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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want DS to start pre-school without settling in sessions?

30 replies

nervousnelly8 · 07/04/2021 16:58

DS is due to start pre-school shortly. He has just turned 2. He has never been apart from me/DH/my mum and has been even more home based over the last year due to lockdown. He is a fairly confident child but is (I feel understandably) quite clingy to me. This has increased since his baby sister arrived at the end of last year.

I've just been told that the pre-school is not doing settling in sessions due to covid. Previously the first 3 sessions would be with a parent, then the next 3 would have the parent close by (in the building but not in the room) and then they would build up the time to a full session alone after that. Now, they are asking parents to drop the children off at the gate and leave them from day 1 (you can still build up the time if wanted).

I feel really uncomfortable about this. Not only has DS not been to the place before or met the people, I haven't either. It doesn't seem to me to be a particularly gentle or child-centred approach. I do wonder whether I am worrying over nothing as the room leader seemed surprised when I expressed my concern (I had previously been told they were settling in as normal). Please could you share experiences?

Just FYI - we could choose to start him in September instead of now when settling in will be back to normal and he'll be a bit older, but I genuinely think he will love it once he is settled.

YABU - he will be fine, they are experienced and will know how to help him settle, stop being so PFB

YANBU - it could be quite traumatic for both of you to drop him and leave him in an unfamiliar setting with unfamiliar people

OP posts:
Walesrecommendations · 07/04/2021 17:01

I haven't done this but have a 7 month DD and would be highly uncomfortable with this. My DD knows my mum but I will still be building up time with her before she takes over childcare when I go back to work. Not sure what the solution is though Sad

Blueroses99 · 07/04/2021 17:02

YABU I had this scenario when DD started a new pre-school last September. It does feel weird that I’ve never seen her classroom or been inside but I do meet the staff at pick up and drop off. She was incredibly clingy due to lockdown but settled within a few days.

Baboutheocelot · 07/04/2021 17:03

Could you ask if you could start him with a short session, perhaps a hour, and then build up to a longer time if he manages well?

Happycat1212 · 07/04/2021 17:03

My dd didn’t go to nursery this year for exactly this reason. She would have went to the preschool attached to my children’s school but there was no way I was handing her over a reception to go with people she’s never met and not meet her teacher or settle her in. So she’s been kept at home. I’m happy with my decision.

Acornacorn · 07/04/2021 17:04

My 12month old just started nursery and they did settling in sessions without me - 3 x 30-90mim sessions - before starting full days. She settled much, much quicker than her older brother who I did settling in sessions with. Not sure if it’s just down to their individual temperaments 🤷‍♀️ I’d have hated the idea as a FTM, but as I already fully trusted the nursery I was okay with it.
I don’t think there’s a right or wrong answer really

Happycat1212 · 07/04/2021 17:04

You don’t get to meet the staff at my children’s. Parents aren’t allowed in the school grounds at all

edgeware · 07/04/2021 17:06

Complain, maybe try to find somewhere else that will. The more people that complain about this the better. It’s nearly a year of this no settling in sessions now and at some point settling they should be allowed again.

TheOneWithTheBigNose · 07/04/2021 17:06

Mine has just started (also just turned 2) with no settling in sessions. It was absolutely fine. He’s settled really well.

supersonicginandtonic · 07/04/2021 17:06

My dd started nursery like this lAst year. I think it's great. Kids are settling much better and quicker than when parents are there.

Sirzy · 07/04/2021 17:06

I think for a lot of children the extended parents hovering around starts makes things much tougher for them. I can well see a lot of settings keeping to minimal settling sessions even when things do open more.

Plumbear2 · 07/04/2021 17:07

I think it's much better for the child to just drop and go. I did the whole settling in with my first and he was horrendous to leave crying at every drop off for weeks after. With my next I just dropped and left from day one and he was happy from day one, before that he had never been left with anyone. Sometimes the settling in session is more for the parents benefit than the child.

comingintomyown · 07/04/2021 17:07

Wait until September if you are uncomfortable

thebillyotea · 07/04/2021 17:07

None of my kids settling-in sessions included the parents, they were just shorter sessions. The first one was maybe 30 minutes, if I remember well? I just went for a coffee because it was too short to go home and back.

It had nothing to do with Covid, the only time parents went round was the organised tour to show the nursery before you chose it.

Lockdownmummy · 07/04/2021 17:07

My 11 month old had just started nursery like this, but we didn’t really have a choice as need the full time childcare once DH and I are both back at work.

We built up the length of time he was there from 30 minutes to a full day over about 2 weeks. It was hard, but the logical part of my brain knows that he is well
looked after and DS has never associated being actually in nursery with me or his dad so maybe it was better??!

abricotine · 07/04/2021 17:09

If he was my eldest I'd probably feel the same as you. Now I've had multiple kids start and go through nursery, believe me it makes no difference whether they have settling in, home visits etc. They settle when they settle. He will be fine!

Littlefish · 07/04/2021 17:09

Im supporting the opening of a new nursery after Easter.

We are doing stay-and-play sessions with up to 6 children at a time in the Easter holidays. Each child can bring one parent. We've asked the parents to wear masks and avoid touching the resources.

When it comes to settling-in visits, the same thing will happen. I suspect that, having met the whole team at the stay-and-play sessions, the parents of the older children are likely to just drop and go, but the option is definitely there for them to stay.

I don't believe it's in any child's best interests to be separated from their parent before they've had a chance to start to make a relationship with a member of the nursery team.

abricotine · 07/04/2021 17:09

@Plumbear2 you are exactly right!

lineandsinker · 07/04/2021 17:10

My DS started nursery last September, a day shy of his 1st birthday. We weren’t allowed settling in sessions either but it actually worked well and he settled in quickly.

One of the managers there is a friend of the family and she has said that the children are settling much more quickly without the settling in sessions and that they are considering not offering them moving forward.

BluebellsGreenbells · 07/04/2021 17:11

Sometimes the settling in session is more for the parents benefit than the child

Totally agree with this.

Alsohuman · 07/04/2021 17:12

The day mine started play school the staff asked me to stay with him. After half an hour of him not even looking at me I tentatively went over to him to tell him I was going, fully prepared to stay if he wanted me to. He said “OK, bye Mummy” and went back to what he was doing.

You’ll be more upset than him. Just assume he’ll be fine and he will.

Overdueanamechange · 07/04/2021 17:13

When my 1yo started nursery I just dropped off and left. I just did a morning a week to get her used to it. She was fine. For the first couple of sessions she cried when I left but stopped as soon as I was out of sight. I wouldn't have expected to have been able to stay with her, I haven't been CBS checked for a start, so it would have been inappropriate.

insancerre · 07/04/2021 17:13

Yabu
We haven’t done settling in sessions with parents for a year and it works much better
The children settle much quicker

LotsoTheStrawberryBear · 07/04/2021 17:13

I understand why your concerned. But my 2 yr old did exactly this in september straight in for a 7 hr day. He loved it straight from the off and honestly settled better than his 2 older sister who did normal settling in sessions.

Santastealer · 07/04/2021 17:17

@Plumbear2 exactly this!

My first was a drawn out settling in, parent stayed for first few weeks etc.... it made it very difficult as he didn’t understand why I was leaving him when previously I had stayed.

My second was drop and go. She has never known me stay so has never expected it. We did shorter sessions at first but always without me. She knows I leave her and will return and has what’s been absolutely fine!

Sirzy · 07/04/2021 17:19

I also think, especially if a number of children are starting at once, the extra (often emotional!) parents hanging around can make it more stressful for other children too.

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