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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not understand why DS 1 (19) and DS 2 don’t chat to each

38 replies

Aperole · 07/04/2021 22:34

my DS’s were so close when they were younger , now they just seem a bit indifferent to each other...

They will watch the footie together and stuff , but they never seem to have any chat / banter with each other ...

it really bothers me and i wish i could so something to make them closer again ,,,

but i know i do really need to get over it ...

aibu to think that they might get closer again when they’re a bit older ,,, ?

OP posts:
Original poster
Aperole · 07/04/2021 22:35

btw DS2 is 18

OP posts:
FireflyRainbow · 07/04/2021 23:03

My sisters a year younger than me and we don't talk. Both in our 30s I wouldn't pick her as a friend. We don't see each others kids. I obviously wish her well but we are complete opposites. I get on with my other siblings fine though.

Carbara · 08/04/2021 00:43

Having kids is for parents own self indulgence, people pretend they’re having another kid ‘for our child to have a sibling 😇’ but that’s nonsense, they’re just two more people out of 8 billion, with no reason to like each other, and that’s fine.

DramaAlpaca · 08/04/2021 00:48

They might. My eldest two boys weren't particularly close at 18 & 19, so same age gap as yours, but at 26 & 27 are very close.

therocinante · 08/04/2021 00:50

Some people just don't get on particularly. I know loads of siblings who don't really have a friend type relationship - just because you happened to give birth to them both doesn't mean they'll be friends and it won't do any good to try and force it.

The fact that they'll happily coexist and watch football together means they probably don't hate each other, just aren't best friends. That's fine.

Ineedcoffee2021 · 08/04/2021 01:03

They watch footy, are civil, they just obviously different people who wouldn't choose to be friends with the other if they wernt siblings.
Nothing wrong with that
Once dp parents go i dare say there one brother we won't speak to again. We already only speak when we have too or he rings at midnight sooking about his self imposed issues. Dp is really only civil for his mum's sake

PomBearWithoutHerOFRS · 08/04/2021 03:20

My eldest two sons (30 and 26, one lives 3 hours away) don't have each other on social media and only got each other's phone numbers last year (eldest texted younger one) when a grandparent died. They never speak or communicate at all as far as I know.
They aren't friends and only have being brothers in common.
They are civil at the rare family occasion they both attend, but nothing more.
They don't dislike each other or have "beef" they just are very different people with separate lives.

Catflapkitkat · 08/04/2021 03:20

I have twins a minute apart and they don't get on - I am hoping it will change. It seems sad

1forAll74 · 08/04/2021 04:11

I think that people this age, will more than likely have friends outside the home. and people with all different personalities etc. and more to talk about with others.. It doesn't mean things are sad between your two sons, they are just changing.and being their own selves for the time being.

andwaydowntheygo · 08/04/2021 04:21

You can't force them to be best mates.

Take the fact they don't seem to hate each other as a win.

They might get closer when they get older, they might not. I grew closer to my sibling when I got older - you're still growing and changing at 18 to 19. I think you only really start to define who you are by late 20s/early 30s.

lljkk · 08/04/2021 04:27

It's good they are civil. My eldest 2 (young adults) loathe each other.

SmellsLikeWineIGuess · 08/04/2021 04:30

I suspect if they have always been close growing up then it’s just a teen thing, and they’ll go back to being close again as they get older.

It’s not as if we’re talking about what quite a few people have posted on this thread, i.e. never having been close.

sanityisamyth · 08/04/2021 05:32

I have two sisters. One I'm completely non contact with and one I might WhatsApp once a month (aside from Christmas/birthday).

I don't understand the blood is thicker than water thing. Just because you're related, doesn't mean you have to get on?

GeronimoHate · 08/04/2021 05:57

I have 5 siblings, I might see one of them again after my parents die. Really not people I’d ever chose to be friends with - they are horribly over-bearing and bossy - I feel suffocated around them, so I don’t play ball which infuriates them that they can no longer bully me into doing things their way.
In contrast my kids do enjoy each other’s company and there’s loads of banter and good vibes between them - a lot of that is luck.

sunflowersandbuttercups · 08/04/2021 07:26

DH has five siblings and the only one he speaks to more than once a year is his brother. He hasn't spoken to his oldest sister since he was about fifteen even though she only lives down the road.

Just because people are related doesn't mean they're going to get along.

skeggycaggy · 08/04/2021 07:30

I think sibling relationships change a lot over the lifetime, from my experience in my late 30s, and talking to my mum in her late 60s. They might be closer again in adulthood, they might not be, I think these things do change (assuming a fundamental love & acceptance of the sibling which seems from above isn’t always the case!).

Mylovelyhorsee · 08/04/2021 07:35

My husband and his sibling I would swear they’re not close (as the relationship is so different to my version of close) but he swears they are really close. My point is maybe they believe they are close/happy with their relationship. Don’t put your expectations on them. Just let them be.

MrsMop1964 · 08/04/2021 07:54

My sister is 11 months (to the day!) younger than me. Unfortunately we've never got on, even in childhood, and I haven't spoken to her for years.Just 2 entirely different personalities. Indifference is OK-she was awful to me growing up, so that would have been preferable.

Pottedpalm · 08/04/2021 07:55

My DTs ( boy/girl) were thick as thieves growing up, then in teenage years tolerated each other quite well but wouldn’t seek each other’s company. Now as adults both living in London they see each other regularly, will meet for brunch or go for drinks, often just the two of them or with partners, and know more about each other than I do. They are very close now. All relationships go through phases.

Bluntness100 · 08/04/2021 07:58

This is very common, to the extent I never quite understand why people say I can’t have an only they need a sibling, in so many cases there is no positive relationship there.

Leave them be, they are both adults, you cannot force a different relationship.

BuntyCollocks · 08/04/2021 08:00

Hated my sister until we were much older. There’s a big age gap (7years) and i put it down to that and deliberately had a small gap between my two. Now she’s my best friend, and my children hate each other 😂 (obviously hate being a strong word)

Meruem · 08/04/2021 08:12

I have a DD 30 and a DS 31. They get on fine and are fiercely protective of each other but, on a day to day basis, they don’t “hang out”. They don’t have many interests in common and both struggle with social chit chat as it is. When we do stuff as a family they get on fine and I know that when the time comes and I die, they’ll support each other through it. I suppose I take comfort from the fact that they would be there for each other if it was needed.

Quincie · 08/04/2021 08:14

But do boys chat together.
I remember asking my DS where his close friends were going for uni - DS slightly older was going first - he didn't know or he said he didn't know. I can't see why he wouldn't tell me so I think they just don't chat about themselves, more banter about football, jokes about anything.
So they might see themselves as getting on fine.
They all went to unis in the same city btw.

emilyfrost · 08/04/2021 08:17

You chose to have two kids for you. That doesn’t mean both the kids have to like each other or be best friends just because they happen to be related.

enjoyingscience · 08/04/2021 08:19

DH and his brother are like this. No beef, just a mutual disinterest! Occasionally he’ll get in touch to ask what the kids would like for Christmas, and we send cards and things, but there’s no friendship there.

I find it a bit weird, as I love my own brother dearly and love hanging out with him, but we’re quite similar and not so close in age, so I suppose there was never any competition growing up. I left to go to university when he was not quite a teenager, so I never had to live with him as a grumpy hormonal teen either, which probably helps.