and DH was only allowed in for a hour a day given Covid.

Simply I couldn’t deal with it, too much noise, never alone time for just you and baby. Completely impossible to bond and settle to feed in that environment. Then they told me I had to stay a third night because they wanted to see DD feed more. At that point I’d been waited to see the specialist lactation midwife for 24 hours already (not her fault they were clearly overstretched), had seen her for ten minutes and she’d said nothing about me needing to stay. I didn’t feel that I was getting any help with establishing breastfeeding so what was the point in staying? Particularly as all the midwives who had seen DD feed had said her latch was fine.

I just couldn’t stop crying thinking of another night with no sleep listening to all the other mothers in the ward crying. DH came and got me and just told them we were leaving. I had to sign a form saying I was discharging DD against medical advice which made me feel very uncomfortable (particularly as there was nothing medically wrong with her). I was in full baby blues mode then so crying and convinced leaving was going to hurt DD but also that I had no real choice.

Once we got home I was able to sleep and relax and everything got a lot easier. We were lucky to be able to pay for a private lactation consultant to come and see us the next day. She was able to stay with us for a couple of hours, check for tongue tie, check the latch, show us some positions to make things easier, answer any questions and just generally watch a feed and reassure us everything was ok. 6 months on we are still breastfeeding and she is a healthy baby.

I later found out there is a community feeding team who were available for video consultations so that may be an option if you don’t have a local private consultant or if things are tight. My health visitor had the details so I’d ask yours about that.

As for switching to formula, if I’d had some in the hospital I probably would have done it to get out and to stop worrying that DD was not getting enough. However having now got to six months I’m glad I didn’t. In your position I’d be tempted to give baby a small amount to make sure she’s not dehydrated or too hungry to have the energy to feed and keep trying with the breastfeeding. But if you are too tired and just want to get on with formula feeding and move on then that would be 100% understandable. You need to do what’s right for you and so long as baby is fed that’s all that really matters.

Really hope you get out and feel better soon x

[Pinkmoon33]

As everyone else said. Discharge yourself and go home. I had the exact experience as you are having and wish I went home sooner. The community midwives and health visitors can help you establish breastfeeding. Go home and be looked after by your husband.

[Thisgirlcando]

Do what you can to get home. Congratulations on the baby!

[aliensprig]

Definitely go home. My experience of the post natal ward was four days of utter hell. Trying (and failing) to latch my son whilst in the bed opposite there was a woman off her head on drugs, sleeping through the night while her baby rooted and cried and lay in a soiled nappy, shaking from withdrawal. None of the midwives did anything. In the daytime she had her bf (not the baby's dad) over and he stank of weed, they had loud arguments about what to spend their benefits on and again no one did anything about it presumably because the baby was going into care anyway. I had severe pnd and ended up bottle feeding anyway so it was a waste of four days we could've had at home as a family. Nightmare.

[emmylousings]

I'm not medically trained but I recall that my 2 DC's slept a lot in the few weeks and only breastfed for short periods of time initially, they seemed to need just a little, often. I agree you should go home. It takes babies a while to really get the hang of latching on too. If you need to tell them you are going to mix BF and formula, so be it. Again, IME, a bit of formula in the mix does not affect your supply and might help take the pressure off. Good luck!