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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Partner money issues

41 replies

Hutch19 · 07/04/2021 22:45

Am I being un reasonable to cut a long story short my boyfriend recently asked me to chip in on helping out some of his family members and contribute and send some money over to them , I have never met these people before nor spoken to them what so ever , I was very offended I just think it is a very bold thing to ask of your partner especially if you have never met them said family members asking for money .I didn’t want to seem rude by saying I didn’t want to contribute but I felt like he just dismissed my reasons for not wanting to as just being rude or a bitch because they are more in need than us . Any advice would be helpful

OP posts:

lydia2021 · 07/04/2021 22:50

I think it depends how long you have been dating and the normal culture in whatever country your bf comes from. Many adults in the world support entire families with their income. You need more information about his customs etc, before you fire off money, your money to other people. I assume he sends money already. More info for us please.

Onairjunkie · 07/04/2021 22:52

Do not give money to people you have never met. You will never see it again. And don’t worry about how you might come across, the only person who should worry about is your CF boyfriend.

Laeta · 07/04/2021 22:53

Blimey no!! No way would I give money to strangers!! It's very odd! How dare he make you feel bad!

Caterinaballerina · 07/04/2021 22:53

Also think what this means for planning any sort of joint financial future? What’s the point in doing an online mortgage calculator for example when there’s this added commitment your DP has made to some of his money.

Laureline · 07/04/2021 22:57

You have a boyfriend problem, if he is dismissive of your perfectly valid reluctance to give money to people who you have never met.

Goatsgetmygoat · 07/04/2021 22:58

He’s testing your boundaries. You know he’s being unreasonable, you don’t need us to tell you that. What’s worrying is that he’s already got yourself second guessing your natural reaction.

SnackSizeRaisin · 07/04/2021 22:58

Why can't your partner support his own family?? It's a bit much to expect you to. Just say no, you have your own family to think of.

dementedpixie · 07/04/2021 22:59

It's not your responsibility to fund his family. Very cheeky to ask in the first place

KatherineJaneway · 07/04/2021 23:00

YANBU. You owe them nothing.

purpledagger · 07/04/2021 23:02

This is a sign for your future relationship. You either be expected to contribute to his family or he will be sending them all of his money to your detriment.

Elieza · 07/04/2021 23:06

He’s testing you out to see if he can manipulate you and scam you out of money to give his relatives. And if he can get away with it once...

Many people who move to other countries send pay home to their families back home.

But to expect someone else to do that is a bit much. What he does with his money is up to him. And what you do with yours is your business.

I don’t like his dismissive attitude. I don’t think he respects you much and I think he will use you for your money. To consider you a bitch seems a bit misogynistic. Is his culture one which doesn’t respect women?

Inclined to think dump and move on, sorry.

Blacknosugarplease · 07/04/2021 23:06

I don’t think it matters how long you’ve been together or how kind/caring/considerate your partner is, it is not your responsibility to provide for his family. Some people might say it’s a cultural norm- yes it is for your partner to send money- but that cultural norm doesn’t extend to you.

Chloemol · 07/04/2021 23:12

No you are not being unreasonable. I would be considering the relationship now if that’s his expectations. What he does with his money is up to him, but I would be concerned if you did move in you would pay bills here and he would send his money to his family.

Throughtheforest2 · 07/04/2021 23:35

Nope, don’t do it.
Been there, done that - didn’t end well.

shivawn · 08/04/2021 07:35

How long are you with your partner? I'm guessing not very long if you haven't met his family. How much money was he asking you to send?

Wiredforsound · 08/04/2021 07:38

Absolutely not. You’re not their meal ticket.

Gah81 · 08/04/2021 07:39

Not being unreasonable at all. Regardless of the cultural heritage/norms of your partner it does bot extend to you unless perhaps you have been married for a long time, are close to his family etc.

And the fact that you say he was dismissive of your reasons for saying no is a huge red flag. Huge.

Please be on your guard with this one.

Liverbird77 · 08/04/2021 07:41

No way. I'd seriously consider ending this relationship.
I'd help my in-laws, just as my husband would help my parents if necessary. I wouldn't have considered it before we were married and "merged" as a family.

wandawombat · 08/04/2021 11:27

Fuck off is the only appropriate response.

Shoxfordian · 08/04/2021 11:34

Yanbu
What are the circumstances of him sending them money?

Hoppinggreen · 08/04/2021 11:39

If he wants to send them money fine
If he wants to borrow money from you to send them less fine but if you are confident about getting it back then ok
Sending complete strangers money - not fine at all
His being arsey about it - dump him

faithfulbird20 · 08/04/2021 11:42

Tell him you were going to ask him the same thing about your family and his reaction should tell u enough.

EL8888 · 08/04/2021 11:43

No. I would not justify or explain why either. Surely it’s obvious why it’s a no

stablefeet · 08/04/2021 11:54

Not your monkeys, not your circus.

ChangedName4TheSakeOfIt · 08/04/2021 12:00

What did you say after you managed to stop laughing?

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