To find it difficult to go NC with parents

[dundermifflinpapersalesman1]

I just don't understand how people do it. I have tried going low contact but it just doesn't work. My childhood was abusive (mentally, physically and emotionally) when i first -got kicked out- moved out I didn't speak to them for around a year. They moved abroad and every time they come back over to visit they are so needy. It's like they need me to do everything for them. I have a DH, DSD8 and DD1 and they need me to get them this and that, sort this out form them. My DH to sort other things out for them and it just gets too much. They currently want to move back here and they are wanting us to find them somewhere to live. I get that they can't physically look themselves but me and my DH both work full time our free time is spent with DSD and DD. I do have a brother who i have nothing to do with. Although we was brought up in the same house we had very different childhoods. He was gods gift and i was nothing. I think I'm still dealing with a lot that's happened to me so thats probably why things get to me so much. Ive never actually told anyone the full story of what's happened to me growing up. I thought i was over a lot of it until i had my DD.
i suppose I'm just wanting advise on how to deal with things in the future and learning to put boundaries in. It's just so damn hard.

Sorry for the long post.

I went NC with my mum for 3 years. I didn’t speak to her in that time at all. It’s doable

@Happycat1212 how?

Cut her off completely, changed my number, it probably helps that she did not try to contact me either, I suppose it is harder if they don’t accept it

They don't accept it. Just had a call this morning asking to find them somewhere to rent when they move back.

Block their number.. Been nc best part of 20 years.... Dm and df.. Divorced but both toxic.

I’ve been NC with my dad for over 2 years. Just block them then they can’t contact you.

I have experienced very similar. I've been NC and very LC with my Dad for the past 30 years. However 2 years ago she decided to move 20 mins from where I live. She wanted help with looking and finding somewhere and I sent her links to properties but that was all. The golden child helped her move etc. Now she is closer I maintain my boundary for my own sanity. I tell her I'm busy all the time, work commitments and my 3 young kids take 100% of my time. Visits are very limited but I do see her occasionally. I speak to her occasionally. But I'm mostly unavailable. The golden child can take responsibility. You reap what you sow. Be very firm OP, be busy busy busy with your own life. Good luck.

Dad was meant to be DM!

You obviously can't make big announcements or changes as in your personal find that hard source you need tk do it via not being available..

Ie don't ansa the phone.. Don't respond to emails.. Or say.. Things have got extremely busy my end now and I'm sorry but I can't help with the move.. Then respond much slowly to emails.. Don't answer the phone your too busy!!

Gently let them down and pull away..

Eh DH has been NC with his entire family for 10 years now, it's quite easy if you actually want to go full nc, from your post I have a feeling you don't quite want to.

If you changed your number they could be needy as much as they want when they come back over, but not to you, as there would be no way for them to contact you etc.

We got the odd guilt trip message over email for the first year or so from his mother but then we blocked her email address and hey presto, nothing since.

I changed my phone number, email address and will shortly be moving house so no way to contact me.

I keep my parents at arm's length and every time I let them in a bit I regret it. I continue a relationship with them because my DCs like them. If this ever changes, so will the relationship. We are like distant acquaintances to each other.

I think it's harder to be LC than NC. NC is, in my opinion, easy - if you really want to do it. Block their phone numbers, block their email addresses, don't answer the door to them, hang up/delete if they find another way to contact you. Move house and don't tell them! The boundary is so absolute that you know what to do every time. You don't even need "no is a complete sentence" because you don't say anything.

With LC, it's much more difficult because you have to constantly decide what you're willing to do, and once they've got their foot in the door it's so easy for them to push for more. You have to actively maintain your boundaries.

But I completely empathise with the fact that NC is really hard to work yourself up to. People with normal parents get so shocked and horrified by it that it's easy to doubt yourself and persuade yourself that maybe you're the one who's being unreasonable and maybe they will change one day... This is why my husband is in possession of a letter from my past self which he is to present to me if I ever start thinking it probably wouldn't be that bad if I went round to their house...

It sounds like you're not fully committed to being NC if you're still answering the phone to them. I'm not going to tell you if you should or shouldn't, but if you do want to then technology makes it easy for you. Just Google "how to block someone on X" for every way they might contact you. Get your DH involved and ask him to bin any letters unopened and remind you not to answer the door or listen to any messages.

Dear OP, I'm sorry you're in this situation but it is possible to go NC. I did with my biological mother and it was one of the best things I ever did. I refused to see her. I stopped referring to her as Mum and I changed my number. It does sound like you're holding on for them to change but they're not going to and nothing you do will ever be good enough. This is not your fault and you deserve to live your life free from their abuse. You also need space from them so you can work through whatever issues they've left you with.

My df has no idea where I live or how many dc I have.
Dm has never been here..
She did send Woe Is Me letters to my last address - nothing in 6 years here though.

I'm really sorry for you.

I once read a book about people being emotional vampires (my mum bought it to cope with my dad!) and the only thing you can do with people like that, for your own sanity and health, is to have really firm boundaries. Or these people will consume you.

Have you ever had any counselling to deal with your childhood experiences? This may be helpful, especially as these people are still in your life and still exerting control over you. You may find counselling gives you the strength, or almost permission, to put up boundaries and focus on your own needs.

It really sounds, from the abuse you suffered, that having them in your life in any way is detrimental to your wellbeing. X

If they want somewhere to rent then send them the link to Rightmove and they can find what there is available. You searching is no more effective than them doing the searching.

Op isn't a secretary.. Send them one last message to stop contacting you. I left my dm a vm once stating I would seek legal advice should she continue writing to pre teen dd via a friend's house! Guilt tripping shite...

I agree with pp it dosnt actually sound like you completely want to go nc with them, if you do it is that easy, block them everywhere, phone numbers, emails, social media and don't answer the door if they show up unannounced. They will soon get the message.

As someone who went NC with her parents in the 1980s & never went back on it, I agree with some of the posters above: NC is easier than LC, you can only do it when you're ready, you can leave them to others in the family (with a wry smile if they always prioritised those people above you) & writing down now your reasons for wanting to go NC is valuable because the longer you're away from them & in the normal world, the more you forget what they're like because you get used to the normality & start to assume that everyone must be like this.

For me, NC was absolutely worth it, though still painful as it means accepting that you'll never have a happy FOO (family of origin) & will never have supportive parents who are there for you & your own family - but you already don't have supportive parents & nothing will change that. You may feel that you're going against all the societal rules, or your own personal morality, in cutting off your parents, but your parents haven't been playing the game fairly & have no intention of changing now.

Here are some of the unpleasant things that can happen, but I would say don't let them put you off making the decision YOU want to make & feel most comfortable with:

It may be that you feel guilty at first, & you may get 'flying monkeys' who will try to make you feel bad & emotionally blackmail you into seeing your parents again, taking responsibility for them, etc. Stand firm against the FMs. They don't care about your interests in this matter, because they're either representing your parents' interests or their own: sometimes people try to get the escapee back into her old place in the family because without her there, someone else is selected as a target or as the person who will take on the problem of the parents. That's somebody else's problem now. Just tell them you don't want to discuss it.

You may find that if you go NC with one part of the family, another person or group will side with them against you. You can end up losing more people than you originally thought you would - even people you assumed would see the truth/support you. OTOH, some people may surprise you in a nice way, with unexpected support or confirmation of your experiences.

The people you've gone NC with may run a 'smear campaign' against you, by spreading untruths about you. In my case, my parents did it to justify themselves by rewriting history to make me out to be the bad guy in scenarios in which THEY were the bad guys. They needed an answer to the question, "So why isn't Android seeing you any more?" & they couldn't tell the truth. One relative told me years later, & said, "I knew there had to be more to it than that."

Going NC changes things completely, for the better in my case. I've never regretted doing it. I regret the NEED to do it, but I had no choice. I wish things had been different, I tried to make things different, I hoped that things could be different - & then I accepted that things were as they were & would never change, so I removed myself from the situation.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

I think reading some of these replies that people are right. I don't think I'm ready/ strong enough to go completely NC. I do keep hoping they have changed as they are always interested in my DD but i know when they come back I'm not prepared to let them look after her alone. My dad still makes comments to this day about my appereance. Normally my weight. I was a size 8 yet i was still fat, now I'm a size 14 he has something to say. Last conversation he brought up the spots on my face. Told him that wearing a mask for 7.5hrs a day does that to you thanks for pointing it out like. I get so scared to stand up to them and tell them no. I think maybe its from my childhood with them. I don't know. I have thought about them coming back and i think the day they ask for my DD for the day is maybe the day i grow some balls and tell them frankly.

A couple of year ago i did actually stand my ground with them over my wedding. They did nothing in terms of helping plan it or anything yet they tried to dictate who was there. They wanted my brother there and I stood firm saying no. To which my DM said she would be really disappointed if he wasn't there. But i stood my ground. Then they started reading off more family members names whom I don't really know (big spread out family) but i stood my ground. Me and my DH had planned a small cozy wedding not a big thing. We didn't have much money and only wanted to do a small one. I know there would be arguments so wanted to go away just me and him and do it that way. He is really close to his family though and wanted people there so we did a little one. His family helped out massively. I even went dress shopping with my MIL. She helped me plan everything and got me my dress.

I just don't know how to stand up for myself more. They make me feel so small.

I blocked all the family numbers, removed voicemail facility and told them many times to stop contacting me.
She physically tried to get inside my house one evening, so I threatened her with the police. I followed this up with a definition of harassment and a warning that if they came in my street again, I would issue police and court action.

@Aprilshowersandhail argh mine did this too! She still sends birthday cards with guilt tripping in ... I sent one message saying she might as well cease as they go straight in the bin ... and I do just that!

@dundermifflinpapersalesman1, I hate to say this but it would be in your best interests to sort this out before they return. It will be much harder if they are on your doorstep and need looking after. I have a very good friend whose mother (awful selfish woman) had managed to wheeldle her way into her house and she can't get rid of her now because of increasing health issues.

I went NC with my DM years ago. She made it easy for me by giving me an ultimatum, do as I was told as LC not acceptable to her. I walked away and have never regretted it. It meant NC with the rest of my family too because she has manipulated them under her control. Longer have been away the more clearly I see the dysfunction and madness.

Also interesting about golden child DB. Mine has recently fallen out with DM and is falling over himself to be in contact with me again. I was dropped like a hot potato when he was sucking up to her. No chance. Don't trust him and he has always treated me with the same disinterest and callous contempt that my DM trained him in. I was told years ago that he would inherit everything. He can do the old age care then can't he cos I am free!

I haven't had dm at any of my weddings. Df and sm came to my first one. Very accommodating of me since I found out about their wedding 5 days after it had happened..( With all of df's siblings there plus their dc... And the same with sm.)
Sm had a face like a smacked arse all day - which tbh was her every day face!!